More Roots with Eyes

I think they might be planning something

Accidents

So yesterday I ended up naming a holiday Rollergirl team, here are their names:

Mrs. Claws

Holi-dazed

Silver Hells and her twin sister Jingle Hells

Missle Toe

Christmas Carol?

Carrots with Eyes!

I got invited to the Monster Ball and had not a thing to wear

I have been to only a few concerts. What I consider concerts are events with people/groups/bands/dancelines that I have heard of before said concert, because I know nothing about musics. I'm sure I've seen other stuff too, right? I don't know, but I am talking about stand-in-a-big-line-with-a-printed-ticket-stuff.

Concerts I have been to:

1999 Goo-Goo Dolls-I was in college and we wore black vynl jackets because that was cool. However, since everyone was hyper vigilante about people in matching jackets since the Columbine Shooting, you can figure it out.

2000 Weird Al Yankovic-Met a boyfriend there. Al wore a lot of costumes.

2007 Rob Zombie and Ozzy Osborne-It was on Halloween and I went dressed as Daphne from Scooby Doo, accompanied by a friend dressed as Velma. We were not threatening enough to be at that concert. At least we got to eat bacon wrapped things in a private box thing. Rob Zombie had a lot of fire. Ozzie had a foam shooting gun and almost fell down and a crew member ran out to catch him.

2008 They Might be Giants-That was at First Avenue, that means I am hip in Minneapolis

2010 Lady Gaga-That was a show. Naomi and I were so fashiony, read more by clicking this link! I went dressed like this:

Yeah, does that eyeball necklace look familiar? You're right!  Go here! And that is shiny duck tape, good eye! Who is that guy back there?

There's Naomi! Where are her pants!!!!

I don't know.

Dinosaur eyes!

Obligatory concert shots from the inside!!!!!!!!!!

There's the opening band Semi Precious Weapons. Which I want to call Fully Precious Puss-n-Boots Frankenstein.

Best Quotes from Naomi of the night:

"I feel like I need more shit in my hair."

and "Shut up! This is the plot!" as Gaga and her dancers were acting out the story line.

Pretty awesome.

Once a spaz, always a spaz

As a spaz, I never disappoint. 

 Check out me spazzing out at my mom's birthday. You can't see it but there is a plastic turkey on that cake because I insisted my Aunt put the turkey on the cake. Nothing says Happy Birthday Mom like a tiny plastic turkey.

The spazzing doesn't stop when the candles get blown out!!!

If you got here from my Tweet about Fellatio, you're going to be disappointed.

The Infamous Turkey Sandwich Story

-Because not all of you are lucky enough to see it performed. And this is only entertaining when it is performed (like fellatio) not so much when it is read (also like fellatio). So sucks to be you (is that also a fellatio joke?)

In 3^rd grade the coolest thing to do was to hate school lunch. And in 3^rd grade almost all of my class ate school lunch. So our lunchtime was filled with complaints about the food and nibbling at the side dishes. One day lunch was turkey sandwiches. Just turkey, hanging out inside a hamburger bun: turkey sandwich. The sandwich also came with a personal size packet to mayo, for your mayonais-ing pleasure.

The turkey sandwich was the most evil of all the lunches. Everyone hated the turkey sandwiches. It was as if turkey sandwich was the reason the Challenger blew up [out dated reference]. Turkey sandwich was the oppressor of the 3^rd graders. My classmates hated turkey sandwich. Stupid turkey sandwich and its diabolical sidekick mayo. Mayo: don’t even get the 3^rd graders of Lincoln elementary school started on the dastardly deeds of mayonnaise. Turkey sandwich and evil sidekick mayo.  Combined, those two were mastervillians in crime, terror and general awfulness.  The turkey sandwich deserves so much hate, because it knows what it did.

I love turkey sandwiches.  I love turkey sandwiches with mayo. Turkey sandwiches might be my reason for living. I love turkey sandwiches.

But I also love not being the target of my much cooler classmates’ rage.

But I couldn’t not eat turkey sandwich. Here was dilemma.  I remember it was like having two Heathers on my shoulder Cool Heather who says, “Everyone hates this turkey sandwich, and I shall not eat it and be a part of everyone.” And then Turkey Sandwich Heather who says, “These are delicious turkey sandwiches and even more divine if you crack open that personal-sized packet of mayo, Heather you cannot let this sandwich go to waste.”

“Heather!” Cool Heather says to Turkey Sandwich Heather, “You cannot eat this sandwich, you will be outcast, and they will know you are different. And how dare you even entertain the thought of releasing mayo in to this equation. Mayo will seal the deal of your complete uncoolness.”

“I can’t not do it.” Turkey Sandwich Heather says back to Cool Heather. “I have to eat this sandwich; it is too good, to delicious, too fleeting. I must eat”

“Nooo!” wailed my cooler side as it was shoved aside by my lust for turkey sandwich.

I reached for the sandwich. I knew it was risky, but the danger made this turkey sandwich all the better. I ripped open the mayo dispensed its fatty, whiteness upon my already very pale turkey sandwich. And I ate.

And it was awesome.

I tired to hide from my classmates, the fact I was eating the turkey sandwich, by hunching over my lunch tray, but there was no hiding such lust and passion.

I knew they were watching me. I knew it was coming One of them said, “Gross, Heather is eating it!” I was ready for this. “Yeah, I know, it’s only because I am hungry it is really gross.” I said taking more bites of the sandwich in my mouth. “It is so gross, so gross” I emphasis, putting more mayo on my sandwich, “Yeah, if I wasn’t so hungry, I wouldn’t have to eat this gross thing.”

My classmates could see right through my lie. They swiftly inched as far away from me as possible on a crowed lunch table and continued their rants on the evils of turkey sandwich and the evil that now lived in me after I indulged in such a devilish nosh, my classmates abandoned me leaving me in my own personal leper colony of turkey sandwich lovers.

I do not regret my love of turkey sandwich. I only regret not taking the uneaten sandwiches off my classmates' plates, because I was most horrified that so many delicious turkey sandwiches would go uneaten. Like music unplayed or a prayer unprayed.

I love you turkey sandwich. And now you are all this 3^rd grader has. Turkey sandwich, will you play with me a recess?

It didn’t play with me at recess that day because it was a sandwich and I had eaten it.

Damn it.