oracles

I saw a license plate that said: ASUWISH today. Is that an anti-Semitic thing? A misspelling of everyone's least favorite camp? That got buy the license place people? I would have questioned it and kicked them for asking for that to be placed on the front and the back of their blue minivan. Then I saw a different mini-van with plates that said, "HoHoHo" is that just all year long winter festivities or does that license plate know what I am for Halloween?

Ok, then

How do I not fit into my pants again? Why are the new pants falling off? I can't keep buying new pants. I don't like shopping. If my Wii was set up I could see how much weight I have lost, but UPS is holding my TV screws hostage. So, either my pants are just exhausted and exhaling or I keep dropping fats.  I don't hear it falling but, man, these pants are just dripping. And the belts aren't helping, they are just as loose, like those belly chains that were so popular in high school. I still have my belly chain, I thought they were cool, and obviously still do. I used to where it more as a double looped necklace, I remember I wore it in my first set of senior pictures. Belly chain. It was cute. And broken constantly. I am really writing this blog to alleviate my frustration with screwing up six thank you cards. Six! That is all the card I had. So now I am going to have to send and email. At least I won't have to use a pen. PS why is alleviated in the spellcheck and alleviate is not?

I should have been in Med School

Why is my hand writing that of a second graders? I am trying to write a thank you note. One simple three sentence thank you note and I have already had to start over three times. Three times! That is why I buy cards in bulk, I guess. Damn, my handwriting is specific. Maybe it is because I am using a Sharpie, the bunt tips aren't helpful, but they fill up the space well so I don't have to write more than three sentences. I am just trying to work it. Stupid cramped painful hand from handwriting. Grrrr....

Box full of letters

Wow, UPS and USPS! You guys really came through today! How about that! To poorly quote Jason Mraz, I guess you got my message. I was thinking you all forgot my address.  Good work delivery trucks. Keep up the good work.

pretty much

One-Eyed Articulate man, "Oh, does your grandson have physical challenges?" Man made of spheres, "No, he's actually quite advanced." Me, "He's a robot."

Entitled Hitchhiker.

Thursday morning 6:45am, 494 eastbound. There is a woman trying to hitchhike? I won't call her a hitchhiker, because she clearly did not know what she was doing. She was walking on the shoulder of the interstate, in the still dark dawn, against traffic (I don't know if that is correct of not) with her thumb out. She was visibly frustrated that no one was stopping. She did that tossing of the hands up in the air thing.  I didn't see her until I was passed her. The morning traffic is pretty tight and taking an unexpected drive off the shoulder would not have been well met. Nor would the attempt to merge back on once you have picked up said poor hike-hitcher. I assumed what happened is her car broke down. She is on her way to work so instead of calling work, or calling a friend or calling a tow truck, she decided to hitch a ride. But who hitch hicks on 494? No is really going a distance. I was only going one mile. What if she wanted to be dropped off, I would have had to pull over again. Inconvenient. For everyone.  The most interesting point was that she was less than 50 feet from an exit that would have taken her to a more real, safer road and to people. People at gas stations and Walgreen's where she could have used a phone, or a tow truck.

Have I not blogged about the merkins yet?

How could I have forgotten?

Well, the Minnesota Textile Center, http://www.textilecentermn.org/gallery.asp is hosting the "Intimate Apparel" exhibit until Oct 24. I ditched teh book fest to attend a few weeks ago and well worth the free admission.

For someone, me, who has interesting and amusing opinions about hair, pubic areas, stereotypes, feminism and art the exhibit was hilarious and disappointing.

Hilarious:
Bobby pin merkin-genius in concept and visual

There were others but I forgot them.

Disappointing:

The mutiple merkins that were re-interpretations of "fig leaf."

If I was curating that exhibit, I would have said, "You call yourself artists and all you can come up with is a fig leaf? Did you think to yourself, what would be the easiest, most obvious and uninspiring thing I could make? Because  that is what you made. Try to challenge yourself next time, the audience is bored."

I would have made them do it over.

 Sure they looked nice if they were in the Garden of Eden, but come on! An oppourtunity to make a merkin anyway you like?


I would make a merkin of clown noses.

Oh, the papparazzi!

Hey! Here is me at the Fringe Fest in August!



And then here I am at the IVEY awards in September!

My, how I've grown.

Why is Phillips holding out?

The Cuture of Doing Things=Three weeks of floor TV. I do a lot of things. I am a very busy girl. But really I still want my Royal Phillips TV assembled. It will be three weeks on Saturday and still the missing screws haven't arrived. The TV is huge on the floor. Yes, I am getting a lot of thing done with no TV to watch, but I want it to listen to! Where are these four screws? Part of me wants to pack it back up and send it back but I need to recruit a team of movers to lug it down the stairs and I don't know if it will fit in my car. Maybe I will drive to Georgia to get them. Phillips is getting a call on Friday if they aren't here.  Phillips TV, where are the screws? 5-7 business days is now almost 20! Grrrrr......

So olllllld

When did I get to be 800 years old? Why am I paralyzed? Why can't I dress myself without looking at weather.com? Is weather.com a drug? Am I addicted? I just want to be dressed for the weather? I don't like being cold. Why does weather.com only have a weekend or a ten-day forecast? What about five day or a traditional week. Or an hour by hour? I just need to know what to wear now, not what to wear in over a week. Ten days is how long vacations are (one work week and then two weekends, I suppose that is nine days, but you get it) This morning, I was almost late to work because I turned my computer off and couldn't decided on a fall jacket. Which one to wear??? So I had to re-boot my computer to ask weather.com what to do. I couldn't have just looked out the window? But weather.com is a numerical window, looking out the window doesn't tell me the numbers and my running pants are rated for zero to 39 degrees, so outside that range I can't wear them.  Weather.com, you've got me under your spell.

Monster Dash

$65 to run the Monster Dash? Really? $65? I run around the lake for free, I suppose I could wear a costume if I wanted to. And it doesn't start until 10:00am. Runs are supposed to happen at like 8am. I guess at 10:00 it will at least be warmer.  What is the $65 for, the orange cones? A fee to the city for blocking roads off? Trophies for best zombie?  I guess I could sleep in a little I guess.  I don't know now.  Scheduling.

Somethings don't count

Clicking on the dictionary.com word of the day does not mean I read it. I did not learn the meaning of the word fugearcuis (nor the spelling of it) by opening the email. I must read it. That is the rule. But I looked at it. No, you must read it. But I even scanned down the page.  No, that doesn't count

If I don't get to talk on the phone in the car I don't think you get to talk on the phone while you rollerblade at night with no helmet on. I'm just saying.

IPOD

IPOD, I love you! LIke gravy, frosting and ketchup (or in some cases mayo) you make things better! You make three miles of Lake Calhoun so much fun and fast!  Sure, thirty minutes of me listening to my head is pretty entertaining. But, wow, when I can hear the spice girls and jump over dog poop at the same time, that is bliss.  Even more entertainment when you bounce out of my ears and I play "pin the ear bud back in the lobe" while trying to keep my pace. Fun times. You think of everything IPOD.

Parrano Uniekaas Dutch Cheese

The Culture of Eating Things: Parrano Uniekaas Dutch Cheese. Three things: Pale, yet approachable Hearty and surprising Already ate half the wedge. But the real question: Is the rind for eating? Answer, still not sure but have peeled the wax off.

St. Paul Art Crawl '09

Sure I eschewed(not quite the right word) the Zombie Crawl for the Art Crawl but I still didn't avoid the weirdos. 'Nuff said. But the highlights of the night were... Almost illegal parking Stereotyping the punk bar The chocolate Lab that was terrified of the fifteen foot trailer spider in from of the downtown library. Artist Matthew Rucker: Everything he does is magic. His art was this years poster winner but all his work is so simple, concise and in out of this world. Genius. Plus his cat was well poised next to the art and good at people observations.  Seeing all the cool artist lofts. One day one will be mine. A cool one with huge window and high ceilings. The light painter guy that I forgot the name of that gave us a demonstration. Very cool. Perfecting the "Ah! food! sneak attack on the snack tables.  And the North Dakota photos, because I have to like them On the not so plus side: Lots of under-priced work(good for me, not for them) Missing artists when I am trying to buy their things Pretentious family members of artist that jump into your conversations But pretty good, we kind of lost it after five flights of stairs to see weird stuff. That was it. Actually we lost it in the lobby of what seemed to be the art of old folks, which is probably why there were no steps to get to that.

P.O.

Post Office, don't pretend you are on Lake Street when you are clearly on 31st. Of all government offices to fake their address, you should be ashamed. Set an example Post Office, think of the children.

FACE FOR RADIO

The first step to celebrity-dom. Today MPR, next the world.

At least they didn't air the story about how I met this play. But they did keep asking me to retell and retell the story.

The Culture of Eating Things: Burger Jones

Burger Jones, are you going to make it? Your Nutella milkshakes was great! And the S'more milkshake was delightful too, with whole marshmallows! But is that enough? The Hangover Burger was good, I love fried eggs in anything. And egg yolk spilling over a burger is an awesome condiment. The hot sauce seemed to be there for looks. Instead of putting in over the egg, it would be more effective taste-wise directly over the burger. The bun soaks up the hot sauce making the bottom of the top bun looking like a used feminine product. I did not eat this part of the bun. I can't comment on the bacon I didn't eat it, I only wanted it because it is best friend with the fried egg.  Burgers are good. Is that enough? The Tri-tasting fry tower. Great, really great. I kept eating the parmesan waffle fries well past my stomach fill level. And I always like choosing fancy dipping sauces. The sweet potato fries were good too. But the regular old potato fries were the best! Soft and crunchy, neither salty or bland. I wish I had dived into those first before my belt expanded to it's next belt hole. But the bottomless bowl of homemade pickles. That is where it is at. If this restaurant was called Pickle Jones, it would last for ever. Spicy and sweet with a bite and a melty-ness. Those were the best pickles I have ever eaten. And show me a pickle I haven't gotten my mouth around.  But it is called Burger Jones. And what I question is the atmosphere. A little school cafeteria-like. A brand new cafeteria in a middle school but still cafeteria like. There is few booths and they are low so there isn't a lot of privacy. And when I am shoving a burger into my face I don't want to be distracted by the attractive man sitting behind my mom eating cheese curds alone while reading a book. I could not focus. And how hot is me and my yolk explosion burger and handfuls of parmesan waffle fries? A woman wants to eat giant messy burgers with a little privacy, I cannot worry about being kittenish when I am lioness with a kill.  And Burger Jones I have seen your illustration. I have seen you in your geek glasses. Do your geek glasses have staying power? And it bothers me that you hold that giant double patty burger like a serving plate, would that bottom bun really be stable enough to hold that way? Or do you have a plate under there? And what about that nine foot profile photo of you eating a burger that a diner can't help but stare at since the visibility of the cafeteria landscape is a million miles, if I am not staring at another tables handfuls of fries I am staring and you with your geek glasses and electric cheeseburger.  Burger Jones prove my intuition wrong and have many anniversaries in your open unprotected mess hall. Maybe dimming the lights would work. Or a privacy screen could come out with each burger. But Burger Jones, with your trendy geek glasses, I wonder how will you adapt when everyone starts wearing contacts? Or gets Lasik? Or wears aviators? Or rhinestone cat-eye glasses? Or when EVERYONE wears geek glasses and then you are just a normal guy impossibly holding a giant burger, instead of a hip, cool one? Oh, Burger Jones, what will you do? You can't just get people excited over adult milkshakes forever, some of us are lactose-intolerant.