Juilliard has got class. I have no MFA.

Wow, in the contest of best "thanks, but no thanks" letters, Juilliard comes out on top.

They could grant MFAs to people who write letters like this. Or start a new segment in Juillard: Dance, Drama, Music and Rejection Letter writing. Masterful work like this.

I posted that rejection letter on the fridge, it makes me feel that good about myself. The letter is seamless in letting me know I have not been selected for a fellowship by gently cradling my creative ego as it drifts, not falls, back to the ground.

My self-worth is stroked as they mention my submitted play three times in the letter, each time in italics, like they think it is a real play.

They go on to say that this year was the largest pool of applicants yet and my play Residue (Oooh, ilatics) held its own among many terrific plays.

and quoting from the letter;

"Unfortunately, the constraints of a program designed to accommodate only four new writers each year require us to turn away many candidates, like you, whose emormous promise is never a question."

My enormous promise is never a question. I love you for rejecting me Juilliard.

And did you see by putting the words 'like you' in the middle of the sentence, made the whole thought more personal, as if they were writing to me and my soul.

The letter says they wish me luck in continuing to develop Residue (italics) and other plays in the future, (they think I have a future.)

They go on to let me know how much Tanya Barfield and her staff enjoyed reading Residue, (more italics). The letter finishes with thanking me for letting them consider my work. Thanking me for letting them, not simply thanking me for applying. The letter also wishes me the best of luck in my creative journey.

At the end of the letter, Tanya Barfield signed her name. I held the letter up to the light to perform some apartment light forensics on it, but it does look like an actual signature, not a photocopy, computer, robot,  spinning jenny, Pentium processor one. Pen to paper. Yeah, I am worth it.

That is how you say no, but make someone think that no is the best sounding yes in the world.


I bet Tanya Barfield has an MFA.




PS I know Juillard's program is a fellowship program not an MFA one, but for the sake of my comedy journey in this blog, I ignored that. And I don't have an MFA so how the hell should I know any better?