Popularity Index

I periodically Google myself to see how my goal of becoming the top Heather Meyer search is going. Stilling finding myself in a room of other me s. I searched my name and Zombie Sweater.






I found my film on these websites:

http://www.frequency.com/video/zombie-sweater/96321

http://www.nailseacourt.com/index.php?key=heather+meyer

http://videos.wittysparks.com/id/1985673868

http://trendingtopicsblog.com/entertainment/zombie-sweater/

I have no idea what these websites are, but they seem to be something that happens to famous people. 

I am well on my way. 

I think this is the first short story I've written since high school.

I think this is a short story. I don't remember, I haven't been in high school English class in a while. 

Lather, Rinse, Umbrella Drinks.

By

Heather Meyer

            He turns to me and asks,” Have you seen this one Family Guy…”

            “I hate it when you start sentences like that.” I interrupt. No, I wasn’t supposed to fall for an improv actor. Especially not an improv actor on a cruise ship. 

            I had seen him perform. The show was fun because jokes about seasickness and buffets are always topical; at least they were topical on a cruise. Later, he was teaching an intro to improv class in the Stardream Lounge.

             To the class, I deliberately wore a bright sundress to distract from the minefield of inflamed acne that had erupted on my back. He was friendly, funny and fleshy. He had an unparalleled smile, meaning his teeth were not parallel, that they were a bit askew. As the class finished and the ships’ elders dispersed, he said to me, “You look young and fun.”             “And you are husky and observant,” I answer back baiting him with a smile. He returned the grin with his lips stretching around his two rows of linearly challenged teeth.

             In lounge chairs on the Lido deck, we exchanged the predictable autobiographical details. Then we found ourselves, correction, found myself whipping out my ship card to purchase two rum concoctions in bright pink cups festooned with umbrellas and pineapples. My bacne was starting to itch from the sun, but I refused to scratch it to avoid an incident with pus and blood so soon in a date.

            One fruit-lined rum drink lead to another and then to five, now that I was ambitious, I leaned forward to kiss him but ended up grazing his cheek in a drive-by snogging.  “Follow me,” he said so clichéd-ly with a wink that almost distracted me from his rickety pirate teeth. He walked toward the elevators. “Not in the elevators!” I whisper in a sudden display of conservatism. “We’ll take the stairs,” he answered again with that wink that I was starting to think might be a facial tick.

            In the movies, we would have slid laughingly down the banisters together. In reality, my fruity rum buzz and lust for mediocre comedy were waning with every series of endless stairs. So many staircases, I regretted my prudishness towards the elevators, at least then the zits on my back wouldn’t have been flaring up from the sweat. We finally reached the last stair, the last stair on the ship; there was no further down we could go.  I felt like I was on the bottom of the ocean, and yet I was still somehow on a cruise ship. We had reached his cabin. Yes, cabins on cruise ships are small, but this was a water closet. There were four beds, two on the floor, two lofted and eight inches separating them.

            “Are we at camp?” I ask.           

            “If by camp you mean Poseidon’s sex dungeon,” He improvises so wittily. Then, his distorted dentals were at me. Soon my lips grew tired of dodging Stonehenge and since I was already on the bed and my sundress was on floor we move toward deeper waters. He explored my coastline and I discovered his mast was just as crooked as his smile.

            Afterwards and after-glowing he rubs his hand on my back as if to read the Braille that was my bacne asked what my sign was. It was such a retro question, I wondered if the tidal pool betwixt my legs had become a time warp. I looked over at him and he just smiled his imprecise, boulder toothed smile and replied, “Have you seen this one Family Guy…?”

Who's on the table? The Cast of Condiments.

Salt and Pepper: Super gay

Sugar: Girl next door

Sweet and Lo: Slut!

Equal: Lesbian

Ketchup: It's not a party with out Ketchup!

Splenda: Porn Star hot, created in a lab or on an operating table. Incredibly attractive. Hates

A-1: Super man (not like the hero, just really manly)

Tabasco: depressed, like that blue mule from Winne-the-Pooh

Mustard: Who invited Mustard? He never showers.

Coffee Creamers: That annoying clique of unattractive yet really made-up girls

Even more validation Day 23 and Day 24

Yes! My pic from yesterday is a highlight. Looks like I am on the awesomeness radar now!

I took this photo yesterday while waiting for a table at Carson's in Chicago. I was tired and lazy from huge airport delay at MPS that morning then a sprint from back of cab to instant onstage comedy.

It's a cool ceiling light. I wanted to see if each of the light arms bent any which way but I was on the floor and it was on the ceiling.

This is the creativity for today:

Art. 

VALIDATION!!!!!

After faithfully creating something everyday and writing yesterday's long photo/blog post detailing my highlight reel ambitions....today on the 22nd day, I have become a highlight!!! Dreams really do come true.

My creation from yesterday made it on the highlights for June 21st!

I was here. Uptown Cafeteria and Support Group and it is as cool as it seems but there is a patio and $5 martinis (that are more like lemonade in a triangle glass). I ordered a Monte Cristo, to which the waitress said, "That's a bold choice," forcing me to up the ante (reminiscent of this not the crush part, the underestimation of me by waitstaff)  and order fries along with it. Bring on the fried-ness. My heart attack will be worth it.


I am taking full credit for this creation even through other people were there. (And I spent much of my time eavesdropping on the blind date behind me) Steph tried to put a ray gun (fried bit of Monte Cristo) on one of the guys but it fell off. Alex helped too somehow but I don't remember how. Mary moved one of the guys into place, so I guess she was like a choreographer. Michaela did stuff too but I mainly remember myself bossing her around to move the silverware out of the photo.

Here is what I made today.

(It's sideways, just move your computer, dummy)

Really pushing at the highlight reel again. Once is never enough, obviously (Naomi's been up there at least three times!)


There were a lot of links in this blog post. Good work at stating the obvious, Heather.

And a lot of name-dropping happened here, that is if my friends were famous.
(But Sven Sundgaard was there wearing a bright orange workout jersey and being all short and pseudo-famous.)

Days 21-11 of 30 Days of Creativity! And my obsession about the highlight reel.

Here's what's been up:    This was yesterday's (day 20) creation.

I was in Chicago and this looks all types of artsy/photography-y. But my real creativity was un-photographable ability to eat a fig in a blanket. Yes, fig not pig.

Moving along backwards: Day 19

We tried to put the cat in a tu-tu but he was much to masculine

Day 18: Silly Putty

I was lazy but thought Silly Putty would appeal to the geeks and get my stuff of the 30 Days of Creativity Highlight Slideshow

Day 17:

Easy way out.

Day 16: 

Origami Jumping Frog! Out of someone's business card, sorry Metro Sound and Lighting

Day 15: 

I saved a pigeon. Don't worry there will be a blog about it later. Took it to rehab.

Day 14:

TV sitcom pitch: Short Attention Dan and Manta Ray O'Conner. He's little and affectionate, she's a supreme court fish.

Day 13:

Beans and plastic fish (Why was this not on the highlight reel? Combining foods and non-foods is always spectacular!)

Day 12: 

Totally lazy and sick of not being on the highlight reel, I take the easy and pretentious route.

It is the shadow of a bowl on my table. 

Day 11:

Again, really lazy and busy, I tried to make something smart enough to be on the highlight reel. 

Purity Rings, Class Rings, Engagement Rings, Wedding Rings...now Single Rings?

Here's I what I have to say about that.