How to write a play

These are mermaids not Merblades, 
there is a difference but you'll 
have to see the show to know.

Welcome back! How about that? 


So I am in the MN Fringe Festival again and I am super excited. The show I am creating is called Merblades: Memoirs of a James Cameron. And it is just as awesome as it sounds. 


But I am not here to plug my fringe show just yet (but I will soon). 


I am here to tell you how to write the first draft of a play. This is the method I used last night to kick out the first draft of Merblades. 


1. Have a mild dairy intolerance. 


2. Buy two quarts of Breyer's Ice Cream (Oreo and Reese's Peanut butter cup)


3. Put lots of ice cream in a bowl. Eat it.


4. Start writing your play. Keep eating and writing. Let the fear of stomach revenge at every bite race the words across the screen. The more you write the less your stomach will kill you. (not a medical fact)


5. Eat until 2/3 of a quart of ice cream (collectively from both quarts)


6. Congratulations! You have the first draft of your play! 


You are welcome. 

Putting 2011 Fringe to Rest or My show kicked ass

There I am selling Evening Foam.

Official fringe wrap-up and moving on.

I saw 18 shows. That is one more than last year. Good work for me.

By the numbers:

Saw 18 shows

Usher for 6 shows

Performed 6 times

Those are the biggest numbers for my fringing yet. Good work me. Next year, I will try to see twenty shows.

Your Responsibility for Sex Failure also won an encore slot! What's the encore slot, you ask? Well, an encore slot is awarded to the top-selling show of each venue. So We were the top selling show of the Theatre Garage so we got a bonus sixth performance! That was awesome. I am so thankful for everyone who came and helped make that happen.

What else? Metro Magazine wrote a wonderful review of the show! FringeFamous reviewed us too. Sure, they didn’t care too much for the show but it’s a step up from last year when they landed my "On the bottom on the waitlist with no chance of getting the fringe" show as number 2 on the worst titles of the 2010 Fringe.

Looks like I am moving up in the world.


We also go 38 audience reviews! That is 38 people who thought about my show enough later to log on to the internet to share their thoughts about it! That is amazing! Rockstars! 

So what do I do now, after fringe the world keeps asking me? I think I want to buy a Crock Pot. 

Fringe for real: A simple listing

Fringe is happening. All over my face. 


I have seen 11 shows so far and Sex Failure has had two performances. I am really proud of the cast and crew of Your Responsibility for Sex Failure and I am so proud of the audience too. They are handsome. It seems like everyone is having fun, and that is our whole deal. Come hang out with us and have fun times. Three more perfromances. Click here. to buy tickets. The press has been very generous to us. Thank you Metro Mag, MSP/ST. Paul Mag and all the audience reviews and Tweets! I am blown away by the encouragement.

These are the shows I saw in the order I saw them:

Comedy=Tragedy+Someone Else
I'm Totally President
Once Upon a Time in the Suburbs
Tempests
Brainfighters
Our Freaking Kids Show
Losing My Religion: Confessions of a New Age Refugee
Hamluke
Death Perception
Hauser Dance Unraveled
Anglina is a Zionist Whore or Plan 9 from Baghdad

If you want to know my opinion of these shows, you shall buy me a drink or a sandwich. Because I liked talking to people in person. You should talk to me in a person way. However, I will tell you that none of these shows sucked. So go check them out.

Fringe Friday #9: More Uniforms-ity

Plastic children wigs.

Your Responsibility for Sex Failure

Aug 4-14

MN Fringe Festival 2011

Minneapolis Theatre Garage

Uniform News!

What's sexier than a bunch of actors in a sexy show? 

A bunch of actors and a North Star Roller Girl in a show! Actor Daisy Donohue has just be selected as the newest member of the league. So you can see her kick ass onstage and on the track. Daisy plays the lovely, but distant wife, Carla Baldwin in Your Responsibility for Sex Failure.

Men in uniform news!

Also incredibly sexy are men in uniforms.

So get your fix every Friday night at HUGE Improv Theatre seeing Police Cop Detective PI featuring John Haynes who plays the dashing Doctor Baldwin in Your Responsibility for Sex Failure.

More Uniforms!

What's more better than one sexy nurse?

Three sexy nurses.

Yes, on Thursday night the Sex Failure's sexy nurse quotient tripled. Which means more sexy nurse outfits. Nurse uniforms are important, because without a uniform, a sexy nurse is just a sexy naked lady. 


AND THAT IS NOT THE SHOW WE ARE DOING.     At least not yet.

Today, I went to purchase the last of the uniforms at the good old uniform store. After finding the dress and asking about a return policy (since I needed my newest nurse, Mary, [in her debut theatrical role!] to try it on) the clerk asked if I was a professional. In my incredible honesty, I admitted this was for a play which made the clerk freaked out and explain that they had a very generous return policy for professionals. But theatres can suck her dick.  She's convinced that all theatres take photos of uniforms then return them with make-up on. Which I am sure has happened. But if she can tell me what 'real' 'professionals' are wearing nurse dresses not for any form of entertainment (wink, wink) and I'll show you a hospital full of fully insured horny perverts. After I used my incredible sweet talking skills, I managed to eek out a small 48hr return window should the dress not fit. Then I tried to pay for the dress and she needed to see my photo ID (clearly all theatre folk are also ID thefts) to which she replied "this can't possibly be you." She didn't believe it was me in my ID.

In her defense, my driver's license photo looks like this:

And I showed up at the uniform store looking like this:

But I was up all night fighting the indoor rainstorm coming from my ceiling and had a eyebrow wax that left my face with zits where my eyebrows used to be. This is why I usually let my eyebrows roam free, stupid vanity.

I have to admit, initially when she was in disbelief of my photo I thought is was because I looked so good today and so awful in my photo. I explained my ID photo was taken two years ago and I had lost a lot of weight and was wearing different clothes. When really it was because I look really put together in my photo and like a train-wrecked hobo zit-wraith in today's humidity (and usually). 

Whatever, she still let me give her money for a uniform she was certain I was going to try to return later. 

Boing!

Fringe Friday #5: Promo Bonanza plus a little song

You know the words, sing with me.

"Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred postcards, that's how you promote, promote your show. With press releases, Twitter feeds, and Facebook pages. That's how you promote, promote your show."


You know it, Your Responsibility for Sex Failure by Heather Meyer (me!) and Mary Certain has promotional postcards. Like a million of them. 


Ok, not a million but more than 50. 


Postcards! It's a real thing! They are so shiny. Like someone made them. For real. 


Because someone did! Mary Certain designed the cards with her graphic design ninja skills. And that sexy photo? That was taken by the talented Joey Ford! 


Look at all that important info! Save the date! Save it! You don't want to waste that date. Or let that date be killed because you didn't save it, just like the whales.


Look!

Now to avoid getting paper cuts.

Fringe Friday #4: The Beginning

Heather and Mary are friends. Mary moved into a house. Heather did not. Mary found a stash of 30 1960's women's magazines in the closet of her new home. Heather did not. Mary shared her cultural archaeological find with with her friends. Everyone laughed and then Heather said, "That is a fringe show." 

Then:

Lottery ball goes in. Lottery ball comes out. 

Now, Mary and Heather made a fringe show.

The magazine that started it all:

And the article:

Sexy. Campy. Doctory. It's 1964.

Your Responsibility for Sex Failure

Created by Heather Meyer and Mary Certain

Coming to a Minnesota Fringe Festival near you

August 4-14, 2011

Minneapolis Theatre Garage

Fringe Friday: Histories' Mysteries

Fringe Friday #2. (Here's Fringe Friday #1) The second the the series of updates on the creation of the show Your Responsibility for Sex Failure for the 2011 Minnesota Fringe Festival.


If you don't know by now, you will, Your Responsibility for Sex Failure is based on advice and articles from early 1960's ladies magazines. Think Cosmo 50 years ago.


Most of the magazines' stories are elaborate dramas involving the glamorous world of doctors and nurses.

As part of my research, my mom lent me her college yearbooks from 1960 to 1964. She let me steal them on the condition that I don't show anyone her picture:

 

This is not my mom. This is the 1964 Montana State Harvest Queen.

Did you really think my mom was the Harvest Queen?

Do you really think I would embarrass my mom like that?

Only like this: Can you find her in this sorority photo?

Did you find her?

Let me help you:

Ta-da!

Fun and games aside, I need to research sexy nurses.

Like these ladies:

Hot. 

Here's my interpretation of that:

Here's our show image! Come see our show! Aug 4-14th 2011
Minneapolis Theatre Garage.

Oh! Here's my mom again.

She's going to be so pretend angry.

To even things up here is a photo of me from 8th grade:

I don't know what is going on here. 

Fringe Friday: Sneak Peak!

From one of our show magazines.
Hello, 1964!

Friday Fringe Show Sneak Peak!

My MN fringe show, Your Responsibility for Sex Failure is close to having a show image!

Playing producer, I took photos of the photo shoot (how meta!).

That's the photographer Joey Ford behind the camera and Debra Berger as the sexy 1960's nurse in front of the lens. Joey was nice enough to let me hover around and take photos of the photo shoot.

Stay tuned for the final image to come! But don't hold you breath, it will be a few days!

And remember Your Responsibility for Sex Failure runs August 4-14, 2011 as part of the Minnesota Fringe Festival. All performances will be at the Minneapolis Theatre Garage.

Yves Klein Blue or Heather Meyer Gold Leaf

Feb 2011: Yves Klein Art Exhibit

Quick review: The art was great. Especially the sponges on sticks. Everything was blue. There were quotes on the wall. I took picture of the quotes. Then a young helpful, underemployed ‘guard’ put the smack down on my photo taking. I pointed out I was taking photos of the vinyl quotes on the wall, not trying to steal the art's soul. I know those are not the art. And it’s not like I am going to steal the quotes and claim them as my own. The quotes have the sayer of the quote right on them. That is what makes them a quote.

Here's the first quote.

The stern sixth grader didn’t by my story, nor thought I was the least bit amusing. I bet if I had farted he would have laughed. Who wouldn’t? So I stopped taking photos. I wanted to take some secret photos just to be brave, but I am too much of a square.

(Some galleries at the photography is allowed, just not at the Yves Klein exhibit, this information is useless since the exhibit closed on Feb 14, unless you have a time machine. If you did have a time machine you probably would screw up and go to a time without camera phones so it wouldn’t matter anyway.)

But I did get a photo of something other than non-art vinyl wall quotes.

Is this Yves Klein's toolbox?

Yves Klein also liked gold leaf. I have a special kinship with gold leaf. 

Another quote!

“Gold lame, just like basic black” I coined that phrase in college.

Let me tell you about gold leaf. I know about gold leaf. I used to be a really important scenic painter. One of my gigs was at Big Fancy Theatre in St. Louis. It was awesome. I was one of four scenic painters. We had a whole warehouse across the pond from the carpentry shop for our painting needs. The whole production side was a theatrical compound with gardens and snakes and bridges! We did three shows that summer, 1776, Big: the Musical and La Cage Aux Folles. 1776 was grey and brown, Big was BLUE (Yves Klein!) and La Cage was purple and GOLD LEAF (Yves Klein!).

I was assigned to gold leaf a beautiful antique sofa that had been reupholstered by Brooke in the prop shop (across the stream). Brooke had ushered the adorable sofa proudly over the bridge to our warehouse in the back. She showed off her upholstering job and skill at making sure the very limited amount of fabric work perfectly the cover the chair. They had used every bit of that fabric they could find! And it was perfect. She was pleased that they had just enough fabric to upholstery this sofa and the matching chairs, because there was not an ounce of that fabric left on the planet.

I had never gold leafed before, but as a smart woman who knows how to read directions, I knew I could handle it. (And Brooke gave me a tutorial).

I was rocking and rolling the gold leaf. Gold leafing is awesome and glamorous! From drab to fab with a little adhesive and gold foil sheets! I filled every little nook and cranny in the intricately carved frame. I was a master! I shall gold leaf the world. And then I dropped a glob of adhesive on the newly upholstered chair.

Again that is:

I dropped a glob of adhesive on the newly upholstered chair that had been upholstered in the last remnants of that particular fabric on earth.

Yikes!

I tried to wipe the glob of adhesive off that was now drying the fabric to a darkened splotch.

Wiping it off, however, just rubbed it in and collected the dirt from my grimy hands in to the sticky adhesive. Now it was worse. 

What the hell was I going to do? This couch was a big deal. A BIG deal. There isn’t a bigger deal than this couch. This production of La Cage Aux Folles was "pull out all the stops" important. And I had just pooped all over it. Permanent, immovable poop.

Double Yikes!

I didn’t want to tell any of my fellow painters. They didn’t need to know, they couldn't fix it.  And if  id did tell them it would just fuel the “Reasons Why Heather Sucks” list compiled by one member of the team.

Reasons Why Heather Sucks List

1: Heather is a broad strokes kind of girl

2. Heather didn’t like to listen to talk radio all day long

3. Heather thought a paint shop was a paint shop

4. Heather was AMAZING at mixing colors

5. Heather usually had a wet paint spot on her clothes at all times

6. Heather made a lot of jokes.

7. Heather spilled paint on the concrete and then cleaned it up.

8. Heather is a happy positive person

9. Heather didn’t use bamboo (as is the industry standard) to paint drops, she just bent over

So to avoid adding to that list and as an honest person, I had to tell someone.

I had to tell Props, it was their prop that I had ruined.

I had to tell Brooke. She was my friend, roommate and the props master. She always has a solution.

Right?

So I put my brave balls on and called a meeting with Brooke. Brooke was understanding and the only thing she could tell me was to avoid doing it again. She said it was pretty unnoticeable. Which is was. And it was onstage, in a proscenium, in a huge theatre. And in a production this afire, a quarter-sized slightly darkened spot was the least distracting thing on stage. 

Right?

Wrong. So so so so so so so so so wrong. Rumor has it the dark stain was the worst thing to ever happen to theatre. Ever. Theatre was dead, and I had killed it. There was no solution, no throw blanket or pillow could cover it, it was un-cover-up-able. The show was ruined.

Or was it? 

Nah. Nothing can stop a musical. It was an awesome show, with amazing performances and blah, blah, blah achievements all the way around.

Here's the couch in action!

That poor actor had to hold his knee up over the couch the whole show.

So Walker Art Center, let me take photos of the quotes on your walls or I might drip gold leaf adhesive all over you and ruin make you think I ruined your life but in fact improved everything in the world.

Disclaimer: I think I am allowed to public tell this story now because the statute of limitations on scenic painting crimes has expired. And because everything turned out OK.

Your Responsibility for Sex Failure in the MN Fringe Festival!

I am creating a fringe show. Mark your calendars now for Aug 4-14. It is going to be amazing. Seriously, I am so excited for this show that I can't control it. I get sweaty excited about it. Which is better than sweaty nervous. Maybe it is a little sweaty nervous. But mainly excited nervous because look:

Yeah, that is real. That is so real. That is so real that I get sweaty excited about it. This magazine is the show. Or a part of the show, we have like 30 of the magazines. So much raw material that we are going to melt faces so off that they will reform and look like regular faces again, only awesome-er. Your Responsibility for Sex Failure (playing at the Minneapolis Theatre Garage Aug 4-14), is a hilarious romp through the melodramatic articles of a 1960's women's magazine, including the print ad and letters to the editor. It is going to be so great. Stay tuned in the next few weeks for more news! But I will leave you with this:

Theatre Unbound 24hr Play Project

In January, I was a playwright for Theatre Unbound's 24hr Play Project. It was my second year participating in the project and I always forget my brain shuts off at 10:30. I met my writing partner for the first time at 9pm that night and we had until 5am to write a ten minute play utilizing five secret ingredients chosen by the audience of the Internet.

The ingredients were:

A fanny pack
A murderess or a virgin
A character that speaks only in Casablanca quotes
the phrase "Why does everyone always hate me on Wednesdays?"

And something else that I can't remember.

And out of a hat we drew a cast of 1 man and 1 woman.

Here it is.

Does this count as my Christmas Letter?

Hello, Culture of Doing Things.

Many thing are being done.

On Monday Dec 13, the play I wrote Santa Claus-tatrophe is being performed by the nufan ensemble in Chicago, IL.

Sweet right?

And the monologue Being Reasonable is being performed in Madison, WI with Forward Theatre at teh Overture Center for the Arts. This is cool because Christopher Durang and Beth Henley also submitted to this and got it. They only choose 12 entries.

It's like I am a famous playwright too.

word.

Totally Vanity Project Blog

Excitedly distracted by the Minnesota Fringe right now. Last night I saw two shows. Speech! and Rachel Teagle Believes in Ghosts. Now I can't stop looking at the fringe sight, planning my next attacks.

I only have a ten card punch. Every year, I toy with the idea of an Ulta Pass but with a recent brand new fuel pump, the filming of a TV show, screenwriting class and other engagements, I just wouldn't make it work.

Mainly, because if an Ultra pass found its way into my hands I would see a show in every slot since I am results oriented. So to control myself, time and get other things done. I did not get an Ultra pass (but I so want one).

I know tonight I am going to St. Christopher of Financial Aid (after my appearance at Week-long Naughty-billy Hoe-down Smutty Open mic, or what ever the dirty open mic Courtney McClean and the Dirty Curls are hosting this week at Storefront-in-a-Box) and on Sat, seeing The Anton Kissbougel Technique as well as Do Not Kill Me, Killer Robots.

The Uptown Art fair is also going on in my backyard so a million people will be everywhere there too.

And I am a finalist for the TCLimerick contest which is on Sunday, but I am also performing Improv at Impro-A-Go-Go at the same time, so I just need to clone myself by Sunday.

There are more shows I am seeing. 33 and 1/3 dates, I know is one. But I can't remember the others.

This might be a really boring blogpost, but whatever you read it until the end.

Vanity!

Oh, the papparazzi!

Hey! Here is me at the Fringe Fest in August!



And then here I am at the IVEY awards in September!

My, how I've grown.