Saturday, December 3, 2011

New favorite things and places to find me on the internet and real life

I have a lot of new favorite things right now. The least of which has been blogging. Don't you find it weird that when a neglected blog is updated that the blogger feels obligated to acknowledge or even apologize for their absence? Like I am doing right now.

Clearly, I have be so busy doing all of my new favorite things that I couldn't possible be expected to remember to blog all my delicate important observance into internet form. I mean I can't even muster up the energy (or confidence) to make a Facebook status update. (though Twitter that is another story, I am convinced I am pretty anonymous on Twitter so it takes less energy. And people talk less about food on there. So it is mildly more entertaining.)

Back on track here, new favorite things. Here they are:

This is the premiere collection of sad playwrights in the world. If you need a play written, you need a sad playwright. Go there. Find a sad one. Create art. I even have a profile, even though the only sad I really ever am is occasionally a Seasonal Affective Disorder sufferer, but I can still be brooding. 

Off-Book at HUGE Improv Theater  produced by Emily Schmidt

This show is so much fun and I see a lot of shows. It is the perfect combination of scripted and improv combining an improviser with an actor who has memorized one half of a script. And then they perform the scene. It is like the short form improv game "blind line" but one step further. Get your tickets early, it has been selling out and Huge sells beers too! The show runs Saturdays at 8pm until January 7 and clear your life for December 17th because that is when I perform. 

Collections of comedic memoir essay books that make a passing reference to Alan Rickman

I read two books these week. Free Fire Zone by Teresa Rebeck and Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? by Mindy Kaling and both of these awesome books make a super tiny reference to Alan Rickman! 
Note to self: When I write my book of comedic memoir essay make a tiny reference to Alan Rickman.
Note to everyone else: Don't be intimidated, I know by writing that I read two books this week makes me sound like a powerhouse of literature, but really I finished one book this week and then immediately started the other, I am not a machine I have improv shows to spaz out in.  

Pretending I am a doctor

Imagine a paper cut, then replace the paper with a 1/4 inch think plane of straight glass and that is what is one my thumb. I cut it on Thursday. There was a lot of blood. I covered it with three bandages and ate some figs hoping that would fix everything. It is pretty deep, maybe it needed stitches but maybe not. So now I am doing a lot of doctoring with butterfly bandages, iodine and thumb immobilization. It looks like it is working. It is pretty fun taking care of my wounded thumb, this must be what it's like to have a child. I hope my thumb gets into a good college. 

Delayed Winter

As I write this the first 'real' snowfall is happening in Minneapolis. By 'real' I mean a snowfall that will possibly hang around until March. We had a brief ice storm a few weeks ago but it melted away. But up until today, it was like summer all the time. I don't even know where my snow pants are yet! It has been really, really wonderful. And has put everyone in a great mood. This snow still could melt, I think it might. I also believe winter is over on March 1st because of physics. 

There you go, my new favorite things!

Monday, September 5, 2011

Summer of Being Famous: I think I might be nearing fall

Have you ever been reading through my blog and thought to yourself, "Hey, I wish I could learn even more about Heather but on a different blog?"

You know it.

Click here.

There you will learn all about me and my relationship with art. There is also a photo of my cat there. 

Michele Campell has created a series of interviews with all types of artists about their life of art. (I am one of the artists!) It's pretty cool. And Michele is pretty cool too, she speaks French. And she is funny. Really funny. 

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Summer of bring Famous: Famous People I know

2011 is the summer of being famous. And who is more famous than my friends? No one!

Here is Brian and Brooke on their home makeover show!

Here is more of Brooke on the same show:

Famous. I know them.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

How to take good pictures: A satire

Don't worry aspiring photographers. There are ten easy rules to taking great pictures. 

I also found a bunch of photos I took, please be impressed with my skills.


Rules to taking good photos:

1. Take a photo of something really close up. Make sure it is in focus. If it is not in focus then...

Ooh! A close-up of a cut red pepper!
 Doesn't it look like lady parts?
2. Make it black and white. Black and white can turn any crappy photo into a magical metaphor image things.

3. Take a photo of shoes. This is especially important if you want to be a wedding photographer. Shoes equal love and togetherness and family.

4. Take a photo with some type of reflection in a mirror. The mirror can be anything a silver goblet, car mirror, gold tooth.

5. Hands. Any photo of hands is going to win you a Noble Peace Prize for Science. They are that good.

6. Don't forget to take a picture of shoes. Wedding shoes, solider shoes, baby shoes, horseshoes, cement shoes.

Shoes on vacation!
7. Put a fancy something next to a ugly dirty something. Goes better together than chocolate and peanut butter and hay.

8. Have someone jump. Even if they are a mermaid. Especailly if they are a mermaid. People love photos of jumping. Because people never jump in real life.

9. Find a pregnant lady. Make her show you her belly. Put her in any situation (climbing a tree, smelling a brand new car). Take a picture of that.

10. Cats. There never are too many cat photos.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Putting 2011 Fringe to Rest or My show kicked ass

There I am selling Evening Foam.
Official fringe wrap-up and moving on.

I saw 18 shows. That is one more than last year. Good work for me.

By the numbers:

Saw 18 shows
Usher for 6 shows
Performed 6 times

Those are the biggest numbers for my fringing yet. Good work me. Next year, I will try to see twenty shows.

Your Responsibility for Sex Failure also won an encore slot! What's the encore slot, you ask? Well, an encore slot is awarded to the top-selling show of each venue. So We were the top selling show of the Theatre Garage so we got a bonus sixth performance! That was awesome. I am so thankful for everyone who came and helped make that happen.

What else? Metro Magazine wrote a wonderful review of the show! FringeFamous reviewed us too. Sure, they didn’t care too much for the show but it’s a step up from last year when they landed my "On the bottom on the waitlist with no chance of getting the fringe" show as number 2 on the worst titles of the 2010 Fringe.

Looks like I am moving up in the world.

We also go 38 audience reviews! That is 38 people who thought about my show enough later to log on to the internet to share their thoughts about it! That is amazing! Rockstars! 

So what do I do now, after fringe the world keeps asking me? I think I want to buy a Crock Pot. 

Monday, August 8, 2011

Fringe for real: A simple listing

Fringe is happening. All over my face. 

I have seen 11 shows so far and Sex Failure has had two performances. I am really proud of the cast and crew of Your Responsibility for Sex Failure and I am so proud of the audience too. They are handsome. It seems like everyone is having fun, and that is our whole deal. Come hang out with us and have fun times. Three more perfromances. Click here. to buy tickets. The press has been very generous to us. Thank you Metro Mag, MSP/ST. Paul Mag and all the audience reviews and Tweets! I am blown away by the encouragement.

These are the shows I saw in the order I saw them:

Comedy=Tragedy+Someone Else
I'm Totally President
Once Upon a Time in the Suburbs
Our Freaking Kids Show
Losing My Religion: Confessions of a New Age Refugee
Death Perception
Hauser Dance Unraveled
Anglina is a Zionist Whore or Plan 9 from Baghdad

If you want to know my opinion of these shows, you shall buy me a drink or a sandwich. Because I liked talking to people in person. You should talk to me in a person way. However, I will tell you that none of these shows sucked. So go check them out.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Fringe Friday #11: It's totally Fringe

Friday Friday #11: It totally fringe.

I missed posting last Friday because I was in a wedding in North Dakota. A different kind of madness.

But today is the first day of fringe. It is happening. There is no stopping it. We at Your Responsibility for Sex Failure wish every one a Merry Christmas. I mean, Jolly Good Fringe Times.

Your Responsibility for Sex Failure opens tomorrow at 7pm at the Minneapolis Theatre Garage. On Lyndale and Franklin. Across the street from Rudoph's, in Uptown, where moto-i as Fringe Central is. You have no excuse not to go.

Look at this: Show Trailer!

Your Responsibility for Sex Failure (Trailer) from Amber Johnson on Vimeo.

Did you already see this:

Our Fringe-for-All Preview!

See you later!

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Fringe Friday #10: A day early with video embeds!

Your Responsibility for Sex Failure
created by Heather Meyer and Mary Certain
Minnesota Fringe Festival 2011
Minneapolis Theatre Garage
Aug 4-14

Fringe-for-all number #1 happened on Monday!  30 companies had 3 minutes each to preview their upcoming fringe shows. In the audience, we had programs listing the performers and space to write notes.

I totally took notes. But I can't read them now, since I wrote them in the dark. Actually, I can't read them because I can't read my own handwriting.

But if you weren't there, here are some videos of the previews.

The Rambler Family Ramblers  Final Christmas Reunion Spectacular!

And Uptown: The Musical

I saw this show during it's run this spring, if you like bikes you'll love it. If you don't like bikes, get the hell out of Uptown.

I am too lazy to post any more videos. You can see them all at

or just come to Fringe-for-All #2 on July 25th at Mixed Blood Theatre, we'll be there. Maybe the doctor can give you a check-up.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Fringe Friday #9: More Uniforms-ity

Plastic children wigs.
Your Responsibility for Sex Failure
Aug 4-14
MN Fringe Festival 2011
Minneapolis Theatre Garage

Uniform News!

What's sexier than a bunch of actors in a sexy show? 

A bunch of actors and a North Star Roller Girl in a show! Actor Daisy Donohue has just be selected as the newest member of the league. So you can see her kick ass onstage and on the track. Daisy plays the lovely, but distant wife, Carla Baldwin in Your Responsibility for Sex Failure.

Men in uniform news!
Also incredibly sexy are men in uniforms.

So get your fix every Friday night at HUGE Improv Theatre seeing Police Cop Detective PI featuring John Haynes who plays the dashing Doctor Baldwin in Your Responsibility for Sex Failure.

More Uniforms!
What's more better than one sexy nurse?

Three sexy nurses.

Yes, on Thursday night the Sex Failure's sexy nurse quotient tripled. Which means more sexy nurse outfits. Nurse uniforms are important, because without a uniform, a sexy nurse is just a sexy naked lady. 

AND THAT IS NOT THE SHOW WE ARE DOING.     At least not yet.

Today, I went to purchase the last of the uniforms at the good old uniform store. After finding the dress and asking about a return policy (since I needed my newest nurse, Mary, [in her debut theatrical role!] to try it on) the clerk asked if I was a professional. In my incredible honesty, I admitted this was for a play which made the clerk freaked out and explain that they had a very generous return policy for professionals. But theatres can suck her dick.  She's convinced that all theatres take photos of uniforms then return them with make-up on. Which I am sure has happened. But if she can tell me what 'real' 'professionals' are wearing nurse dresses not for any form of entertainment (wink, wink) and I'll show you a hospital full of fully insured horny perverts. After I used my incredible sweet talking skills, I managed to eek out a small 48hr return window should the dress not fit. Then I tried to pay for the dress and she needed to see my photo ID (clearly all theatre folk are also ID thefts) to which she replied "this can't possibly be you." She didn't believe it was me in my ID.

In her defense, my driver's license photo looks like this:

And I showed up at the uniform store looking like this:

But I was up all night fighting the indoor rainstorm coming from my ceiling and had a eyebrow wax that left my face with zits where my eyebrows used to be. This is why I usually let my eyebrows roam free, stupid vanity.

I have to admit, initially when she was in disbelief of my photo I thought is was because I looked so good today and so awful in my photo. I explained my ID photo was taken two years ago and I had lost a lot of weight and was wearing different clothes. When really it was because I look really put together in my photo and like a train-wrecked hobo zit-wraith in today's humidity (and usually). 

Whatever, she still let me give her money for a uniform she was certain I was going to try to return later. 


Monday, July 11, 2011

Fringe Friday #8: Quiz: Are you the perfect wife?

Your Responsibility for Sex Failure
Presented by Vintage Remix
Minneapolis Theatre Garage 
Aug 4-14

As part of this very special belated Fringe Friday blog, I am sharing with you a quiz from Home Chat magazine circa 1961

Are you the Perfect Wife?

I also provide my scores and commentary in blue, so prospective suiters know what kind of wife I have the potential to be. 

The answers will be in red, so keep a tally of your score as you go!

Let's get started!

Quizzes are fun, and they tell us a lot about ourselves that we might not otherwise own up to. This one sets out to show you how you line up as a marriage partner. 

Lock yourself away quietly somewhere, and answer each question honestly, putting the answers down on paper. 

When you score (we'll tell you how to do that at the end of the quiz) you'll know just how successful you are as your husband's 'better half"

1. Which of these age groups do you consider the ideal time for a woman to get married?
a) below 22
b) between 22 and 27
c) over twenty-seven Heather's Answer C. 
If you chose b, give yourself 1 point! 

2. When there's and outing in view, are you of the opinion that a wife should...
a) Choose the play, film or whatever it is?
b) be asked her opinion before the outing is planned? I chose this one. 
c) be ready to like whatever her husband chooses?
Get one point for answer b!

3. Sleep is a time when the sub-conscious runs free and behavior at that time tells many a story of the emotions.
a) do you dream a lot?
b) do you consistently over-sleep, though you're aware that it's time to get up? Me =b
c) do you wake up and lie for a while, planning the day?
1 point for answer c!

4. On the subject of marriage, do you consider that...
a) the advantages are mutual? They better be. A.
b) The primary purpose of marriage is the legal protection of women?
c) marriage is a social and religious necessity?
Give yourself a point for answer a.

5. There is a woman behind every successful man,’ assuming this to be true, would you say that the ideal wife should…
a) concentrate on looking after the creature comforts of her husband?
b) assist him in his work by learning all she can about it?
c) remain in the background because of the danger of nagging at the one extreme and rivalry of talent at the other?
I had no answer for this one.
Score 1 point  if you answered a!

6. Like most men, you husband had a number of girl-friends before he met you; some were serious affairs; others mere flirtations. If you both met one of these old flames, still unmarried, would you...
a) demand to know how serious the affair was?
b) laugh at the possibility of such a woman ever being a rival to you? Yup, I am conceited. b.
c) arrange things to that you never meet again?
Score 1 point for answer a!

7. At the annual dance of your husband’s firm, with whom do you consider your husband should dance first?
a) the boss’s wife—because it would probably enhance his position in the firm?
b) his secretary, as the girl obviously hopes he will 
c) you? Duh? c.
Score 1 point for answer b!

8. If you ever sit back and compare your husband with other men you know (especially your brother or father), do you tell yourself that ...
a) He's got one or two faults like every man, but they really don't matter. This. A.
b) he would be just perfect if only he would stop that little mannersim. ...of punching me....
c) he's just perfect. 
1 point for answer a!

9. Do you believe that the greatest power of love which human beings can show (excluding the unassailable love of a mother for her child) are between..
a) A man and woman before marriage
b) man and man, like David and Jonathan
c) members of the same family
d) Huey Lewis and The News
1 point for answer a!
I wonder why it says before marriage?

10. When your husband comes home with stories of troubles at work do you...
a) listen quietly
b) offer advice I would do this and he would hate me for it, then again, he's the one complaining 
c) tell him about your own problems of the day
Give yourself 1 point for answer b!
I am surprised I got a point for this.

11. A divoreced man is unlikely to make a good husband. Do you consider this to be generally true?
Probably not. 
Deduct 1 point if you answered yes!

12. Your husband manages to get a few days extra holiday, quite apart from the family fortnight by the sea. He suggests that the children be packed off to a relative while you both go away. Would your reaction be...
a) this was a thoughtful romantic scheme Yes. Yes. Yes
b) he was being selfish
c) it would be a perfectly miserable time for you
1 point for answer a!

13. Maybe your husband's tastes in clothes are a little out-of-date, but they are certainly definite. When he gives you some money to buy a new dress, do you...
a) Buy something fashionable because you know that eventually he will frow to like it.
b) make certain to get his favorite color
c) take the advice of a woman-friend or the saleswoman

Wait, my husband is giving me money? Is it my allowance? Did I have to mow the lawn first? I would buy a tattoo and a bucket of ice cream. 

1 point for answer a!

14. Who gets the early morning tea in your house?
a) Your husband
b) You
c) sometimes one, sometimes the other I chose c, and I am delighted we are fancy tea people.

1 point for answer c!

15. Most of us have to face the fact the bereavement is a possible future tragedy. In your thoughts about it is your first reaction
a) how you will manage financially?
b) how you will manage to go on living?
c) you hope you will die before your husband?

My answer, who do I sell all his porn to? Apparently, my pretend husband has quite a collection.

1 point for answer b!
How will I go on living? Good thing  I have those cyanide capsules.

16 If you husband fell seriously ill, would you prefer to
a) have a skilled nurse to help you:
b) get him to a good hospital right away? Yes. b.
c) nurse him yourself
1 point for answer a!
Really?  Well,  I hope he doesn' t want to get better.

17. Do you consider that perfect love could only be perfect if it consisted solely of the marriage of two minds and the physical side did not enter into it?
I don't understand this question.
If you said "yes" deduct 1 point.

18. Have you ever gone to the doctor about a pain which you are assured has no physical basis?
No. Going to the doctor is too expensive to pretend at.
If you said "yes" deduct 1 point.

19. Do you think that in a well-run home housework should be paid for like any other job by a stated proportion of the gross income?
If I am doing it, yes. 
If you said "yes" deduct 1 point.

20. Would you like to be back in your childhood days again?
Sure, but I am pretty sure I didn't leave.
If you said "yes" deduct 1 point.
In this examination paper, sixteen marks are the best possible score you can obtain. Any woman who can boast such a score has proved as so many wives always have, that the strange mixture of idealistic woman, helpmate, lover and foster-mother which all men hope to find combined in one woman, can be obtained

If your score is between 12 and 15, your husband can count himself as fortunate among men, as and far luckier than most as he probably realizes.

Between 8 and 11 is fairly good, though an examination of the questions where you made no score will show where you are failing in this difficult job of being a wife. Maybe you lost some marks on those ‘minus’ questions they are psychological ones which are really danger signals of hidden faults. Recognize their existence and you can put them right, adding marking to put yourself in a happier grouping.

Less than 8 would indicate that you have answered the questions without sufficient thought, for very few wives who are happy in their marriage will get such a low score.

I got a 5. My life is over.

Source: Home Chat, December 30th 1961


Friday, July 1, 2011

Fringe Friday #7: It's alive!

The fringe website is alive!!!!!!

Check it out!

You're still here?


Then check out Your Responsibility for Sex Failure's Facebook page! Like it! You should like it, then it will tell you when the show is happening in the privacy of your very own Facebook.

Internet, you are helpful.

Are you still here? I just gave you two awesome links to get yourself distracted within. Thank you for your dedication! As a prize, look at this stainless steel kidney shaped bowl!

Doctory, right?

Love it? Like us on Facebook!

Where did the rest of the "like" button go?

Happy 4th of July weekend!

Friday, June 24, 2011

Fringe Friday #6: Dick Happens

Not even in real rehearsals yet and Your Responsibility for Sex Failure has drama! Offstage drama that is. we have mama drama. 

Remember last week, when I gushed about our super sweet postcards designed by Mary Certain who is also the other have of Vintage Remix, producers of this show?

Those postcards are awesome, right?

Sexy, right?

Campy, right?

Doctory, right?

It's 1964, right?


We've been sharing our postcards with the world like the sexiest kind of disease. Everyone was happy to be infect with this itch until I got this text from Mary.

Mary: The postcards offended my mom.

Heather: Is that a good or bad thing?

Then Mary sent me this email with the whole story:

I talked to my mom today to wish her happy birthday. She was okay with 
that. Then she said she had to "ask me questions" and said how offended 
she was about the postcards. She didn't have a problem with them on Sunday 
when I gave them to her or when I saw her again later in the day, but whatever. 
Then she grilled me on how she hoped I wasn't working on them at work, 
given that they were so offensive. I assured her that I had work to do at 
work and wouldn't dream of abusing that. So I was confused but said, 
"Well, you don't have to come to the show." She said she felt like she would 
probably still come to the show, being my mom, but she hoped it wasn't 
going to be very offensive. Then she said she "didn't notice at first, but 
was very upset when she noticed later." I asked her whether she was 
looking at the same postcards I was and what on earth she was talking about. She 
explained that she noticed that the woman is pointing with a penis. "With 
that crease, it's so graphic." Heather, my mom thinks Deb has a penis for a finger. I informed her that she was mistaken. Now I kind of can't wait to introduce them. And show her Deb's penis in real life. So apparently my mom is a pervert. 
I'd say yes, it's good to offend her. 


This is the best story in the whole world. Don't even try to top it. This story is the best.  And now our postcards are like collector's items like the whole Dog/Penis/Leg Debacle of the 2007 IKEA catalog!

Here's the offensive postcard. See if you can find the penis finger!!

Get your finger wang postcard before it's too late!

*Vintage Remix is not responsible for offending people with actual penis fingers, sorry Edward Penishands.

Your Responsibility for Sex Failure 
MN Fringe Festival
Minneapolis Theatre Garage
Aug 4-14, 2011

Monday, June 20, 2011

I'm so pretty I should be on a podcast

I've declared this summer The Summer of Being Famous.

So of course, I am on a podcast. (I totally misspelled that podcats, which would also be awesome).

I didn't have to do anything especially famousy to be on this podcast, in fact all I had to do was submit my name and phone number to a stranger.

And the result.....

The Better Strangers Podcast hosted by Aric McKeown.

The premise of the podcast is "Socially awkward podcast host Aric McKeown explores his very elementary grasp on the art of conversation with complete strangers." 

The combination of this premise and my own spaz-tastic awkwardness makes for one one-of-a-kind conversation. 

Aric and I had never met, and still have never met but we talked and talked about almost everything, and by everything we mean goats, assumptions and other stuff. 

If you can make it to the 30 minute mark, I think that is where the goat fighting story is.

And you find out how much I hate Tyler. What a jerk.