Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Swimwear as Underwear

Right now I am wearing a swimsuit bottom as underwear.

The good news is if I happen upon a topless beach here in Minneapolis this December 4th, I would be so ready.

Before I made this choice this morning, I had this conversation with my the bottom half of my swimsuit.

What follows is a dramatization of almost real events

SWIMSUIT: Thanks for the chance, Heather. You won’t regret it. I’ll be the best underwear you’ve ever worn.

ME: Don’t get your hopes up, Swimsuit. It’s just for today because I ran out of my first and second string underwear. I am not yet ready to put the thongs in the game, so you are up.


SWIMSUIT: Yup, I totally understand. Glad I could fill in in a pinch. Not that you will feel a pinch or anything, I will be comfortable and easy as a pair of boxers. But not loose like boxers! I am not going to hang all loose and bunch up under your pants.

ME: Well, you do have these decorative ties on the side, that might be annoying.

SWIMSUIT: No, they won’t. I will make sure that you don’t even know that they are there.

ME: But I do know that they are there.

SWIMSUIT: I mean, you won’t even notice them. They will be so stealth and invisible.

ME: There are decorative ties of spandex. They are not invisible. They are in a knot.

SWIMSUIT: I think not....see what I did there?

ME: Yes, I noticed your wordplay, Swimsuit.

SWIMSUIT: Thank you.

ME: It wasn’t a compliment.

SWIMSUIT: I’ll take it! Anywho, in regards to my decorative side knots, I think you will end up seeing them as asset, you know? A little extra fabric on the sides to…..do things.

ME: I don’t follow you.

SWIMSUIT: You know, for…..something.

ME: See you don’t even see how that would be helpful.

SWIMSUIT: I am so sorry, I am out of practice. I should have be preparing for this day every since you bought me on the Target clearance rack.

ME: Swimsuit, it’s ok. I don’t expect you to be amazing at this. After all, you are a swimsuit.

SWIMSUIT: But I could be so much more!

ME: Are you sure you are up for this? I don’t want to stress you out. I will be wearing you all day. And you don’t get to go to the ocean or a pool.

SWIMSUIT: I know, I know. But if you did feel the need to jump in a lake, I am there for you.

ME: Swimsuit, it is December, I am not jumping in a lake.

SWIMSUIT: It is Minnesota, there are 10,000 lakes.

ME: Not going in a lake!

SWIMSUIT: What about a pond?

ME: No! Swimsuit, today you are underwear. You’re job consists of being the barrier between my ass and my pants all day long. That is it. That is all you have to do.

SWIMSUIT: Will there be a fashion show?

ME: No!

SWIMSUIT: Are you sure? Because sometimes the other underwear say that they do fashion shows and celebrity interviews.

ME: That never happens.

SWIMSUIT: What about the Victoria Secret Fashion show?

 ME: What underwear says that?

SWIMSUIT: I don’t want to get them in trouble.

ME: Do you want to be worn today?


ME: Then tell me, what underwear is telling you these things?

SWIMSUIT: Well, there’s the black ones that you’ve had for a long time

ME: Liars. That pair is old and angry. You’ve seen the tear in their seams, they aren’t in their right mind. What other pairs tell you these things?

SWIMSUIT: Well, the ones that always have the best stories are……are….I can’t say it.

ME: Which ones, Swimsuit, which ones?

SWIMSUIT: The beige ones.

ME: The beige underwear that I got for free from a mail promo coupon? Really? The beige ones? Do you know that I only wear the beige ones when there are no other underwear to where. The beige ones are only one step up from you!

SWIMSUIT: And I am still one step up from the thongs, right?

THONG UNDERWEAR: Hey! We can hear you!

ME: Swimsuit, you’ve got to get a hold of yourself. None of the underwear can do what you do. Sure, I don’t go to the ocean or pools very often.

SWIMSUIT: That one time I got to go to the hula-hoop show.

ME: That’s right. We did do that. Now do you think any of the underwear could have been worn to that show.

SWIMSUIT: No, because it was a Luau theme.

ME: Yes and wearing underwear in public is weird.

SWIMSUIT: But you are weird.

ME: Not that kind of weird. Swimsuit, there are things only you can do, that underwear cannot. Does underwear get to jump in a lake?

SWIMSUIT: We’re going in a lake!

ME: No, not today. That was just an example.

SWIMSUIT: Examples are lies?

ME: No, I was just illustrating my point.

SWIMSUIT: I don’t want to be lied to.

ME: Swimsuit! Do you want to be my underwear today?


ME: Ok, let’s do this.

SWIMSUIT: I can’t wait to get in the lake.

THONG UNDERWEAR: Do we get to play tomorrow?

ME: Shut up, thongs.

Swimsuit and I exit.

THONG UNDERWEAR: Just you wait, you'll regret everything...right up your ass.

I poke my head back in.

ME: I heard that thongs. This is why nobody likes you.


The End

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