Tuesday, May 27, 2014

You’re invited to a BBQ! BYOMFTG:)

Hey! We are having a BBQ! We really hope you can come! It starts at noon; don’t arrive any earlier than noon, but no later than 1:30pm.
Here are the details!

It’s BYOB! Also BYOMFTG:), (that’s bring your own meat for the grill*, smiley face!) Also, please bring a side dish to share. Email me within ten minutes of receiving this email to confirm what side you are bringing so there is no overlap. When selecting sides to bring, think paleo, which means no dairy, vegetable oils, legumes, sugars, potatoes, grains, pseudo-grains or glutens.

FYI: If you have a foldable, portable or lightweight camp chair, one of those director chairs that fold or favorite reclining chair, please bring it! We have one backyard bench that seats four, so if sitting is something you imagine you might what to participate in, please bring your own chair.

*If you are bringing something for the grill, remember to bring your own grill because we have a lot of vegans, pretend vegans, food allergies and people who just don’t like the taste of one type of grilled meat touching another type of grilled meat. (If you bring Ahi Tuna steaks, remember that also makes a great hostess gift. Yum! Smiley face!)

There will be lawn games, if you bring a lawn game. If you do choose to bring a lawn game, bring some grass seed to reseed the areas on which you’ll be playing.  In the vein of keeping a sense of fun and relaxation at the BBQ, we aren’t allowing parking on our block, since a line of cars on the street can looks icky, it also hurts the feelings of the neighbors who did not get invited. If you do choose to drive your car, you can park over at the high school and walk the quick 15 blocks to our house!  Please do not take a shortcut through anyone’s lawn. The neighbors who did not get invited may not invite me to be part of the neighborhood garage sale next year.

Significant others are welcome, if you do choose to bring a significant other, please have them stay by your side the whole afternoon, that way no one thinks they are a random creeper that walked into the yard and calls the police. NOTE: If you’ve recently had a break-up** (Dan, Julia and Donna) We advise you not to bring a significant other since you may be playing fast and loose with your romantic companions right now therefore, means it’s unlikely the people you will bring will be an asset to the afternoon. If you choose to ‘hook-up’ with someone at the BBQ, please make sure they are one of the aforementioned single people (Dan, Julia and Donna) so as not to increase the already tense suspicions about fidelity between the spouses in attendance.

** “Recently” is defined as in the last year. Nikki, this does not include you. Your break-up was six years ago and we’d love to see you at the BBQ with a date. Any date, and please don’t bring a small dried fruit because you think that is funny. Mom always said your sense of humor would be the reason your eggs would expire.
If you are exploring new forms of love and relationships, you are welcome to bring those participants (Men, women, other) but please don’t go into a complicated explanation about it. You can feel free to use the code word “someone I know from work,” to indicate you are sexually intimate with this person without sharing a label (boyfriend, girlfriend, mid-life crisis affair, Tinder Hookup). Speaking of Tinder, please don’t use it at the BBQ, I’d rather you not interact with my husband in that manner.

Children are always welcome, but only if they’ve already graduated from High School. Since we raise our lawn as it would be in the wild, our backyard ecosystem is too delicate to withstand the unpredictable scampering of children who have yet to complete their high school diploma. Our grass is much more accustomed to the light rustling of wild squirrels and rabbits. If you have wild squirrels or rabbits, feel free to bring them along. (Please indicate whether they are pets or BYOMFTG:)).

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

A Converstation with the Chicken that broke my iPhone

Heather: Hi, here with me today is this chicken who broke my iPhone
Chicken: Actually, I didn’t break your phone. You’re phone is not broken.

Heather: Two things, Chicken. Yes and Yes.

Chicken: What?

Heather: You know what I mean

Chicken: Nope.

Heather: Yes you do.

Chicken: No I don’t.

Heather: yes you broke my phone and yes you did it, Birdbrain

Chicken: Well, Over-entitled-Top-of-the-food-chainer, to make it clear, your phone is not broken merely the screen is cracked and I never touched it.

Heather: Your soul touched it.

Chicken: False.

Heather: Yeah-huh, when I took your photo your soul flew out of you and was captured in my phone. That sudden intact of cosmic energy from your visage into my tiny handheld texting device caused it to fall out of my hand on to the cement.

Chicken: That’s not how cameras work

Heather: Maybe, chicken, maybe.

Saturday, August 17, 2013

Polticial Ha-Ha Shows

On the heels of my show the genre inventing RT+MPLS: The Legend of R.T. Rybak, I have been asked (Actualy, no one asked me to make this list in the sense you are thinking. I just wanted to make it, but in my political research for this show I have learned that in the political world you say "I have been asked to run for president or mayor or congressman or trash collector" is how you say "I want to run for president or mayor or congressman or trash collector.")To list what other shows my fall under my new genre: The Political Love Letter/Romantic Comedy.

For those Culture of Doing Things Readers that are all like, "What are you talking about?" I am talking about the show I just made, RT+MPLS: The Legend of R.T. Rybak, a romantic comedy about Minneapolis's outgoing mayor and the fact that he's totally in love with the city and Minneapolis loves him back and it's adorable and wacky and satirical in the way you don't expect. You know that show? We just did it in the Minnesota Fringe Festival? The mayor came? TWICE?

Ok. Are we all on the same page now? Good. So to cap it off all you non-Minneapolis readers. Mayor Rybak is basically the mayor from Portlandia. It's awesome. What? You haven't seen Portlandia? Netflix it. Then come back.

So here they are:

Teddy Roosevelt's Extreme Environmental Challenge A reality TV show were it's nature vs nurture as teams of urban, technology-dependent social media hounds have to camp in a state park for a whole weekend--without internet service. Host Teddy Roosevelt scares the campers at night by unleashing an actual bear into camp. Survivors are rewarded with an actual teddy bear and a ride back to civilization on Teddy Roosevelt's moose.

Old Rough and Ready's Delicate Cooking Hour This cooking show features 12th president Zachary Taylor as he teaches you how to cook with bland things to avoid dying from eating cherries and milk, just like he did.

Yes, young Nixon.

Sexy Nixon's Top Model Youthful Nixon hosts a modeling competition where each week a losing model is kicked off to Nixon saying "That is not a look!"

DIY Bathroom Remodel with William Howard Taft This is a webseries where 27th President William Howard Taft enlarges your bathroom to accommodate America's expanding waistline. A great series, but has a lot of pop-up adds for Taco Bell.

Bill Clinton's Beach Party Jazz Fest Exactly what it sounds like, a classy jazz music appreciation show.

Linda Tripp's Say Yes to the Dress No explanation needed, only shown on pay-per-view


Thursday, August 1, 2013

This is what is happening

Hello Culture of Doing Things!

I know you all have been checking this blog daily since March for all of my brain eggs, but obviously, again, I have been doing other things than blogging. (Well, I have been blogging, you'll hear about that later.)

So, what is happening? My new show RT+MPLS: The Legend Of R.T. Rybak opens tonight at the New Century Theatre in Downtown Minneapolis. It is an amazing day: same-sex marriage became legal today, the MN Fringe is having it's 20th anniversary today, my fringe show opens! I am very fortunate to have been placed in a venue in the heart of the city with a show about the heart of the city on the day when the hearts of all the MN cities are full!

Full points for everyone.

So you can check out the show on the Minnesota Fringe site or follow the adventures of our Spokesmayor R(eally) T(iny) Rybak at www.rtplusmpls.com (see, that's where I have been blogging.)

Hope to see you in person or on the internet soon!

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

A Dialogue with my self

SELF: Good job self on pretty much not blogging for a whole month.

OTHER SELF: Hey now Self, don't be so sarcastic and mean. You just put up a wonderful Comedybration that people are still talking about. (www.comedybration.com)

SELF: It was only on Friday.

OTHER SELF: Cut that out right now. You worked hard on that. You wrangled folks in LA and MPLS, made props, marketing the thing, wrote the thing, edited it, directed and and learned your own lines in it.

SELF: Define "learned my own lines" I did some improvising.

OTHER SELF: But that is one of your skill sets, Self! Don't sell yourself short. You gave out prizes in your show. It was awesome.

SELF: People like prizes.

OTHER SELF: Also Self, did you even notice that you opened a show the week before your Comedybration? And that your first semester of grad school ended the same day the Comedybration opened? And joined a theatre company?

SELF: Well, the other show is...

OTHER SELF: The other show is Flanagan's Wake the an interactive Irish wake, you had to learn the lines, practice the improv and drive to St. Paul with your broken car every night for tech week, after already working the whole day and then having a comedybration rehearsal.

SELF: I supposee..

OTHER SELF: No, you don't 'suppose.' It's ok that you let posting on this blog slip when the other plates you were spinning had to keep spinning.

SELF: But I made an unofficial promise to post on this blog everyday for a whole year.

OTHER SELF: Plans can change! Accept that you can't plan life, you can try but things change. You wouldn't have traded any of these awesome things that happened this past 30 days?

SELF: Well, I wish my car wasn't broken.

OTHER SELF: All or nothing, Self. All or nothing.

SELF: In that case, no, I wouldn't have traded anything in the past 30 days in order to keep my blogging everyday record up.


SELF: Yes, I see.

OTHER SELF: Why are you still being a gloomy gus, Self?

SELF: I don't know, that's just how Heather keeps writing me.

OTHER SELF: Oh. Well, wear this hat.

(OTHER SELF puts cowboy hat covered in blue feathers and tiny dump trucks on SELF's head.)

SELF: What is this?

OTHER SELF: I don't know. But I am sure we can make a metaphor about it.

SELF: At least this isn't a real play where a props person had to make this hat.

OTHER SELF: That's true Self. That's true.

SELF: Let's got eat Pad Thai.


The End

Saturday, February 23, 2013

Things are happening!

I know I have been lack in my blogging! That is what happens when I am blogging on my favorite holiday, FIBERUARY at www.fiberuary.com

But as Fiberuary winds down, my next favorite, not made up holdiay is gearing up, Women's History Month which this year I am celebrating with a show: Women's History Month: The Historical Comedybration (with fabulous prizes) check it out at www.comedybration.com


Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Open Letter to The Fancy Grocery Store

Dear Grocery Store Employee Who Bagged My Purchases Today,

Hello sir, I'm sure you recognize me. I am the woman who purchases grocery store sushi from your establishment about once a week or so. You, of course, being a competent and valued part of the Lund's Grocery Store experience certainly strive to exemplify the class, expertise and helpfulness that Lund's prides itself on.

I always enjoy a trip to Lund's. I am aware that the extra money I pay on the inflated prices on all things is paying for the artfully merchandised produce section, the constant samples of free cheese and the absence of a self-check out lane. Your store has an olive bar, Himalayan rock salt and of course, my favorite place, the ready to go sushi.

I always enjoy standing over the selections of rolls and nigri that your sushi chefs make each day. I appreciate the care in which the chef drizzles spicy sauce in a clever zigzag and each roll dotted with the perfect amount of fish row or crushed wasabi peas.

Thank you for understanding that my addition to grocery store sushi saves me time and money every time I jones for raw fish, helping me to dash in to your store rather than belly up by myself to the closest sushi bar. You provide me a quick, easy, portable fix.

With all of this convenience and knowledge that you provide the public, why is it then upon check out you make a metaphorical "You can suck it!" to my patronage of your store? I understand that packing groceries is an art, but I wonder if there is a special masters certificate in the proper way to place a container of delicately prepared sushi into a paper bag? I would think that the sushi must lay flat in the bag, not on the side nor on it's end to prevent the nicely lined up rolls from falling into each other and creating a sushi slush party. That is just what I would assume would be the correct way. But the style you displayed today was that you filled the bag full of bananas first and then slide my delightful sushi container standing on it's end. Which of course meant that zigzags of eel sauce and spicy mayo became a graffiti of condiments as the rice and cucumbers joined a mosh pit of particles. It no longer looked like beautiful sushi, but instead, it was that scene in Trainspotting, you know the one don't make me describe it, but it involves a toilet.

Please correct me if this is the proper way to present sushi. I feel like I do have experience the matter, due to my uncontrollable addiction to all sushi, hence my constant need to a quick hit from the Lund's grocery store.

So stop putting the sushi in the bag on it's end. You wouldn't do that with a cake, would you? Sushi is the same principle. I am more than willing to come in and teach a class on the proper way to pack sushi in a grocery bag, you can pay me in grocery store sushi.


Heather Meyer