How to write a play

These are mermaids not Merblades, 
there is a difference but you'll 
have to see the show to know.

Welcome back! How about that? 


So I am in the MN Fringe Festival again and I am super excited. The show I am creating is called Merblades: Memoirs of a James Cameron. And it is just as awesome as it sounds. 


But I am not here to plug my fringe show just yet (but I will soon). 


I am here to tell you how to write the first draft of a play. This is the method I used last night to kick out the first draft of Merblades. 


1. Have a mild dairy intolerance. 


2. Buy two quarts of Breyer's Ice Cream (Oreo and Reese's Peanut butter cup)


3. Put lots of ice cream in a bowl. Eat it.


4. Start writing your play. Keep eating and writing. Let the fear of stomach revenge at every bite race the words across the screen. The more you write the less your stomach will kill you. (not a medical fact)


5. Eat until 2/3 of a quart of ice cream (collectively from both quarts)


6. Congratulations! You have the first draft of your play! 


You are welcome. 

Quiz!!! Just like a women's magazine!

I recently attended one of Lizz Winstead's Political Satire Writing workshops. Here's the magic that came out of it. I co-wrote it with three other women that I only remember one of. Her name was Jessica. 

Find Out if You Were Raped? A Quiz. 

Piece #2 MN writers workshop.

20 




MAR 2011

PUBLISHED IN 

• Steaming News Pile

Under the “No Federal Taxpayer Dollars For Abortion Bill” House Republicans suggested narrowing the exception for federal subsidies for abortions to include only those instances where a woman was “forcibly” raped. If this became law, Women’s Magazines will have to help women figure out who's really at fault for the rape (because if it wasn't forcible rape, it's consensual rape, am I right ridiculous law-makers?)* with this quiz.

*Clearly I am a woman that should take her shoes off and get back in the kitchen.

I’VE BEEN RAPED! DID I CONSENT?
Take this quiz!

1. MY RAPIST WAS:

a. A stranger
b. A relative or authority figure or lesser known professional athlete
c. Someone I didn’t know was going to rape me

2. DURING YOUR ATTACK YOU SAW:

a. A visible weapon
b. A penis
c. A promise of Internet stardom

3. YOUR ATTACK OCCURRED:

a. In a dark alley in/or a war zone
b. At Home
c. Somewhere you didn’t want it to

4. THE EVENTS SURROUNDING YOUR ATTACK YOU WERE:

a. Walking down the street
b. Walking down the street alone
c. Walking down the street wearing something rapey

5. JUST PRIOR TO YOUR ATTACK YOU WERE:

a. Sober but thinking about a drink
b. Tipsy
c. I stopped counting after 12

6. YOUR SEXUAL HISTORY:

a. I was a virgin
b. I had only been with my husband
c. I stopped counting after 12

7. WHO DID YOU REPORT YOUR ATTACK TO?

a. No one
b. The police
c. I posted it on Facebook

8. WERE YOU ASKING FOR IT?

a. Never
b. I’m not sure
c. I have a vagina don’t I?

YOUR RESULTS:

Mostly A’s – You’re still a dirty whore

Mostly B’s- You liked it a little, didn’t you?

Mostly C’s- Good luck, Mommy!

I really like Norm MacDonald.

I really like Norm MacDonald.


I know, most people don't even know what that means. Those people are stupid and younger than me.

He's my favorite Weekend Update Anchor. Frank Stallone.

My favorite Norm MacDonald movie moment is from Billy Madison, when Norm says, "I'll go put some beer in a bucket."

My brother, Brian has a super weird sense of humor. It's weird but funny. Norm is weird and funny. Brian and Norm have the same sense of humor and the exact same delivery of such so called funny verbalizations.

And you know what happened?

I think Norm MacDonald and my brother are the same person. Look.

  

Who is who?  Let me try again.

    

Pretty good this time.  If Brian smiled for pictures he'd look like Norm. I look like my brother. 

See:

      

Cheekbones people, cheekbones. 

Man, I should have adopted that stray cat, instead of picking in up rubbing it all over myself then going inside to eat pizza and watch YouTube videos with actors.  Then I could have worn it on my head and looked even more like Norm MacDonald. 

Maybe I think I am Norm MacDonald.

Frank Stallone.

Accidents

So yesterday I ended up naming a holiday Rollergirl team, here are their names:

Mrs. Claws

Holi-dazed

Silver Hells and her twin sister Jingle Hells

Missle Toe

Christmas Carol?

If you got here from my Tweet about Fellatio, you're going to be disappointed.

The Infamous Turkey Sandwich Story

-Because not all of you are lucky enough to see it performed. And this is only entertaining when it is performed (like fellatio) not so much when it is read (also like fellatio). So sucks to be you (is that also a fellatio joke?)

In 3^rd grade the coolest thing to do was to hate school lunch. And in 3^rd grade almost all of my class ate school lunch. So our lunchtime was filled with complaints about the food and nibbling at the side dishes. One day lunch was turkey sandwiches. Just turkey, hanging out inside a hamburger bun: turkey sandwich. The sandwich also came with a personal size packet to mayo, for your mayonais-ing pleasure.

The turkey sandwich was the most evil of all the lunches. Everyone hated the turkey sandwiches. It was as if turkey sandwich was the reason the Challenger blew up [out dated reference]. Turkey sandwich was the oppressor of the 3^rd graders. My classmates hated turkey sandwich. Stupid turkey sandwich and its diabolical sidekick mayo. Mayo: don’t even get the 3^rd graders of Lincoln elementary school started on the dastardly deeds of mayonnaise. Turkey sandwich and evil sidekick mayo.  Combined, those two were mastervillians in crime, terror and general awfulness.  The turkey sandwich deserves so much hate, because it knows what it did.

I love turkey sandwiches.  I love turkey sandwiches with mayo. Turkey sandwiches might be my reason for living. I love turkey sandwiches.

But I also love not being the target of my much cooler classmates’ rage.

But I couldn’t not eat turkey sandwich. Here was dilemma.  I remember it was like having two Heathers on my shoulder Cool Heather who says, “Everyone hates this turkey sandwich, and I shall not eat it and be a part of everyone.” And then Turkey Sandwich Heather who says, “These are delicious turkey sandwiches and even more divine if you crack open that personal-sized packet of mayo, Heather you cannot let this sandwich go to waste.”

“Heather!” Cool Heather says to Turkey Sandwich Heather, “You cannot eat this sandwich, you will be outcast, and they will know you are different. And how dare you even entertain the thought of releasing mayo in to this equation. Mayo will seal the deal of your complete uncoolness.”

“I can’t not do it.” Turkey Sandwich Heather says back to Cool Heather. “I have to eat this sandwich; it is too good, to delicious, too fleeting. I must eat”

“Nooo!” wailed my cooler side as it was shoved aside by my lust for turkey sandwich.

I reached for the sandwich. I knew it was risky, but the danger made this turkey sandwich all the better. I ripped open the mayo dispensed its fatty, whiteness upon my already very pale turkey sandwich. And I ate.

And it was awesome.

I tired to hide from my classmates, the fact I was eating the turkey sandwich, by hunching over my lunch tray, but there was no hiding such lust and passion.

I knew they were watching me. I knew it was coming One of them said, “Gross, Heather is eating it!” I was ready for this. “Yeah, I know, it’s only because I am hungry it is really gross.” I said taking more bites of the sandwich in my mouth. “It is so gross, so gross” I emphasis, putting more mayo on my sandwich, “Yeah, if I wasn’t so hungry, I wouldn’t have to eat this gross thing.”

My classmates could see right through my lie. They swiftly inched as far away from me as possible on a crowed lunch table and continued their rants on the evils of turkey sandwich and the evil that now lived in me after I indulged in such a devilish nosh, my classmates abandoned me leaving me in my own personal leper colony of turkey sandwich lovers.

I do not regret my love of turkey sandwich. I only regret not taking the uneaten sandwiches off my classmates' plates, because I was most horrified that so many delicious turkey sandwiches would go uneaten. Like music unplayed or a prayer unprayed.

I love you turkey sandwich. And now you are all this 3^rd grader has. Turkey sandwich, will you play with me a recess?

It didn’t play with me at recess that day because it was a sandwich and I had eaten it.

Damn it. 

What the hell is a yumberry?

Life tip #1: adding berry on the end of anything instantly makes it delicious and awesome. Example yogurt flavors, fruit juices and sports drink colors.

Look I prove it:


Weatherberries and Celestialberries:
Rainberry, windberry, snowberry, sleetberry, hailberry, sunberry, moonberry, starberry, Marsberry, cometberry, planetberry, nebulaeberry, thunderberry, fogberry, hazeberry, dawnberry, eveberry, nightberry, noonberry, orbitberry, stormberry, drizzleberry, sprinkleberry, iceberry, partlycloudyberry

Eatberries:
Noodleberry, soupberry, breadberry, tonicwaterberry, tomatoberry, lettuceberry, burgerberry, pickleberry, potatoberry, stewberry, pieberry, cakeberry, brownieberry, cookieberry, eggberry, baconberry, toastberry, roastberry, porkberry, hamberry, spamberry, bolognaberry, pimentoloafberry, crackerberry, hummusberry

Numberberries:
oneberry, twoberry, threeberry, fourberry, fiveberry, sixberry, firstberry, secondberry, TRIPLEberry, fourthberry, unoberry, millionberry, negativesevenberry, piberry, 4982berry, xequalsberry, solveforsberry, proofberry, triangleberry, sphereberry, hypotenuseberry, rightangleberry

Envelopeberries:
murderberry, immigrationberry, rapeberry, gunfightberry, abortionberry, rustnailberry, brokenneedleinarmberry, nomoreherionberry, maritimelawberry, nuclearberry, arsonberry, suicideberry, posionberry, constipationberry, rabiddogberry, thekittenwasbornwithnofaceberry, barefootandpregnantinthekitchenberry.


Berry makes everything ok.

News

Congress returns to a full plate in another attempt to going the clean plate club.

I think this is the first short story I've written since high school.

I think this is a short story. I don't remember, I haven't been in high school English class in a while. 

Lather, Rinse, Umbrella Drinks.

By

Heather Meyer

            He turns to me and asks,” Have you seen this one Family Guy…”

            “I hate it when you start sentences like that.” I interrupt. No, I wasn’t supposed to fall for an improv actor. Especially not an improv actor on a cruise ship. 

            I had seen him perform. The show was fun because jokes about seasickness and buffets are always topical; at least they were topical on a cruise. Later, he was teaching an intro to improv class in the Stardream Lounge.

             To the class, I deliberately wore a bright sundress to distract from the minefield of inflamed acne that had erupted on my back. He was friendly, funny and fleshy. He had an unparalleled smile, meaning his teeth were not parallel, that they were a bit askew. As the class finished and the ships’ elders dispersed, he said to me, “You look young and fun.”             “And you are husky and observant,” I answer back baiting him with a smile. He returned the grin with his lips stretching around his two rows of linearly challenged teeth.

             In lounge chairs on the Lido deck, we exchanged the predictable autobiographical details. Then we found ourselves, correction, found myself whipping out my ship card to purchase two rum concoctions in bright pink cups festooned with umbrellas and pineapples. My bacne was starting to itch from the sun, but I refused to scratch it to avoid an incident with pus and blood so soon in a date.

            One fruit-lined rum drink lead to another and then to five, now that I was ambitious, I leaned forward to kiss him but ended up grazing his cheek in a drive-by snogging.  “Follow me,” he said so clichéd-ly with a wink that almost distracted me from his rickety pirate teeth. He walked toward the elevators. “Not in the elevators!” I whisper in a sudden display of conservatism. “We’ll take the stairs,” he answered again with that wink that I was starting to think might be a facial tick.

            In the movies, we would have slid laughingly down the banisters together. In reality, my fruity rum buzz and lust for mediocre comedy were waning with every series of endless stairs. So many staircases, I regretted my prudishness towards the elevators, at least then the zits on my back wouldn’t have been flaring up from the sweat. We finally reached the last stair, the last stair on the ship; there was no further down we could go.  I felt like I was on the bottom of the ocean, and yet I was still somehow on a cruise ship. We had reached his cabin. Yes, cabins on cruise ships are small, but this was a water closet. There were four beds, two on the floor, two lofted and eight inches separating them.

            “Are we at camp?” I ask.           

            “If by camp you mean Poseidon’s sex dungeon,” He improvises so wittily. Then, his distorted dentals were at me. Soon my lips grew tired of dodging Stonehenge and since I was already on the bed and my sundress was on floor we move toward deeper waters. He explored my coastline and I discovered his mast was just as crooked as his smile.

            Afterwards and after-glowing he rubs his hand on my back as if to read the Braille that was my bacne asked what my sign was. It was such a retro question, I wondered if the tidal pool betwixt my legs had become a time warp. I looked over at him and he just smiled his imprecise, boulder toothed smile and replied, “Have you seen this one Family Guy…?”

Who's on the table? The Cast of Condiments.

Salt and Pepper: Super gay

Sugar: Girl next door

Sweet and Lo: Slut!

Equal: Lesbian

Ketchup: It's not a party with out Ketchup!

Splenda: Porn Star hot, created in a lab or on an operating table. Incredibly attractive. Hates

A-1: Super man (not like the hero, just really manly)

Tabasco: depressed, like that blue mule from Winne-the-Pooh

Mustard: Who invited Mustard? He never showers.

Coffee Creamers: That annoying clique of unattractive yet really made-up girls

VALIDATION!!!!!

After faithfully creating something everyday and writing yesterday's long photo/blog post detailing my highlight reel ambitions....today on the 22nd day, I have become a highlight!!! Dreams really do come true.

My creation from yesterday made it on the highlights for June 21st!

I was here. Uptown Cafeteria and Support Group and it is as cool as it seems but there is a patio and $5 martinis (that are more like lemonade in a triangle glass). I ordered a Monte Cristo, to which the waitress said, "That's a bold choice," forcing me to up the ante (reminiscent of this not the crush part, the underestimation of me by waitstaff)  and order fries along with it. Bring on the fried-ness. My heart attack will be worth it.


I am taking full credit for this creation even through other people were there. (And I spent much of my time eavesdropping on the blind date behind me) Steph tried to put a ray gun (fried bit of Monte Cristo) on one of the guys but it fell off. Alex helped too somehow but I don't remember how. Mary moved one of the guys into place, so I guess she was like a choreographer. Michaela did stuff too but I mainly remember myself bossing her around to move the silverware out of the photo.

Here is what I made today.

(It's sideways, just move your computer, dummy)

Really pushing at the highlight reel again. Once is never enough, obviously (Naomi's been up there at least three times!)


There were a lot of links in this blog post. Good work at stating the obvious, Heather.

And a lot of name-dropping happened here, that is if my friends were famous.
(But Sven Sundgaard was there wearing a bright orange workout jersey and being all short and pseudo-famous.)

Purity Rings, Class Rings, Engagement Rings, Wedding Rings...now Single Rings?

Here's I what I have to say about that.

The 'est' in the room.

I hate the 'est' in the room. The smartest, the shortest, the tallest, the whitest, the blackest, the clumsiest, the fattest, the thinnest, the youngest, the oldest, the dumbest, the girliest, the manliest, the meanest,the most average-est, the richest, the poorest, the honest(est), the funniest, the serious-est and forever.

Why? Why do I hate them?

Well, look.

Welcome to the Party

A short play.

By Heather Meyer

The Most Average-est:
Hi Bingo, how are you? This birthday party smells weird.

The Shortest:
Oh, I know I can barely see over everyone's crotch so imagine the smell I am smelling. I wish I could blow my nose but I can't reach the tissues.

Smartest Person:
The reason the smell is so thick in this room is because the cake has been baked with feces folded in to the frosting, I can tell because I had a book published about my hometown once.

Girliest Person:
It smells like sparkles. I like sparkles. Oh pink. I am such a girl.

Fattest Person:
Hey, here I am, tons of fun is here!

The Honest(est):
You're obese and you are making the smell worse. I am just being honest.

(The Fattest punches the Honest(est))

The Manliest:
Oh! Right cross, nice do you work out? What about the MMA fight last night? I kept thinking about it as I was parking my monster truck on top of some pussies(men not cats or lady bits) outside the fighting cage this morning.

The Fattest:
I would but I am too fat to ride horses so I can't work out.

The Most Average-est:
(to The Honest(est) who is still on the floor bleeding)
Are you alright?

(The Clumsiest trips over the fallen The Honest(est))

The Honest(est):
Ouch! I am already bleeding and I don't have health insurance.

The Smartest:
According to the new health care reform you will get fined for that, I know because I had a paperback book about my hometown published ten years ago.

The Clumsiest:
Oops! My bad! I am so clumsy! That is why I can't have nice things.

The Honest(est):
Or nice friends.

The Meanest:
(Pointing at The Honest(est))
Bitch!
(Pointing at The Clumsiest)
Stumpy whore leg!

The End.

Sometimes I email myself notes and find them a year later

That Movie with the blue guy, Watchmen.

So what is with Dr. Manhattan's underpants? Why does he where them when he is quite
comfortable naked or when wanting to appear decent he wears the suit. Why the
underpants? Fleeting modesty? Or does he crave support sometimes? Just sometimes
though.

I'm glad I didn't have to see his parts when he was huge. That is like Clifford the
Big Blue Dong. Not nearly has helpful but as comical as the orginal Clifford.

Cease and Desist Letter from United States Bread Council

May 24th, 2010
Re: The Culture of Doing Things Blog 
Confession: Double Down Sandwich

Dear Ms. Meyer:

Pursuant to my rights under federal culinary identification  laws, I am requesting that you cease and desist referring to the chicken/bacon/sauce/cheese/chicken entree as a sandwich. A sandwich is defined as the marriage between bread surrounding a filling. Bread must be included in any description of a sandwich and the Double Down Entree at KFC does not include any bread, therefore it is illegal to be referred to as a sandwich as you so carelessly did in your recent blog entitled Confession: Double Down Sandwich.

You are hereby notified that if you do not comply with this request, I will immediately file a complaint with the Federal Culinary Commission and the Minnesota Attorney General’s office. Civil and criminal claims will be pursued.

Sincerely,

M. Rye Bread
Commissioner of United States Bread Council

Suck it, 1, 2, 3

I hate 1,2,3.

They think they are so cool, being at the front of the line up and all. Everyone has to use 1,2,3.

Person: On three! One, Two, Three!

Person 2: On three? or wait for three?

Person: On three, always on three.

(yeah, on three people, waiting for after three is unnesscary, you could have just gone until two then, boneheads.)

Winners of first place are always the best. Third place gets a bronze medal.

Bronze is special, you know the only other time bronze is used is to immortalize baby shoes, the most special shoes in the world. Stupid number 3 and its friends 1 and 2.

And we are always ranking things. Name you first choice, and second choice, oh hell, give us your top three favorite. No one ever wants to know my 8th favorite of anything, only my top three.

1,2,3 it's always 1, 2, 3. Or uno, dos, tres or any other translation. What about 17, 18, 19? Or 78, 79, 80. or 134, 73, 990?

One, two, three, they think they are so cool.

1, 2, 3 someday your fifteen minutes will be up, but first we have to get past three.

Flirt!!!!!!!

The internet let me do it again!

This time I tell you how to translate fishing strategies into flirting strategies!

GO here!

M. Night Shamalyan of the Living dead or Heather has a film screening

Last night,  my first film Zombie Sweater had its public premeier as one of the top ten finalist in the Women's Stand Up and Shoot comedic film competition.

I was pretty excited.

When I got the program and began reading all the bios of the other finalists I began to think, "Wow, Minnesota is filled with a lot of established female filmmakers, I don't recgonize anyone's name." There are Sundance awards winners listed there, Script comepetiion winners and all sorts of awesome and me, who in my bio wrote "This is Heather's first film."

Then I saw the films. They were all amazing. I was so impressed, I wished anyone of them were mine.
I thought again, "Wow, I didn't realize that there is so much great female filmmaking talent in MInnesota, where did she find a palm tree and a beach?"

Then I learned that this was not a Minnesota only film contest, it was a national film contest. NATIONAL. As in other states and places where there are filmmakers entered. And my silly film about sweaters is in the top ten!

For real?

Yes!!!!

My first film was fun enough to be in the top ten? That make me feel awesome! I tell people when they see it that it is obvious it is my first film but I say, if it was a school project you know it would have gotten me an A+ right?

Right!

So even though I didn't take home any Oscars (gold or flesh, sorry Oscar.) I feel really great about being in the top ten, hey it's my first film! I was so pleased to be included in the amazingly talent group of women of last night. Again, the films were so good.

So good in fact, you will be able to see them all on rooftopcomedy.com. I don't know if the films are up there yet, but they will be.


Meanwhile.........watch Zombie Sweater! Right now!!!!!!

Found and Published: Diary of A Driver's Ed Student

I found the journal I kept during my Driver's Ed class the summer of 1996 and have transcribed it here.

Let me set the stage:

Heather is 15 years-old. She wears her hair in a ponytail everyday. Everyday. She is shy, awkward and has bad acne. She has had very little driving experience. There are many farm kids in this Driver's Ed class who have been driving tractors since birth. There are also some of the cool kids, who Heather feels insecure around. 

Driver’s Ed was structured into three parts:

Classroom-where classroom learning happened, books, reading, stuff like that

Range-The fenced are with fake streets and cones behind the school. Range was like circuit training for driving with exercises spaced all around in which a student rotated what skill they were on. Some of the exercises were; Serpentine (forward and back), Parallel Parking, Three Point Turn, Offset Street, Right Back In Turn, Angle Parking

Behind the Wheel-Three students and a teacher hit the streets of Jamestown, ND in a car with a break both the driver’s and the passenger’s side. And the big yellow triangle ‘STUDENT DRIVER” sign on top.

Here we go! 

June 24, 1996

Driver’s Ed starts tomorrow. I am so nervous, I want to go but I do not want to be embarrassed. I wish I could just get my license and not go to Driver’s Ed. I wish I knew everything about driving so I can get an A.

June 25, 1996

Well after driving on the wrong side of the road and forgetting to turn my range car off, all went pretty well. My range car is so cool; it is a white Grand Prix with the handle on the side of the window. My group for range is pretty stupid but this girl Angie is really nice.

June 26, 1996

Today was worse. I ran my range car into the fence and dented the car. I am never going to pass Driver’s Ed and I will never get my license. Behind the Wheel was ok, but why did I have to hit the fence? Why? I am the worst driver in the world.

June 27, 1996

I hate Driver’s Ed. I suck, Range was fine except I backed out of the Angle Parking the wrong way and got in trouble. When we went Behind the Wheel, we were working on multi-lanes and changing lanes. I am good at changing but when I was turning on to the multi-lanes, I was turning left and Mr. Bertcsh kept saying ‘Inside lane, inside lane,” and I thought he meant on the LEFT side inside lane so I kind of went there and he grabbed the wheel. I was so embarrassed. I almost hit a car door I didn’t see and he grabbed the wheel again. Then when I turned I accidentally jumped lanes on the turn. I was happy because I thought I was in the correct lane but I wasn’t.

Before Range today a guy said, “Are you going to hit any fences today?’ That was so mean so I said, “No, maybe you will.” I hate driving. I just want my license. I am very afraid that if I do something wrong again they will not let me drive.

June 28, 1996

Well, Driver’s Ed wasn’t so bad today, probably because today we did not drive. I felt that everyone kept looking at me because I am such a bad driver. I hope someone else is worse than me and I improve, I hope.

July 1, 1996

Okay, Driver’s Ed is getting better, but I almost hit the fence again. When I almost hit the fence there were like four cards around so now everyone makes fun of me behind my back. Behind the Wheel was okay, Mr. Bertcsh was gone so we had Mrs. Nold.

July 2, 1996

Today Driver’s Ed was okay but I went to the Offset Street wrong and the Right Back In Turn wrong. I almost hit Natalie. Nathan said to Natalie, “Hurry up, you’re slow,” and she said, “No, I’m not. I am behind Heather. She is slow.” I felt like screaming, “Well, I’m sorry, Natalie if I am not a know-it-all driver and do not meet your driving standards!” I smashed two cones and Mrs. Sunderland had to move two more cones so I would not hit them. But I did do the Serpentine well. And in Behind the Wheel, my parallel parking was okay but I hit the curb and ran the car up on it. But the other than that it was okay. All Mr. Bertcsh does is talk to his little pet Natalie. I hate her, she is a suck-up.

July 3, 1996

Today wasn’t too bad I only smashed one cone but on the Serpentine, I kept hitting one. Otherwise it was OK. Behind the Wheel was all right but it was raining. When I got in the car I forgot the shift gears and tired to go with the car in park. I think someone scratched their car on the fence. I got a headache in Range. Three days left, good.

July 8, 1996

Driving sucks. Today we had a Defensive Driving course, talk about boring. Range was OK. I only nicked one cone. Corey had to run around the range because he was talking. It was funny. We were Interstate driving today and Mr. Bertcsh got mad at me and kept saying, “Maintain your speed.” I was trying to and then he said, “That was the third time you need to maintain your speed.” Then He told me to speed up and I was going 73mph. I said, “Well, now I am speeding.” Two days left.

July 9, 1996

Today wasn’t too bad. We tested in Range. I got an 87% I think it was the lowest grade. Oh well. We did the stupid team question thing and my team is stupid. I could not remember my information so no one knew the answer and Natalie was like, “Who’s information was that yours, didn’t you read?” I hate her. In Range we had to wait before we could leave each skill and Rick Stockton was at one of mine. He was trying to teach me to peel out. Then when I was done backing through the Serpentine he said, “You are the master backer.” He talked to me a few more times, he is kind of cute. Dave Gardner is kind of cute too. Behind the Wheel was ok. I parallel parked all by myself! Lots of tests tomorrow, that is okay!

July 10, 1996

I passed! My Behind the Wheel test I got a 96%. One point off for turning my wheels in parallel parking. One point off for looking only straight ahead and two points off for having bumpy stops. On the tests in classroom today, I got A's on them all. I got a B for the course…

July 12, 1996

I passed my Driving Test! I got a 96% on it. I was so nervous but I passed. I only had to parallel park behind one car. So easy. I have a license!

July 16, 1996

Guess what I heard yesterday at Volleyball Camp! Natalie failed her driving test. She told me that she ran a red light. I told her, “Oh, I got a 96%” That’ll show her!

July 18, 1996

Natalie failed her test again. She turned in front of a car. Ha! Ha!

August 26, 1996

School starts tomorrow; I hope no one says anything about Driver’s Ed. That is the only thing I am worried about. I hope no one remembers.

August 27, 1996

No one said anything but it is only the first day so someone might say something. I hope not.

August 31, 1996

No one has said anything. I hope everyone has forgotten.

oracles

I saw a license plate that said: ASUWISH today. Is that an anti-Semitic thing? A misspelling of everyone's least favorite camp? That got buy the license place people? I would have questioned it and kicked them for asking for that to be placed on the front and the back of their blue minivan. Then I saw a different mini-van with plates that said, "HoHoHo" is that just all year long winter festivities or does that license plate know what I am for Halloween?

pretty much

One-Eyed Articulate man, "Oh, does your grandson have physical challenges?" Man made of spheres, "No, he's actually quite advanced." Me, "He's a robot."