Monday, December 3, 2012

Death Cane.

Most of this morning has been about eating a candy cane. I didn’t eat breakfast. (Right now, your brain just reacted to that statement by saying “Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.” I know it happened, it’s ok, it’s instinct.)

But I did have breakfast. Sort of. I mixed vitamin powder with water and almond milk. And I drank that. (Did you brain react by saying “Vitamins are just expensive pee.”? This is not instinct, nor do I think that. And even if I did, I would then bottle my urine and sell it, since it is so expensive.) 

So having this water smoothie meant I was still hungry. Last night, I took home a candy cane from a holiday party (instead of a co-worker), which I thought would just languish on my kitchen counter until March when I threw it away. However, this morning Practical Self said “Ah! A candy cane you can eat that all morning to stave off hungry pains until lunch. Just like you used to do in high school.” (I would have to eat hard candies in 4th period English to calm my stomach grumblies because lunch was so late and my stomach was so LOUD.) Also, in my hobby of alternative therapies, I think I learned once that peppermint essential oil helps suppress appetite. Or I read that on a yahoo news article. So with that the candy cane was the solution to all my problems.

This is not the point of this essay. The point is: I haven’t eaten a cane candy in a very long time. 

The novelty of an entire cane of peppermint sugar wore off for me in about 3rd grade. Though I 
am still a fan of them for decorative and comedic effect. (Hilarious cigars! Tiny Skies! Get that guy off stage!). I think candy canes are big commitment candy and I prefer variety and quantity. From a ‘bang for your buck’ standpoint, candy canes are a great deal. For around $3 (or a ten, I don’t know how much they cost anymore) you can get 12 canes of dense candy that takes at least 15 minutes to consume. That is a lot of mouth confection time, considering I can eat a whole bag of mini Reese’s in ten minutes (including unwrapping time). In this case, candy canes are even a healthier option too, since candy canes contain pretty much only sugar and no trans fats, take that tiny Reese’s. Plus, if your sweet tooth isn’t exhausted after sucking a whole cane down then I am pretty convinced that you are an elf. Elves only eat candy, right? I’ve seen that Will Ferrell movie.

This morning’s adventure in seasonal candy has been dangerous. Candy canes are sharp. I didn’t even do the sucking on one end thing until it is a pointy death tip, like we all did in school. Do they even still allow candy canes in school? It’s the easiest and most delicious way to make a shiv for cutting your classmates.

Also crazy dangerous (craz-ngerous? Yes.) is the act of sucking on a candy cane. You could fall and be throat stabbed by your own holiday treat. Or someone could push it through your soft palate. Or it could be strapped to a rocket and shot through the atmosphere to an unsuspecting undiscovered planet.

To avoid all danger with my cane, I ate it like an adult, breaking off small mouth sized pieces. This breaking of the cane resulted in showers of candy shards all over my desk. I imagined the night creatures finding this sugar shrapnel and licking the top of my desk and then I would come in tomorrow and my desk would be all sticky from night creature saliva.

I still continued to break mouth sized pieces off. Man, even the small cylinders of candy cane are deadly. Rolling around in my mouth, I thought I would choke at any minute if I hit the breaks of my car or a co-worker surprised me at my desk. Plus there are still sharp edges on the piece that scratch up the insides of your mouth as you suck on it. That is, if you were able to break of a piece that actually fit in your mouth. Candy canes do not break where you want them to. Whoever engineers candy canes, needs to also design bridges.  

So I have been trying to encase too large pieces of cane in my mouth, avoid being choked, trying not to think about the cavities that are being conceived in my molars, using all my muscle strength to break the cane, removing the night creature cane bit bait, crawling everywhere to not fall down to not be stabbed just because of this candy cane.

I am exhausted. Looks like I’ll need a little sugar pick me up.

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