tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22799408461442448062024-03-05T07:01:45.638-06:00The Culture of Doing ThingsAt least as entertaining as a women's magazine. I said at least, I didn't say more.Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15159439399105037440noreply@blogger.comBlogger307125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2279940846144244806.post-58299645526978111212014-05-27T09:42:00.001-05:002014-05-27T09:42:51.518-05:00You’re invited to a BBQ! BYOMFTG:)<div class="MsoNormal">
Hey! We are having a BBQ! We really hope you can come! It
starts at noon; don’t arrive any earlier than noon, but no later than 1:30pm.</div>
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Here are the details!</div>
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FOOD AND DRINK:</div>
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It’s BYOB! Also BYOMFTG:), (that’s bring your own meat for
the grill*, smiley face!) Also, please bring a side dish to share. Email me within
ten minutes of receiving this email to confirm what side you are bringing so
there is no overlap. When selecting sides to bring, think paleo, which means no
dairy, vegetable oils, legumes, sugars, potatoes, grains, pseudo-grains or
glutens. </div>
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FYI: If you have a foldable, portable or lightweight camp
chair, one of those director chairs that fold or favorite reclining chair,
please bring it! We have one backyard bench that seats four, so if sitting is
something you imagine you might what to participate in, please bring your own
chair. </div>
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*If you are bringing something for the grill, remember to
bring your own grill because we have a lot of vegans, pretend vegans, food
allergies and people who just don’t like the taste of one type of grilled meat
touching another type of grilled meat. (If you bring Ahi Tuna steaks, remember that also
makes a great hostess gift. Yum! Smiley face!)</div>
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FUN:</div>
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There will be lawn games, if you bring a lawn game. If you
do choose to bring a lawn game, bring some grass seed to reseed the areas on
which you’ll be playing. <span> </span>In the vein of keeping
a sense of fun and relaxation at the BBQ, we aren’t allowing parking on our
block, since a line of cars on the street can looks icky, it also hurts the
feelings of the neighbors who did not get invited. If you do choose to drive your
car, you can park over at the high school and walk the quick 15 blocks to our
house! <span> </span>Please do not take a shortcut
through anyone’s lawn. The neighbors who did not get invited may not invite me
to be part of the neighborhood garage sale next year.</div>
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FRIENDS:</div>
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Significant others are welcome, if you do choose to bring a
significant other, please have them stay by your side the whole afternoon, that
way no one thinks they are a random creeper that walked into the yard and calls
the police. NOTE: If you’ve recently had a break-up** (Dan, Julia and Donna) We
advise you not to bring a significant other since you may be playing fast and
loose with your romantic companions right now therefore, means it’s unlikely
the people you will bring will be an asset to the afternoon. If you choose to
‘hook-up’ with someone at the BBQ, please make sure they are one of the
aforementioned single people (Dan, Julia and Donna) so as not to increase the
already tense suspicions about fidelity between the spouses in attendance.</div>
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** “Recently” is defined as in the last year. Nikki, this
does not include you. Your break-up was six years ago and we’d love to see you at
the BBQ with a date. Any date, and please don’t bring a small dried fruit
because you think that is funny. Mom always said your sense of humor would be
the reason your eggs would expire.</div>
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If you are exploring new forms of love and relationships,
you are welcome to bring those participants (Men, women, other) but please
don’t go into a complicated explanation about it. You can feel free to use the
code word “someone I know from work,” to indicate you are sexually intimate
with this person without sharing a label (boyfriend, girlfriend, mid-life
crisis affair, Tinder Hookup). Speaking of Tinder, please don’t use it at the
BBQ, I’d rather you not interact with my husband in that manner.</div>
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Children are always welcome, but only if they’ve already graduated
from High School. Since we raise our lawn as it would be in the wild, our
backyard ecosystem is too delicate to withstand the unpredictable scampering of
children who have yet to complete their high school diploma. Our grass is much
more accustomed to the light rustling of wild squirrels and rabbits. If you
have wild squirrels or rabbits, feel free to bring them along. (Please indicate
whether they are pets or BYOMFTG:)).</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2279940846144244806.post-59180475293949640162014-04-23T21:35:00.002-05:002014-04-23T21:35:49.959-05:00A Converstation with the Chicken that broke my iPhone
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Heather: Hi, here with me today is this chicken who broke my
iPhone</div>
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Chicken: Actually, I didn’t break your phone. You’re
phone is not broken.</div>
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Heather: Two things, Chicken. Yes and Yes.</div>
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Chicken: What?</div>
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Heather: You know what I mean</div>
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Chicken: Nope.</div>
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Heather: Yes you do.</div>
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Chicken: No I don’t.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Heather: yes you broke my phone and yes you did it,
Birdbrain</div>
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<br /></div>
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Chicken: Well, Over-entitled-Top-of-the-food-chainer, to
make it clear, your phone is not broken merely the screen is cracked and I
never touched it.</div>
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Heather: Your soul touched it. </div>
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Chicken: False.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Heather: Yeah-huh, when I took your photo your soul flew
out of you and was captured in my phone. That sudden intact of cosmic energy from your visage into my tiny handheld texting device caused it to fall out of my hand on to the cement. </div>
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Chicken: That’s not how cameras work</div>
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Heather: Maybe, chicken, maybe. </div>
Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15159439399105037440noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2279940846144244806.post-73382929943019507902013-08-17T10:49:00.002-05:002013-08-17T10:49:52.823-05:00Polticial Ha-Ha ShowsOn the heels of my show the genre inventing <a href="http://www.fringefestival.org/2013/show/?id=2487">RT+MPLS: The Legend of R.T. Rybak</a>, I have been asked <span style="font-size: xx-small;">(Actualy, no one asked me to make this list in the sense you are thinking. I just wanted to make it, but in my political research for this show I have learned that in the political world you say "I have been asked to run for president or mayor or congressman or trash collector" is how you say "I want to run for president or mayor or congressman or trash collector.")<span style="font-size: small;">To list what other shows my fall under my new genre: The Political Love Letter/Romantic Comedy.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: xx-small;">For those Culture of Doing Things Readers that are all like, "What are you talking about?" I am talking about the show I just made, RT+MPLS: The Legend of R.T. Rybak, a romantic comedy about Minneapolis's outgoing mayor and the fact that he's totally in love with the city and Minneapolis loves him back and it's adorable and wacky and satirical in the way you don't expect. You know that show? We just did it in the Minnesota Fringe Festival? The mayor came? TWICE?</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: xx-small;">Ok. Are we all on the same page now? Good. So to cap it off all you non-Minneapolis readers. Mayor Rybak is basically the mayor from Portlandia. It's awesome. What? You haven't seen Portlandia? Netflix it. Then come back.</span><br />
<br /><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">So here they are:</span></span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg53tZ8kHoZWOXd3aHkQ8f72JSqp4M1Y4GF8RRP2ZDaHizoqjQu_5syC5lBpCBFWEqT8kg9d58-lYpa7OfLnFfdGm47wIsNTyYveBU9OyYS9YvaGhcB-oz7LkP3o1TAeWDDi1ITZg20rD4v/s1600/Screen+Shot+2013-08-17+at+10.38.58+AM.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg53tZ8kHoZWOXd3aHkQ8f72JSqp4M1Y4GF8RRP2ZDaHizoqjQu_5syC5lBpCBFWEqT8kg9d58-lYpa7OfLnFfdGm47wIsNTyYveBU9OyYS9YvaGhcB-oz7LkP3o1TAeWDDi1ITZg20rD4v/s200/Screen+Shot+2013-08-17+at+10.38.58+AM.png" width="200" /></a></div>
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><i><b>Teddy Roosevelt's Extreme Environmental Challenge</b> </i>A reality TV show were it's nature vs nurture as teams of urban, technology-dependent social media hounds have to camp in a state park for a whole weekend--without internet service. Host Teddy Roosevelt scares the campers at night by unleashing an actual bear into camp. Survivors are rewarded with an actual teddy bear and a ride back to civilization on Teddy Roosevelt's moose.</span></span><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><i><b>Old Rough and Ready's Delicate Cooking Hour</b></i> This cooking show features 12th president Zachary Taylor as he teaches you how to cook with bland things to avoid dying from eating cherries and milk, just like he did.</span></span><br />
<br />
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNV5kyiqn29C6SXMG5azsyFomyTMbVrv2JEnJyWg3BImuE4uuGnw8oKPHbQ5gA5JvdttDPwwvYX9cYDLsqqDPcxU8C8OZSDkBUhO6SGJRcp7aaIo2OsLwhxL-ent2VCMH-gigK_ZMWpYKF/s1600/young+richard.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="133" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNV5kyiqn29C6SXMG5azsyFomyTMbVrv2JEnJyWg3BImuE4uuGnw8oKPHbQ5gA5JvdttDPwwvYX9cYDLsqqDPcxU8C8OZSDkBUhO6SGJRcp7aaIo2OsLwhxL-ent2VCMH-gigK_ZMWpYKF/s200/young+richard.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Yes, young Nixon.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b><i>Sexy Nixon's Top Model</i> </b>Youthful Nixon hosts a modeling competition where each week a losing model is kicked off to Nixon saying "That is not a look!"</span></span><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><i><b>DIY Bathroom Remodel with William Howard Taft </b></i>This is a webseries where 27th President William Howard Taft enlarges your bathroom to accommodate America's expanding waistline. A great series, but has a lot of pop-up adds for Taco Bell.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><i><b>Bill Clinton's Beach Party Jazz Fest</b></i> Exactly what it sounds like, a classy jazz music appreciation show. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><i><b>Linda Tripp's Say Yes to the Dress</b></i> No explanation needed, only shown on pay-per-view</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15159439399105037440noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2279940846144244806.post-28133330219997064582013-08-01T10:50:00.002-05:002013-08-01T10:50:27.520-05:00This is what is happeningHello Culture of Doing Things!<br />
<br />
I know you all have been checking this blog daily since March for all of my brain eggs, but obviously, again, I have been doing other things than blogging. <span style="font-size: xx-small;">(Well, I have been blogging, you'll hear about that later.)</span><br />
<br />
So, what is happening? My new show <a href="http://www.fringefestival.org/2013/show/?id=2487">RT+MPLS: The Legend Of R.T. Rybak</a> opens tonight at the New Century Theatre in Downtown Minneapolis. It is an amazing day: same-sex marriage became legal today, the MN Fringe is having it's 20th anniversary today, my fringe show opens! I am very fortunate to have been placed in a venue in the heart of the city with a show about the heart of the city on the day when the hearts of all the MN cities are full!<br />
<br />
Full points for everyone.<br />
<br />
So you can check out the show on the Minnesota Fringe site or follow the adventures of our Spokesmayor R(eally) T(iny) Rybak at <a href="http://www.rtplusmpls.com/">www.rtplusmpls.com</a> <span style="font-size: xx-small;">(see, that's where I have been blogging.)</span><br />
<br />
Hope to see you in person or on the internet soon!<br />
<br />
<br />Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15159439399105037440noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2279940846144244806.post-81141314400903840542013-03-19T15:49:00.001-05:002013-03-19T15:49:03.212-05:00A Dialogue with my selfSELF: Good job self on pretty much not blogging for a whole month.<br />
<br />
OTHER SELF: Hey now Self, don't be so sarcastic and mean. You just put up a wonderful Comedybration that people are still talking about.<a href="http://www.comedybration.com/"> (www.comedybration.com)</a><br />
<br />
SELF: It was only on Friday.<br />
<br />
OTHER SELF: Cut that out right now. You worked hard on that. You wrangled folks in LA and MPLS, made props, marketing the thing, wrote the thing, edited it, directed and and learned your own lines in it.<br />
<br />
SELF: Define "learned my own lines" I did some improvising.<br />
<br />
OTHER SELF: But that is one of your skill sets, Self! Don't sell yourself short. You gave out prizes in your show. It was awesome.<br />
<br />
SELF: People like prizes.<br />
<br />
OTHER SELF: Also Self, did you even notice that you opened a show the week before your Comedybration? And that your first semester of grad school ended the same day the Comedybration opened? And joined a theatre company?<br />
<br />
SELF: Well, the other show is...<br />
<br />
OTHER SELF: The other show is Flanagan's Wake the an interactive Irish wake, you had to learn the lines, practice the improv and drive to St. Paul with your broken car every night for tech week, after already working the whole day and then having a comedybration rehearsal.<br />
<br />
SELF: I supposee..<br />
<br />
OTHER SELF: No, you don't 'suppose.' It's ok that you let posting on this blog slip when the other plates you were spinning had to keep spinning.<br />
<br />
SELF: But I made an unofficial promise to post on this blog everyday for a whole year.<br />
<br />
OTHER SELF: Plans can change! Accept that you can't plan life, you can try but things change. You wouldn't have traded any of these awesome things that happened this past 30 days?<br />
<br />
SELF: Well, I wish my car wasn't broken.<br />
<br />
OTHER SELF: All or nothing, Self. All or nothing.<br />
<br />
SELF: In that case, no, I wouldn't have traded anything in the past 30 days in order to keep my blogging everyday record up.<br />
<br />
OTHER SELF: See?<br />
<br />
SELF: Yes, I see.<br />
<br />
OTHER SELF: Why are you still being a gloomy gus, Self?<br />
<br />
SELF: I don't know, that's just how Heather keeps writing me.<br />
<br />
OTHER SELF: Oh. Well, wear this hat.<br />
<br />
<i>(OTHER SELF puts cowboy hat covered in blue feathers and tiny dump trucks on SELF's head.)</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
SELF: What is this?<br />
<br />
OTHER SELF: I don't know. But I am sure we can make a metaphor about it.<br />
<br />
SELF: At least this isn't a real play where a props person had to make this hat.<br />
<br />
OTHER SELF: That's true Self. That's true.<br />
<br />
SELF: Let's got eat Pad Thai.<br />
<br />
OTHER SELF: Yes!<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
The End</div>
<br />
<br />Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15159439399105037440noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2279940846144244806.post-83924214353985113262013-02-23T08:44:00.001-06:002013-02-23T08:44:25.398-06:00Things are happening!I know I have been lack in my blogging! That is what happens when I am blogging on my favorite holiday, FIBERUARY at <a href="http://www.fiberuary.com./">www.fiberuary.com</a><br />
<br />
But as Fiberuary winds down, my next favorite, not made up holdiay is gearing up, Women's History Month which this year I am celebrating with a show: <i>Women's History Month: The Historical Comedybration (with fabulous prizes)</i> check it out at <a href="http://www.comedybration.com/">www.comedybration.com</a><br />
<br />
Celebrate!Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15159439399105037440noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2279940846144244806.post-88770227663036779352013-02-13T12:34:00.002-06:002013-02-13T12:34:57.645-06:00Open Letter to The Fancy Grocery StoreDear Grocery Store Employee Who Bagged My Purchases Today,<br />
<br />
Hello sir, I'm sure you recognize me. I am the woman who purchases grocery store sushi from your establishment about once a week or so. You, of course, being a competent and valued part of the Lund's Grocery Store experience certainly strive to exemplify the class, expertise and helpfulness that Lund's prides itself on.<br />
<br />
I always enjoy a trip to Lund's. I am aware that the extra money I pay on the inflated prices on all things is paying for the artfully merchandised produce section, the constant samples of free cheese and the absence of a self-check out lane. Your store has an olive bar, Himalayan rock salt and of course, my favorite place, the ready to go sushi.<br />
<br />
I always enjoy standing over the selections of rolls and nigri that your sushi chefs make each day. I appreciate the care in which the chef drizzles spicy sauce in a clever zigzag and each roll dotted with the perfect amount of fish row or crushed wasabi peas.<br />
<br />
Thank you for understanding that my addition to grocery store sushi saves me time and money every time I jones for raw fish, helping me to dash in to your store rather than belly up by myself to the closest sushi bar. You provide me a quick, easy, portable fix.<br />
<br />
With all of this convenience and knowledge that you provide the public, why is it then upon check out you make a metaphorical "You can suck it!" to my patronage of your store? I understand that packing groceries is an art, but I wonder if there is a special masters certificate in the proper way to place a container of delicately prepared sushi into a paper bag? I would think that the sushi must lay flat in the bag, not on the side nor on it's end to prevent the nicely lined up rolls from falling into each other and creating a sushi slush party. That is just what I would assume would be the correct way. But the style you displayed today was that you filled the bag full of bananas first and then slide my delightful sushi container standing on it's end. Which of course meant that zigzags of eel sauce and spicy mayo became a graffiti of condiments as the rice and cucumbers joined a mosh pit of particles. It no longer looked like beautiful sushi, but instead, it was that scene in <i>Trainspotting</i>, you know the one don't make me describe it, but it involves a toilet.<br />
<br />
Please correct me if this is the proper way to present sushi. I feel like I do have experience the matter, due to my uncontrollable addiction to all sushi, hence my constant need to a quick hit from the Lund's grocery store.<br />
<br />
So stop putting the sushi in the bag on it's end. You wouldn't do that with a cake, would you? Sushi is the same principle. I am more than willing to come in and teach a class on the proper way to pack sushi in a grocery bag, you can pay me in grocery store sushi.<br />
<br />
Sincerely,<br />
<br />
Heather Meyer <br />
<br />Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15159439399105037440noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2279940846144244806.post-34932041751049972762013-02-11T09:57:00.000-06:002013-02-11T09:57:14.206-06:00Something in MemphisIt's Monday! I've missed two blog posts this weekend.<br />
<br />
Because I am in Memphis and Memphis becomes a time warp. I forget the days, I have limited access to internet and I am bombarded with 30 sec snippets of all the broadway songs professional actors have to offer.<br />
<br />
Plus I ate gater chili nachos and a fired baloney sandwich yesterday. Things are pretty something.<br />
<br />
I will return to MN tomorrow. Then things will be somethingHeatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15159439399105037440noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2279940846144244806.post-27064915208697933792013-02-08T13:23:00.000-06:002013-02-08T13:23:31.979-06:00Historical Donuts: sidebarRemember my donut essays? Well this isn't an essay just a sidebar on the donut if my life.<br />
<br />
Today I stood over free donuts and debating. Why? There was only one filled donut. That is the one I was going to get. But instead if selecting that pastry, I went through the trouble of opening the other box as if it held better surprises. In fact the other box contained fewer and no filled donuts. I wasted time doing that and risked other people taking the last filled donut.<br />
<br />
But don't worry I pushed aside the dude eyeing my mystery filled donut( man, I wish that was a euphemism) and grabbed it. The lemon goodness was mine.<br />
<br />
Lesson learned: don't waste donut time.Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15159439399105037440noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2279940846144244806.post-50546117360256487652013-02-07T22:50:00.000-06:002013-02-07T22:50:20.450-06:00Airport smells!The Memphis airport smells like barbeque. It is the best smelling airport in the world. All airports should smell like the cuisine of the area. Minneapolis would smell like.....Jucy Lucys........knephla soup.....that rotten lye fish dish all the Scandavians talk about at holiday time....maybe this isn't such a good idea.<br />
<br />
<br />Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15159439399105037440noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2279940846144244806.post-63387901599729603272013-02-06T23:50:00.000-06:002013-02-06T23:50:19.019-06:00Post title.Blog post! Blog post. Blog post.<br />
Read between the lines.<br />
Blog post. Blog post. Blog post.<br />
There is nothing between the lines.<br />
Blog post. Blog post. Blog post.<br />
Lazy lazy type<br />
Blog post. Blog post. Blog post.<br />
<br />
<br />Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15159439399105037440noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2279940846144244806.post-17001198739784741052013-02-05T21:27:00.001-06:002013-02-05T21:27:49.775-06:00FRINGE 2013I now know what I will be working on until August.<br />
<br />
Last night the ping pong ball with my number on it was pulled from it's cage at the right time to give me a spot in the festival. I had never been so surprise. Sure, I've been in the fringe before, but I have never been in the room when the balls are drawn. For being a totaly random lottery, there is a lot of suspense and hoping and willing the balls to say your and your pals numbers. I was actually looking at my phone when I heard 2 9 6 it took a split second and I reacted "I think that's me!" And it was! <br />
<br />
I am so excited. I've really wanted to do this project since it laid an egg in my brain a while ago and I knew the MN fringe was the perfect place for it. <br />
<br />
My MN Fringe 2013 show <i>RT + MPLS: The Legend of RT Rybak.</i> It's about our Mayor, it's going to be amazing and so much fun!<br />
<br />
I know this because I have already had a blast not working on it but just pretending it exists. <br />
<br />
<br />Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15159439399105037440noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2279940846144244806.post-70755276173036490602013-02-04T23:10:00.003-06:002013-02-04T23:10:52.936-06:00Adventures in Criminalogy: Part 1It would be pretty dramatic if I could start this blog post with "The last 24 hours have been the something, something of my life."<br />
<br />
That would be super impressive, right? <br />
<br />
But I can't start it with that.<br />
<br />
Because it is more like the last 30 hours have been the something, something of my life.<br />
<br />
Why? You ask.<br />
<br />
Well yesterday, I had a simple plan to not watch the Super Bowl and instead have a photo shoot for <i><a href="http://www.comedybration.blogspot.com/">Women's History Month: The Historical Comedybration (with fabulous prizes)</a></i> and the go see <a href="http://www.theatreprorata.org/"><i>Theatre Pro Rata's</i></a> current scary, video gamey play<i>, Neighborhood 3: Requisition of Doom.</i><br />
<br />
However, plans changed. As they do.<br />
<i> </i><br />
<b>Especially when the pal that was the model for the photo shoot and your date to the play gets mugged at gunpoint on the way to my apartment!</b><br />
<br />
Yeah, take a moment. Read that again. One more time. Alright, now you can keep reading.<br />
<br />
So that happened. She arrived at my place and called the police. From the 911 operator, we quickly learned there was a string of similar muggings last night as well. The police were on these dickheads tail.<br />
<br />
However, this blog post is not going to be about that. I am going to make it about my cat. <span style="font-size: xx-small;">(I'll write about my adventures as a amater CSI agent tomorrow [maybe]). </span><br />
<br />
But first, a cop had to come over to my apartment to interview my friend. I met the officer at the door and led him to my apartment where my friend awaited.<br />
<br />
For a moment full of tension and urgency, the first thing the police officer said as he was frozen in the doorway of my apartment was "Whoa, that is a big cat."<br />
<br />
Which is right. I know my cat is large. But this is a Minneapolis Police Officer, he must have seen scary things than a 16 lb tabby cat.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjaYzf4_ySiaMZ-w6-x53rKlX7OJVzy_mjeIOJw8CEeS5WXKGOZxOxh78CyMDOTPu-pZZ1pZBagjr9_9qQzavz5ioCF4t3fos5Yx8O6FOvRV2P21rwsJ2T9usf2k-XrhdYyRtGeD8vRrM0g/s1600/CameraAwesomePhoto(1).jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjaYzf4_ySiaMZ-w6-x53rKlX7OJVzy_mjeIOJw8CEeS5WXKGOZxOxh78CyMDOTPu-pZZ1pZBagjr9_9qQzavz5ioCF4t3fos5Yx8O6FOvRV2P21rwsJ2T9usf2k-XrhdYyRtGeD8vRrM0g/s320/CameraAwesomePhoto(1).jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
Unless that tabby cat looks like a kick ass kingpin like mine does. Look at that photo, am I right or am I right?<br />
<br />
But the thing is, the officer's first response was to comment on my cat, not address the mugging victim that was standing in my apartment. Granted, my apartment is currently strewen about with seven hula hoops, a rubber chicken and a scary clown painting, so sure comment on my giant feline maybe was the only thing he could do when faced with some sort of Uptown circus apartment that Minneapolis's latest mugging victim had found herself in.<br />
<br />
But once again, my charming feline roommate has found a way to make someone else's mugging be about him. As the interview between police o and victim, my large cat wound his way between there feet mewing with approval or diapproval at the retelling of a crime by punk as kids.<br />
<br />
What really got us was, when the officer confided that these little jerks were robbing people all over the city and every minute counted when they were just one step behind catching this little pricks. That even the fact that my pal had left THE LOCATION WHERE SHE WAS THREATENED WITH A GUN, and came three block over to my place added minutes to the search. Then why did the officer take the extra seconds to comment on my cat's size? That is wasting precious crime-fighting time. Batman never takes a moment to share his opinions on stranger's pets. You know why? BECAUSE CRIME DOESN'T LAY (down to sleep that is.)<br />
<br />
So there we have it. I have a large enough cat that will cost police officers pause and therefore cost them time in solving crimes. It's CSI fat cat. <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15159439399105037440noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2279940846144244806.post-39545042807980269772013-02-03T15:11:00.000-06:002013-02-03T15:11:16.994-06:00Yes!<i>Women's History Month: The Historical Comedybration (with fabulous prizes)</i> now has website!<br />
<a href="http://www.blogger.com/goog_859687007"><br /></a>
<a href="http://www.comedybration.com/">www.comedybration.com</a><br />
<br />
Check it!Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15159439399105037440noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2279940846144244806.post-65456054686213472862013-02-02T15:10:00.002-06:002013-02-02T15:10:57.000-06:00Don't Tell My Mom: Part 2I called AAA today. They are the best investment of my life. However, they also thought my car just needed a jump so they came out with a 'light duty' truck, not a tow truck. So now I am waiting for the tow to come to pull my car to the doctor. Because, I sometimes am thoughtful, I called the car doctor in advance to let them know my car will be coming to them within the hour (or at least that is what AAA says will happen.)<br />
<br />
The waiting is continuing......Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15159439399105037440noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2279940846144244806.post-78790360151644438072013-02-01T19:15:00.001-06:002013-02-01T19:15:55.813-06:00Don't tell my mom: Part 1I grew up in the frozen plains of North Dakota.<br />
<br />
I know how to do winter.<br />
<br />
It's in my DNA.<br />
<br />
It has been hammered in to my bones.<br />
<br />
My mother is a constant stream of helpful winter tips.<br />
<br />
But I failed her.<br />
<br />
I am so embarrassed. Last night, my gas light in my car came on. I forgot to fill my car. This morning, no car movement. Of course, winterwoodswoman that I am, I thought it needed a jump. Forutnatlye, as things are with jumpstarts, my neighbor offered a hand. I had the cables she had the car. But electricity was not what my car needed, as evidenced by the radio blasting 'Call Me Maybe" during the non-start. Then it hit my head like an some sort of simile that is both funny and thematicly appropriate: my fuel lines were frozen.<br />
<br />
Now all you non-winterers will think this "Gas doesn't freeze, genius. At least not at -14 below." I tell you what, gas doesn't freeze but fuel lines do, that's why you are supposed to put Heet or other fuel anti-freezing fuel supplements in your car. I know this because every Christmas my mom puts two bottles in my stocking. <br />
<br />
But I hadn't put the Heet in my car. And I was on E. My car is cold and it does not want to wake up. So after hitching a ride to far away work and back, I still don't have a running car. Because it is still cold! I wanted to check on my car during the warmest part of the day, you know, with the sun shining on it and all, but since the warmest part of the day today was 5 degrees, it probably wasn't going to work. I am holding out hope for tomorrow when the high is supposed to be 19. <br />
<br />
I have failed my winter genome. Don't tell my mom.Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15159439399105037440noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2279940846144244806.post-78693337527578236882013-01-31T22:14:00.000-06:002013-01-31T22:14:27.441-06:00The Night Before Fiberuary"twas the night before <a href="http://www.fiberuary.com/">Fiberuary</a> and all through the house,<br />
all the fibers were celebrating, including those in my blouse<br />
<br />
The Irish oats were stocked in the cupboard with care,<br />
with the hopes that full bowls and bowels would soon appear<br />
<br />
The grains were are nestled snug in their jars,<br />
near the cereals and FiberOne bars.<br />
<br />
The beets were anticipating from the fridge,<br />
and the cabbege was wilting, but just a tidge<br />
<br />
When at midnight, there arose such a clatter,<br />
from a neighbor who appear to be quite a bit fatter<br />
<br />
"It's Groundhog Day!", they exclaimed supreme,<br />
I saw that my iphone displayed February 1st, 2013<br />
<br />
It's Fiberuary! I yelled as in correction,<br />
and no one echoed my grand jubliation<br />
<br />
But once they discovered the delights in store<br />
I knew they would herald Fiberuary glore<br />
<br />
For the month of soluble and insoluble bliss<br />
was upon us once again to provide an intestinal tryst<br />
<br />
For 28 days or 29 depending on the year,<br />
active bowels are nothing to fear<br />
<br />
On Bran! And Quinoa! Go Chicory and Greens!<br />
Bring forth happy digestion to the elderly, middle aged and teens! <br />
<br />
Happy Fiberuary to all and to all a good fiber delight!<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15159439399105037440noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2279940846144244806.post-52106996977414955572013-01-30T16:56:00.000-06:002013-01-30T16:56:49.273-06:00JulyIreland is a go.<br />
<br />
For two weeks this summer, I will be soaking up all Dublin and Galway has to offer. Plus it's a writing residency, so I'll get to soak up all that creative juice stuff that dribbles off the faculty and participates.<br />
<br />
Tally-ho!<br />
<br />
(Oh no! Wrong exit greeting!)Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15159439399105037440noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2279940846144244806.post-36535959311806548542013-01-29T13:53:00.000-06:002013-01-29T13:53:06.353-06:00A thing I did a long time ago!Remember 2011 or was it even 2010?<br />
<br />
I don't, but I took part in a year-long art project where I filled a sketchbook up, then the Brooklyn Art Library had an exhbition. My book is crazy and nuts and non-linear and about me. <a href="http://www.sketchbookproject.com/library/5062#page-slide_17">Check it!</a><br />
<br />
Some of my favorite pages are <a href="http://www.sketchbookproject.com/library/5062#page-slide_17">Canker Sore Cartography</a><br />
<br />
And my<a href="http://www.sketchbookproject.com/library/5062#page-slide_11"> accidental blank page</a><br />
<br />
Yup, you can read and enjoy my scribblings.Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15159439399105037440noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2279940846144244806.post-72980399210762071482013-01-28T22:05:00.001-06:002013-01-28T22:05:12.458-06:00The Great Motivator: Some FactsThe great motivator.<br />
<br />
Ordering a bridesmaid dress accidentally a size too small.<br />
<br />
Fortunately, I have six months before the wedding.<br />
<br />
Also, right now is January. The month where we take stock of all the crap and nonsense I've eaten in December.<br />
<br />
So I went back to the gym tonight. This wedding better not get cancelled.<br />
<br />
<br />Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15159439399105037440noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2279940846144244806.post-41469755362966017052013-01-27T13:30:00.001-06:002013-01-27T13:30:46.373-06:00Facebook Fast FailureWell, that didn't work out as planned. Yesterday, after I made that post about how I wasn't going to look at FB even though I really wanted to, I did. Just once. And with a purpose. And I didn't even scroll down.<br />
<br />
But that still does not make it better. Then, today I looked at it again. I even scrolled down. And sent a FB message to someone, clicked some shared links and 'liked' some things.<br />
<br />
Then I left. <br />
<br />
I am so ashamed.<br />
<br />
This is like that time I tried to do the Master Cleanse and ended up at the Thai restaurant in two days.<br />
<br />
<br />Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15159439399105037440noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2279940846144244806.post-17203740600299011032013-01-26T13:26:00.000-06:002013-01-26T13:26:27.257-06:00Facebook Fast Day #2I am having a hard time staying off Facebook today. I want, no, I need, NEED to want to know what is happening with peeps. Mainly, because I sent a text and since I didn't get a right away response I am going crazy.<br />
<br />
<br />
But no matter. I distracted myself by venting about it here. You are welcome. Also then I won't forget to post later.<br />
<br />
<br />Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15159439399105037440noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2279940846144244806.post-56837694936333097022013-01-25T22:57:00.000-06:002013-01-25T22:57:14.709-06:00Facebook Fast Day #1 and Haircut Ladies!Facebook Fast Day #1 Update:<br />
I really wanted to look at Facebook today, but I didn't. Not looking at it was easier than I thought. I kept thinking I had all these important things to say on the FB, this coming from someone who status updates maybe 20 times a year (not including my blatant show promotion posts).<br />
<br />
One could argue because I have the email notifications for the messages on FB that that is looking at FB. But I can read those in my email and not have to go to the site. I don't know how I survived not knowing about who ate what or which one of my friends needs attention about something.<br />
<br />
Maybe I even gained some time today but not looking at FB. I think so.<br />
<br />
Second thing about today:<br />
I spent some time this evening in a room with women with well kept hair. And I mean at the salon every six weeks hair. Using deep conditioner and knowing how to use a round brush hair.<br />
<br />
And you know who these women were?<br />
<br />
Elementary school teachers. All with amazing hair. At the end of the day on a Friday. As they drank wine.<br />
<br />
Damn.Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15159439399105037440noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2279940846144244806.post-61598284580454909882013-01-24T07:01:00.000-06:002013-01-25T07:01:23.674-06:00Facebook FastI decided to go on a week long Facebook fast. I hit the Facebook app on my phone.<br />
<br />
I read an article this week about how Facebook makes people unhappy. Tonight, I got annoyed by Facebook and decided I didn't need to let Facebook affect my mood, so I am going on a Facebook Fast, until next Friday. I am looking forward to focusing on other things on the internet when I want to waste time and a generally more self-centeredness since I won't be reading other people's garbage posts. I am still allowed Instagram and Twitter.<br />
<br />
So I'll see how this goes. Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15159439399105037440noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2279940846144244806.post-76471821045948133572013-01-23T22:40:00.001-06:002013-01-23T22:40:42.838-06:00Confession time: GamesI do not like the game Apples to Apples.<br />
<br />
No matter how much you tell me it is awesome, I will not want to play it.<br />
<br />
Catchphrase is my favorite game.<br />
<br />
It should be yours too.Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15159439399105037440noreply@blogger.com0