Paper Bag Monster!

So unassuming brown paper bag, beneath your crinkly,
dry, flammable form stews a commanding evil force.
Beware the wrath of the monster of paper bag! Or at
least carry your lunch inside!

Inbox Delight: Unsolicited Pork Shoulder

Bigger Copulation Organ in Two Weeks.

That is what spammer Georgette Kerns is offering me. I will have to turn down her offer but I am impressed with the use of a book of synonyms, often including related and contrasting words and antonyms to entice consumers. I guess she's trying to reach a higher, less crude class of under-representative copulation organs. 

Two weeks, huh? Sounds like a deal.

Tryin' to be Learned

After five years of saying I was going to apply to
graduate school, I finally did. I even made it to the
interview round at the more prestigious of the three
schools I applied to. And was swiftly sent a rejection
letter. I think I might have been discredited when I
referred to myself as 'artsy fartsy' in the interview
or when I reference a 'triforce' of power in my
discussion of a certain play.

I got a rejection letter from my 'safety school' too.
I guess I am just too awesome.

Rick Reilly, it is all your fault.

Rick Reilly, you are the reason I have not been blogging. You are the reason my home is a mess and the cause of my debilitating case of procrastination. And you know what? I don't even subscribe to Sports Illustrated. It's your book. No, I can't sneeze fifteen minutes away each week on your column, I have the whole book, 100 columns, 100 reasons to not do stuff. And such easy chunks. How many times have I said to myself this week, "Oh, I'll just read one." One turns into two which turns in to reading fifteen columns and I am laughing, crying and contemplating my way to presidency of  ProcrastiNation. 

I haven't picked up my tennis balls in months but it's not serendipity that I am reading your book. I used to read your column, like a real sports fan once a week from a subscription in my high school years. Then you had become my favorite columnist and I had easily packed you away as I ventured on my artistic career. But now you are back in my life, all 318 pages of you. 

I am supposed to be the opposite of an athlete. I am an artist, for Pete's sake, even better an actor. I am not supposed to be interested in the lives of professional golfers, high school football teams or even figure skating. 

Rick, let me tell you. Tomorrow is the opening night of my directing and playwriting debut and this past week I have laundry list of details to complete including finding appropriate "I am a director" clothes that say well-dressed and artsy at the same time. But this has be usurped by lounging on the couch soaking up columns from six years ago about you coaching girls basketball. Six years ago! 

And let me tell you, if you think coaching is hard. Direct a play. There I am the coach, but I can only coach them in practice and come the big game is it all up to the players. I don't get to call 'time' when things suck to say, "We're dying out there, quick I wrote this new dialogue, get in there and emote!" No substitutions and if any pulls a hammy, they better not let the audience figure it out. Man, I broke my ACL in a show once and did I get to be on the DL?  And there is no score board. I can't strategize how many points we need to get the lead back. The audience doesn't hold up score cards letting me know how the show is going. We are just supposed to know. 

Yeah, Rick Reilly, everything is all your fault. 

The Monster Electric

Another monster!! He is pretty spunky, pushing the envelope on the transformer box and all. I hope he doesn't lick the electricity with a tongue like that. 

Happy Fiberuary!

Fiberuary: Its history and lore

One late January day in 2006, a spirited female returned to a land of cold, grey ice after a brief visit to the lush green friendliness of the Caribbean islands. Feeling, blocked by all the frozen peoples, a calm settled upon her as she realized what the people needed was a cause for celebration, a gentle push in the direction of freedom, a cleansing, a reason to get up and make a movement, thus Fiberuary, the celebration of large intakes of fiber was born!

Celebrate!!

In honor my my newly minted month-long holiday, I will be consuming at least if not more of the daily recommended allowance of fiber everyday! Yesterday, on the first official day of Fiberuary I hit 105% of my fiber intake.

This was yesterday's intake

Two FiberOne bars- 9 gm each 

Two Servings of Quaker Oat Simple Harvest Hot cereal 4 gm each

A bunch of raw red peppers

Assorted other less than awesome food items contributing to a minimal intake of fiber.

Don't worry I will not keep posting my fiber numbers everyday (unless of course that is what the blogosphere wants!)

Today I am already at 35% of my daily recommended allowance and it is not even noon! And there are some black beans in my future.

Happy Fiberuary everyone!

Toe Mollusk: Potential Gross-out Alert

My toenail has cracked at the bottom. It is like when you tear or crack a chunk off off your finger nail. It is ugly, ragged but doesn't hurt a ton. Same with the toenail crack. It is unusual because toenails, or at least my toenails, seem to be very thick so for it to crack would take a lot of force. And the crack is not on the outer edge which comes in contact with the largest variety of circumstances. 

I know how this came to be. Remember November? Who doesn't? Santa Claus but he was busy. Anyway, I wore shoes that were constricting for four weeks and developed bruises underneath my large toenails on both feet on the outside edges of the nails. The bruises were cool in the way that watching surgery is cool. They didn't hurt so I figured it wasn't a problem. Well, before I left on my cruise I painted my toenails to so unsuspecting strangers would not be intrigued by my bruised nails and wonder what kind of pedicures I got. 

All was well and good with my disguised feet until I went snorkeling (which is a whole blog on its own) I think the flippers ran across my feet at the luckiest angle and with the swimming and the fluttering I cracked the bottom of my toenails. At least the cracks match about  a quarter of an inch in from both sides are little cracks. I had no problem with the cracks until in my own arcaic) toenail clipping (I just ripped them off my hand), I pulled the whole side of the toenail up. I didn't pull it all off completely but it is extremely tempting. I have a toenail doorway right now. I like to look under it. When I was on the cruise sand would get under the toenail. I hope that in time my toenail would turn just one lucky grain of sand into a pearl. Pedi-pearls.