Monday, May 24, 2010

Your future

The time:
Tomorrow May 25th 2010 8:00pm.

The where:
Donny Dirk's Zombie Den

The what:
Zombie Sweater Screening.

Go see the film that is even better on the biggish screen.

And it is better than the version on the internet. Because Avenue Q had it right "everyone is a little bit racist". (you thought I was going to do the internet for porn joke, didn't you? Yeah, you thought that and I tricked you, suckers)

A photo to tease you (because it is too short for a trailer)

Amazing, I know and there is life outside your apartment (more Avenue Q insight, still not internet for porn though).

Now read aloud in a friendly generic Southern accent:

"Come on down to Donny Dirk's Zombie Den, we'll be have a grand ole time and sure would love to see your pretty little sunshine face. Especially since if you didn't have come you would be sitting at home worshipping the AC and looking at internet porn. Actually I'm surprised that you even took the time away from your surfing to glance at this porn-free blog. Hell, I don't even know what we have a blog since we all 'round her know the internet is for porn"(there's your Avenue Q porn quote, geeks)

Stop watching porn for an hour and come an talk to really people. Real people who talk. And watch a ridiculous little zombie film and then later you can watch a bunch of porn.

Cease and Desist Letter from United States Bread Council

May 24th, 2010

Re: The Culture of Doing Things Blog 

Confession: Double Down Sandwich

Dear Ms. Meyer:

Pursuant to my rights under federal culinary identification  laws, I am requesting that you cease and desist referring to the chicken/bacon/sauce/cheese/chicken entree as a sandwich. A sandwich is defined as the marriage between bread surrounding a filling. Bread must be included in any description of a sandwich and the Double Down Entree at KFC does not include any bread, therefore it is illegal to be referred to as a sandwich as you so carelessly did in your recent blog entitled Confession: Double Down Sandwich.
You are hereby notified that if you do not comply with this request, I will immediately file a complaint with the Federal Culinary Commission and the Minnesota Attorney General’s office. Civil and criminal claims will be pursued.

M. Rye Bread

Commissioner of United States Bread Council

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Confession: Double Down Sandwich

The most grown-up thing in the world in choosing a health care plan. Since I have changed employers, I have had a 'qualifying life event,' that provides me the opportunity to choose a new health care plan, and because at the end of the month my former employer's plan is over.

So I guess I need to choose a plan this week.

I found it interesting that after checking boxes both that said I was A) non-smoker B)Declining chemical dependency care C)Healthy as a horse; that all I really wanted to do was go eat that Double Down Sandwich from KFC.

I couldn't control the thoughts. I really wanted to eat that sandwich. As a culinary adventurer, I felt it was my duty to eat that sandwich.

You know that sandwich, the one with bacon, cheese and sauce sandwiched between two fried chicken breasts.

I don't like bacon.

But I must eat that sandwich.

No, I must pick a health care plan.


So I went for the sandwich. One of the advantages of the new job is my mighty fine location a breath away from my favorite food location in all of the Twin Cities, the Midtown Global Market.

That is not where that sandwich lives. The sandwich lives at KFC across the street from the Midtown Global Market.

I went there. It was empty except for the grey-haired couple in front of me. I see so many signs for the sandwich everywhere. Did you know that you can order the Double Down Sandwich grilled? The elderly couple in front of me was taking a long time to decided what to order. I was having seconds thoughts. I haven't eaten at a fast food restaurant in almost a year, what was I doing standing in a KFC? I  eat meat for entertainment (make sex jokes now) and have been thoroughly entertained without the meat (the food) in that past few weeks. Why am I here?

I am here for the sandwich.

The old woman in front of me asks the cashier, "What's that sandwich that everyone is taking about?"

I want to scream, "THE DOUBLE DOWN SANDWICH!" The sandwich's headshots are plastered all over the restaurant. It was like going in to Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. and kept asking what movie did Tom Hanks, ride a lawn mower, grew a bread and meat fifteen presidents while playing ping pong in a storm of slow floating feathers.

The old woman orders the sandwich, I fear for her life. I fear for my life before that sandwich and I can at least read the menu.

Finally, its my turn. I order that sandwich, original (code for FRIED) not grilled. I am going all out on this one. And I order a side of baked beans for strategy (I thought they would be a good escort to usher the Double Down out before I was doubled over.) 

The sandwich arrived (all over my face).

It was much smaller that expected (more sex jokes now). Even with its small stature, it was inviting (sex jokes). It was a surprising mouthful (sex jokes). The chicken breasts are much more dense than bread and then with the added bacon sauce and cheese party it was a little difficult to eat. What I noticed most was the salt. It was a salt bomb on the remote un-warring island of my taste buds. The cheese was OK and the sauce was exciting!! Sauce and cheese, but the sandwich didn't thrill me.

Because I forgot one thing.

I hate chicken.

Really, chicken is to food as platinum blond is to a life-changing makeover. Easy and boring.

I wanted to like the sandwich. I wanted it to be made of ground chicken patties, not chicken breasts. Chicken patties would be more like bread, easier to bite into and not as boring. I really wanted to like the sandwich, I wanted it to become a secret vice of mine (I haven't had a secret vice since the beginning of my first semester of college when I would drive around the streets of Dubuque alone eating dinner from fast food restaurants in my car, yeah, freshman fifteen hello, you're the first person I've told this to, so Internet, I obviously love you.)

Simple bean shot!
I ate the beans, I wasn't hungry, I ate the beans to help push the salt, chicken boob attack in to new territory. They were kind of boring too. The container the beans came in said reusable on the top. I thought that was weird.

So I had eaten the sandwich. I don't regret it, not do I rush to repeat it. Stupid sandwich, dashed hopes.

I hate you sandwich.

But I still wanted to love you...

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Zombie Sweater at Cinema Lounge at Bryant Lake Bowl

ZOMBIE SWEATER returns to the big screen!

7:00Pm Wednesday May 19, 2010, my film Zombie Sweater will screen at the Cinema Lounge presented by IFP Minnesota at Bryant Lake Bowl.

There will be a Q & A after the film in which I will answer questions from the host and you(!) the audience! So come prepared with questions.

I am really excited that Zombie Sweater was selected for the Cinema Lounge, I didn't realize the film qualified for the screening but the great people at Women Stand Up and Shoot and IFP Minnesota made this happen!

So come on down to the BLB and see some great films and ask me hard questions about Zombie Sweater: Because Fashion isn't the only dangerous trend.

And don't worry if you can't make it to the BLB, Donny Dirk's Zombie Den is screening the film May 25th at 8:00pm!!

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Suck it, 1, 2, 3

I hate 1,2,3.

They think they are so cool, being at the front of the line up and all. Everyone has to use 1,2,3.

Person: On three! One, Two, Three!

Person 2: On three? or wait for three?

Person: On three, always on three.

(yeah, on three people, waiting for after three is unnesscary, you could have just gone until two then, boneheads.)

Winners of first place are always the best. Third place gets a bronze medal.

Bronze is special, you know the only other time bronze is used is to immortalize baby shoes, the most special shoes in the world. Stupid number 3 and its friends 1 and 2.

And we are always ranking things. Name you first choice, and second choice, oh hell, give us your top three favorite. No one ever wants to know my 8th favorite of anything, only my top three.

1,2,3 it's always 1, 2, 3. Or uno, dos, tres or any other translation. What about 17, 18, 19? Or 78, 79, 80. or 134, 73, 990?

One, two, three, they think they are so cool.

1, 2, 3 someday your fifteen minutes will be up, but first we have to get past three.

Thursday, May 13, 2010


The internet let me do it again!

This time I tell you how to translate fishing strategies into flirting strategies!

Sunday, May 9, 2010

M. Night Shamalyan of the Living dead or Heather has a film screening

Last night,  my first film Zombie Sweater had its public premeier as one of the top ten finalist in the Women's Stand Up and Shoot comedic film competition.

I was pretty excited.

When I got the program and began reading all the bios of the other finalists I began to think, "Wow, Minnesota is filled with a lot of established female filmmakers, I don't recgonize anyone's name." There are Sundance awards winners listed there, Script comepetiion winners and all sorts of awesome and me, who in my bio wrote "This is Heather's first film."

Then I saw the films. They were all amazing. I was so impressed, I wished anyone of them were mine.
I thought again, "Wow, I didn't realize that there is so much great female filmmaking talent in MInnesota, where did she find a palm tree and a beach?"

Then I learned that this was not a Minnesota only film contest, it was a national film contest. NATIONAL. As in other states and places where there are filmmakers entered. And my silly film about sweaters is in the top ten!

For real?


My first film was fun enough to be in the top ten? That make me feel awesome! I tell people when they see it that it is obvious it is my first film but I say, if it was a school project you know it would have gotten me an A+ right?


So even though I didn't take home any Oscars (gold or flesh, sorry Oscar.) I feel really great about being in the top ten, hey it's my first film! I was so pleased to be included in the amazingly talent group of women of last night. Again, the films were so good.

So good in fact, you will be able to see them all on I don't know if the films are up there yet, but they will be. Zombie Sweater! Right now!!!!!!

My mom would be so proud

I never buy new socks. Nor do I buy old socks. I have had the same socks since 2003 and 2005. The white ones are from 2003, I know this because they have paint stains on them from when I was a scenic painter at Stage, St. Louis.

Stages St. Louis, of course is

Where Musical Theatre Comes Alive!

My socks have paint on them from the set of the musical 1776 (For God's sake, John, sit down!) and Big! The Musical (Too creepy to quote) and La Cage Aux Folles (Obviously).

My black socks I purchased before going to Japan in the late summer of 2005. I bought them because that is what I thought all the cool Japanese kids would be wearing: black socks.

Cool Japanese Kids

But, enough of my sock anthropology. I never buy new socks. And I know why. My socks never die because I always pair them up after washing and drying them. My socks have partners and are never lonely. My socks are not strictly monogamous. I am not that good at pairing them up but they are in an open relationship with all of the other socks. But they are segregated by color. Should I be pairing up them up differently to be progressive? eek!

Back on track.

The reason why my socks live so long it that they are never lonely. They have love and companionship. Someone to hold and talk to. They laugh, they cry, my socks have each other.

So they live longer.

In fact, love makes my socks immortal.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Oscars for everyone

Get ready to see the finalist of the Women Stand Up and Shoot Comedic Film Competition!

Tonight 10pm at the the Bryant Lake Bowl, see the top ten films and clap wildly when the winners are announced!

My film ZOMBIE SWEATER is one of the finalist! Zombie Sweater was written and directed by me! With fabulous costumes by textile artist Stephanie Brown.

And Actors!!

They are great!

Here's a photo from one of our shoots!

Awesome, right?

To see more, come to the Bryant Lake Bowl tonight at 10pm!

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Juilliard has got class. I have no MFA.

Wow, in the contest of best "thanks, but no thanks" letters, Juilliard comes out on top.

They could grant MFAs to people who write letters like this. Or start a new segment in Juillard: Dance, Drama, Music and Rejection Letter writing. Masterful work like this.

I posted that rejection letter on the fridge, it makes me feel that good about myself. The letter is seamless in letting me know I have not been selected for a fellowship by gently cradling my creative ego as it drifts, not falls, back to the ground.

My self-worth is stroked as they mention my submitted play three times in the letter, each time in italics, like they think it is a real play.

They go on to say that this year was the largest pool of applicants yet and my play Residue (Oooh, ilatics) held its own among many terrific plays.

and quoting from the letter;

"Unfortunately, the constraints of a program designed to accommodate only four new writers each year require us to turn away many candidates, like you, whose emormous promise is never a question."

My enormous promise is never a question. I love you for rejecting me Juilliard.

And did you see by putting the words 'like you' in the middle of the sentence, made the whole thought more personal, as if they were writing to me and my soul.

The letter says they wish me luck in continuing to develop Residue (italics) and other plays in the future, (they think I have a future.)

They go on to let me know how much Tanya Barfield and her staff enjoyed reading Residue, (more italics). The letter finishes with thanking me for letting them consider my work. Thanking me for letting them, not simply thanking me for applying. The letter also wishes me the best of luck in my creative journey.

At the end of the letter, Tanya Barfield signed her name. I held the letter up to the light to perform some apartment light forensics on it, but it does look like an actual signature, not a photocopy, computer, robot,  spinning jenny, Pentium processor one. Pen to paper. Yeah, I am worth it.

That is how you say no, but make someone think that no is the best sounding yes in the world.

I bet Tanya Barfield has an MFA.

PS I know Juillard's program is a fellowship program not an MFA one, but for the sake of my comedy journey in this blog, I ignored that. And I don't have an MFA so how the hell should I know any better?

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Now I know you knew I knew something.

Now I can give all of you advice.

The most important advice in the world.

Flirting advice. Go here, read, learn.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Not Everything I Make is a Mess

I have a secret skill.

Wrapping wedding gifts!

Tiny disco balls! I know, right?

But really my skill is in recognizing that I am terrible at using actual wrapping paper so much that anything I wrap in paper looks like a bloated diaper on an old shuffling man. (Yes, he must be shuffling. He has to be shuffling because his diaper has been wrapped around him incorrectly and is three 'uses' past changing."

I have poor fine motor skills. My physical therapist mother says that I am low-toned. I don't know what that means, but I think it means I am good with the big crayons, not with fine pens.

And wedding presents are all about looking nice because they aren't opening them at the party. The presents  have to look good through the whole party. This isn't Christmas or a birthday party, there is no tearing into gifts.

And I have this thing that weddings are all about me trying to get as much attention for myself on someone else's big day. 

So what do I do?  Buy pretty boxes and glue stuff on them.

This creation was one of my best and easiest so far, except I forgot to take it to the reception so it is sitting in the trunk of my car. The trunk of my car is not a good location for something to try to maintain its stunning luster. Now it will turn out like a blind dolphin's craft project (Yes, a blind dolphin. A blind dolphin still has all the intelligence of a real dolphin but it can't see so it isn't good at crafts. And it has flippers. Flippers are not good for crafts.)

Stupid dolphin box.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Found and Published: Diary of A Driver's Ed Student

I found the journal I kept during my Driver's Ed class the summer of 1996 and have transcribed it here.

Let me set the stage:

Heather is 15 years-old. She wears her hair in a ponytail everyday. Everyday. She is shy, awkward and has bad acne. She has had very little driving experience. There are many farm kids in this Driver's Ed class who have been driving tractors since birth. There are also some of the cool kids, who Heather feels insecure around. 

Driver’s Ed was structured into three parts:
Classroom-where classroom learning happened, books, reading, stuff like that
Range-The fenced are with fake streets and cones behind the school. Range was like circuit training for driving with exercises spaced all around in which a student rotated what skill they were on. Some of the exercises were; Serpentine (forward and back), Parallel Parking, Three Point Turn, Offset Street, Right Back In Turn, Angle Parking
Behind the Wheel-Three students and a teacher hit the streets of Jamestown, ND in a car with a break both the driver’s and the passenger’s side. And the big yellow triangle ‘STUDENT DRIVER” sign on top.

Here we go! 

June 24, 1996

Driver’s Ed starts tomorrow. I am so nervous, I want to go but I do not want to be embarrassed. I wish I could just get my license and not go to Driver’s Ed. I wish I knew everything about driving so I can get an A.

June 25, 1996

Well after driving on the wrong side of the road and forgetting to turn my range car off, all went pretty well. My range car is so cool; it is a white Grand Prix with the handle on the side of the window. My group for range is pretty stupid but this girl Angie is really nice.

June 26, 1996
Today was worse. I ran my range car into the fence and dented the car. I am never going to pass Driver’s Ed and I will never get my license. Behind the Wheel was ok, but why did I have to hit the fence? Why? I am the worst driver in the world.

June 27, 1996
I hate Driver’s Ed. I suck, Range was fine except I backed out of the Angle Parking the wrong way and got in trouble. When we went Behind the Wheel, we were working on multi-lanes and changing lanes. I am good at changing but when I was turning on to the multi-lanes, I was turning left and Mr. Bertcsh kept saying ‘Inside lane, inside lane,” and I thought he meant on the LEFT side inside lane so I kind of went there and he grabbed the wheel. I was so embarrassed. I almost hit a car door I didn’t see and he grabbed the wheel again. Then when I turned I accidentally jumped lanes on the turn. I was happy because I thought I was in the correct lane but I wasn’t.
Before Range today a guy said, “Are you going to hit any fences today?’ That was so mean so I said, “No, maybe you will.” I hate driving. I just want my license. I am very afraid that if I do something wrong again they will not let me drive.

June 28, 1996

Well, Driver’s Ed wasn’t so bad today, probably because today we did not drive. I felt that everyone kept looking at me because I am such a bad driver. I hope someone else is worse than me and I improve, I hope.

July 1, 1996

Okay, Driver’s Ed is getting better, but I almost hit the fence again. When I almost hit the fence there were like four cards around so now everyone makes fun of me behind my back. Behind the Wheel was okay, Mr. Bertcsh was gone so we had Mrs. Nold.

July 2, 1996

Today Driver’s Ed was okay but I went to the Offset Street wrong and the Right Back In Turn wrong. I almost hit Natalie. Nathan said to Natalie, “Hurry up, you’re slow,” and she said, “No, I’m not. I am behind Heather. She is slow.” I felt like screaming, “Well, I’m sorry, Natalie if I am not a know-it-all driver and do not meet your driving standards!” I smashed two cones and Mrs. Sunderland had to move two more cones so I would not hit them. But I did do the Serpentine well. And in Behind the Wheel, my parallel parking was okay but I hit the curb and ran the car up on it. But the other than that it was okay. All Mr. Bertcsh does is talk to his little pet Natalie. I hate her, she is a suck-up.

July 3, 1996

Today wasn’t too bad I only smashed one cone but on the Serpentine, I kept hitting one. Otherwise it was OK. Behind the Wheel was all right but it was raining. When I got in the car I forgot the shift gears and tired to go with the car in park. I think someone scratched their car on the fence. I got a headache in Range. Three days left, good.

July 8, 1996

Driving sucks. Today we had a Defensive Driving course, talk about boring. Range was OK. I only nicked one cone. Corey had to run around the range because he was talking. It was funny. We were Interstate driving today and Mr. Bertcsh got mad at me and kept saying, “Maintain your speed.” I was trying to and then he said, “That was the third time you need to maintain your speed.” Then He told me to speed up and I was going 73mph. I said, “Well, now I am speeding.” Two days left.

July 9, 1996

Today wasn’t too bad. We tested in Range. I got an 87% I think it was the lowest grade. Oh well. We did the stupid team question thing and my team is stupid. I could not remember my information so no one knew the answer and Natalie was like, “Who’s information was that yours, didn’t you read?” I hate her. In Range we had to wait before we could leave each skill and Rick Stockton was at one of mine. He was trying to teach me to peel out. Then when I was done backing through the Serpentine he said, “You are the master backer.” He talked to me a few more times, he is kind of cute. Dave Gardner is kind of cute too. Behind the Wheel was ok. I parallel parked all by myself! Lots of tests tomorrow, that is okay!

July 10, 1996
I passed! My Behind the Wheel test I got a 96%. One point off for turning my wheels in parallel parking. One point off for looking only straight ahead and two points off for having bumpy stops. On the tests in classroom today, I got A's on them all. I got a B for the course…

July 12, 1996

I passed my Driving Test! I got a 96% on it. I was so nervous but I passed. I only had to parallel park behind one car. So easy. I have a license!

July 16, 1996

Guess what I heard yesterday at Volleyball Camp! Natalie failed her driving test. She told me that she ran a red light. I told her, “Oh, I got a 96%” That’ll show her!

July 18, 1996

Natalie failed her test again. She turned in front of a car. Ha! Ha!

August 26, 1996

School starts tomorrow; I hope no one says anything about Driver’s Ed. That is the only thing I am worried about. I hope no one remembers.

August 27, 1996

No one said anything but it is only the first day so someone might say something. I hope not.

August 31, 1996
No one has said anything. I hope everyone has forgotten.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Theatre History Lesson

"The devil is compromise."
                                   -Henrik Ibsen

Henrik Ibsen is my favorite playwright. His plays are filled with ideas of absolutes, all or nothing, duty versus happiness and universal truths.

Henrik Ibsen would have hated thong underwear. There is no commitment in a thong. It is not all or nothing, it says "I am sort of naked but I am not," it is  "I am being sexy but modest and gross at the same time," and 

"I don’t want my panty line to show but I want my cooch sheilded by wafer-thin fabric. This protects me, that shields me. But my ass is having a party.”

Sounds like a compromise, Ibsen would never wear such undergarments. 

I bet he didn't wear any.

Or twelve pairs at a time.