Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Once a spaz, always a spaz

As a spaz, I never disappoint. 
 Check out me spazzing out at my mom's birthday. You can't see it but there is a plastic turkey on that cake because I insisted my Aunt put the turkey on the cake. Nothing says Happy Birthday Mom like a tiny plastic turkey.

The spazzing doesn't stop when the candles get blown out!!!

Sunday, August 29, 2010

If you got here from my Tweet about Fellatio, you're going to be disappointed.

The Infamous Turkey Sandwich Story
-Because not all of you are lucky enough to see it performed. And this is only entertaining when it is performed (like fellatio) not so much when it is read (also like fellatio). So sucks to be you (is that also a fellatio joke?)

In 3rd grade the coolest thing to do was to hate school lunch. And in 3rd grade almost all of my class ate school lunch. So our lunchtime was filled with complaints about the food and nibbling at the side dishes. One day lunch was turkey sandwiches. Just turkey, hanging out inside a hamburger bun: turkey sandwich. The sandwich also came with a personal size packet to mayo, for your mayonais-ing pleasure.

The turkey sandwich was the most evil of all the lunches. Everyone hated the turkey sandwiches. It was as if turkey sandwich was the reason the Challenger blew up [out dated reference]. Turkey sandwich was the oppressor of the 3rd graders. My classmates hated turkey sandwich. Stupid turkey sandwich and its diabolical sidekick mayo. Mayo: don’t even get the 3rd graders of Lincoln elementary school started on the dastardly deeds of mayonnaise. Turkey sandwich and evil sidekick mayo.  Combined, those two were mastervillians in crime, terror and general awfulness.  The turkey sandwich deserves so much hate, because it knows what it did.

I love turkey sandwiches.  I love turkey sandwiches with mayo. Turkey sandwiches might be my reason for living. I love turkey sandwiches.

But I also love not being the target of my much cooler classmates’ rage.

But I couldn’t not eat turkey sandwich. Here was dilemma.  I remember it was like having two Heathers on my shoulder Cool Heather who says, “Everyone hates this turkey sandwich, and I shall not eat it and be a part of everyone.” And then Turkey Sandwich Heather who says, “These are delicious turkey sandwiches and even more divine if you crack open that personal-sized packet of mayo, Heather you cannot let this sandwich go to waste.”

“Heather!” Cool Heather says to Turkey Sandwich Heather, “You cannot eat this sandwich, you will be outcast, and they will know you are different. And how dare you even entertain the thought of releasing mayo in to this equation. Mayo will seal the deal of your complete uncoolness.”

“I can’t not do it.” Turkey Sandwich Heather says back to Cool Heather. “I have to eat this sandwich; it is too good, to delicious, too fleeting. I must eat”

“Nooo!” wailed my cooler side as it was shoved aside by my lust for turkey sandwich.

I reached for the sandwich. I knew it was risky, but the danger made this turkey sandwich all the better. I ripped open the mayo dispensed its fatty, whiteness upon my already very pale turkey sandwich. And I ate.

And it was awesome.

I tired to hide from my classmates, the fact I was eating the turkey sandwich, by hunching over my lunch tray, but there was no hiding such lust and passion.

I knew they were watching me. I knew it was coming One of them said, “Gross, Heather is eating it!” I was ready for this. “Yeah, I know, it’s only because I am hungry it is really gross.” I said taking more bites of the sandwich in my mouth. “It is so gross, so gross” I emphasis, putting more mayo on my sandwich, “Yeah, if I wasn’t so hungry, I wouldn’t have to eat this gross thing.”

My classmates could see right through my lie. They swiftly inched as far away from me as possible on a crowed lunch table and continued their rants on the evils of turkey sandwich and the evil that now lived in me after I indulged in such a devilish nosh, my classmates abandoned me leaving me in my own personal leper colony of turkey sandwich lovers.

I do not regret my love of turkey sandwich. I only regret not taking the uneaten sandwiches off my classmates' plates, because I was most horrified that so many delicious turkey sandwiches would go uneaten. Like music unplayed or a prayer unprayed.

I love you turkey sandwich. And now you are all this 3rd grader has. Turkey sandwich, will you play with me a recess?

It didn’t play with me at recess that day because it was a sandwich and I had eaten it.

Damn it. 

Free flavored things I was given this week.

The week of flavored things.

Flavor thing #1.

Butter flavored lip balm from the Star Tribune booth at the MN State Fair.

Flavor thing #2.

Mint flavored condom from Courtney McClean and The Dirty Curls' Grand Ole Orgy at the Bryant Lake Bowl.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

She bangs!!!

I am not going to blog about my haircut. But I totally am blogging about my haircut. I don't usually get haircuts. But I did today and I was pretty much given the haircut I have been trying my whole life to over come.

Hairdressers like to give my giant forehead bangs. I am sure they look fine but to me bangs just make me think of awkward growing-up-ness. I had the bangs that started on the center top of my head and came forward making a thick dense curtain just above my brow bone. It took me all of my seventh grade year to overcome those bangs until finally I got rid of them completely and have recovered from bangs vowed never to go back there again. I should have stopped her but I let Lushtastic cut away and away and ta-da, they are back.

Why is my arm doing that? Did I have an itch? That is my "I'd rather be riding Ginger" t-shirt. Look at those bangs!!!

And here is me 20 years ago with the same haircut:
And obviously the same sense of style. Bright colored t-shirts. And yes, my tongue still makes that weird shape.


What the hell is a yumberry?

Life tip #1: adding berry on the end of anything instantly makes it delicious and awesome. Example yogurt flavors, fruit juices and sports drink colors.

Look I prove it:

Weatherberries and Celestialberries:
Rainberry, windberry, snowberry, sleetberry, hailberry, sunberry, moonberry, starberry, Marsberry, cometberry, planetberry, nebulaeberry, thunderberry, fogberry, hazeberry, dawnberry, eveberry, nightberry, noonberry, orbitberry, stormberry, drizzleberry, sprinkleberry, iceberry, partlycloudyberry

Noodleberry, soupberry, breadberry, tonicwaterberry, tomatoberry, lettuceberry, burgerberry, pickleberry, potatoberry, stewberry, pieberry, cakeberry, brownieberry, cookieberry, eggberry, baconberry, toastberry, roastberry, porkberry, hamberry, spamberry, bolognaberry, pimentoloafberry, crackerberry, hummusberry

oneberry, twoberry, threeberry, fourberry, fiveberry, sixberry, firstberry, secondberry, TRIPLEberry, fourthberry, unoberry, millionberry, negativesevenberry, piberry, 4982berry, xequalsberry, solveforsberry, proofberry, triangleberry, sphereberry, hypotenuseberry, rightangleberry

murderberry, immigrationberry, rapeberry, gunfightberry, abortionberry, rustnailberry, brokenneedleinarmberry, nomoreherionberry, maritimelawberry, nuclearberry, arsonberry, suicideberry, posionberry, constipationberry, rabiddogberry, thekittenwasbornwithnofaceberry, barefootandpregnantinthekitchenberry.

Berry makes everything ok.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Hugs not Bugs.

I saw a giant bug in my kitchen on Monday night. It might have been a roach. I am a clean person. cleanish. 

It scurried out from underneath my fridge (no one cleans under there). I wasn't scared. I was startled. I am not scared of bugs. Snakes, very much so. The bug ran out and parked himself against the cabinet; it was trapped between me and the wall. Instead of killing the bug, I thought "this is why I have a cat!" I picked up my cat who was conveniently laying in the kitchen window sill and used my cat as a laser pointer and pointed at the bug.  Cooper would not look at the bug. I aimed him more at the bug, "See it!" I told my cat. Cooper flopped his head to the other side, annoyed at my grip on his ribcage and the lack of floor beneath is hovering paws. "Get it!" I commanded. And the bug retreated beneath the fridge. So much for the cat. I rationalized that Cooper would be a better predator if it was a mammal, then he could smell the hot blood. Do insects have hot blood? Is my cat a vampire? He spends a lot of time in the sun. And really likes BBQ potato chips, do vampires like BBQ potato chips? I think so.

So there was a bug. So I cleaned my already(sort of) clean floor and Googled how to get rid of bugs (roaches). Borax will do it! I love Borax! Borax will also hurt my cat. I also love my cat. At least, I think it's love he moved in with me in May, so I guess we are still in the honeymoon period. He always greets me at the door, once in a while he doesn't greet me at the door. Is that the beginning of the end?

Baking soda mixed with powdered sugar will kill the bugs! I felt so diabolical as I mixed one white powder with another. Then I threw the white powder all around my fridge, like a salt circle to ward off witches, or an isolated Frigidaire snow shower. Eat the powder bug! It's not a trap.

I think I might rearrange the powder in straight lines on mirror. Just so the bug thinks its illegal to eat and therefore more desirable. 

Friday, August 6, 2010

Totally Vanity Project Blog

Excitedly distracted by the Minnesota Fringe right now. Last night I saw two shows. Speech! and Rachel Teagle Believes in Ghosts. Now I can't stop looking at the fringe sight, planning my next attacks.
I only have a ten card punch. Every year, I toy with the idea of an Ulta Pass but with a recent brand new fuel pump, the filming of a TV show, screenwriting class and other engagements, I just wouldn't make it work.
Mainly, because if an Ultra pass found its way into my hands I would see a show in every slot since I am results oriented. So to control myself, time and get other things done. I did not get an Ultra pass (but I so want one).
I know tonight I am going to St. Christopher of Financial Aid (after my appearance at Week-long Naughty-billy Hoe-down Smutty Open mic, or what ever the dirty open mic Courtney McClean and the Dirty Curls are hosting this week at Storefront-in-a-Box) and on Sat, seeing The Anton Kissbougel Technique as well as Do Not Kill Me, Killer Robots.
The Uptown Art fair is also going on in my backyard so a million people will be everywhere there too.
And I am a finalist for the TCLimerick contest which is on Sunday, but I am also performing Improv at Impro-A-Go-Go at the same time, so I just need to clone myself by Sunday.
There are more shows I am seeing. 33 and 1/3 dates, I know is one. But I can't remember the others.
This might be a really boring blogpost, but whatever you read it until the end.