Summer of Being Famous: I think I might be nearing fall

Have you ever been reading through my blog and thought to yourself, "Hey, I wish I could learn even more about Heather but on a different blog?"


You know it.


Click here.






There you will learn all about me and my relationship with art. There is also a photo of my cat there. 


Michele Campell has created a series of interviews with all types of artists about their life of art. (I am one of the artists!) It's pretty cool. And Michele is pretty cool too, she speaks French. And she is funny. Really funny. 

How to take good pictures: A satire

Don't worry aspiring photographers. There are ten easy rules to taking great pictures. 

I also found a bunch of photos I took, please be impressed with my skills.

Look!



Rules to taking good photos:


1. Take a photo of something really close up. Make sure it is in focus. If it is not in focus then...

Ooh! A close-up of a cut red pepper!

 Doesn't it look like lady parts?

2. Make it black and white. Black and white can turn any crappy photo into a magical metaphor image things.

3. Take a photo of shoes. This is especially important if you want to be a wedding photographer. Shoes equal love and togetherness and family.

4. Take a photo with some type of reflection in a mirror. The mirror can be anything a silver goblet, car mirror, gold tooth.

5. Hands. Any photo of hands is going to win you a Noble Peace Prize for Science. They are that good.

6. Don't forget to take a picture of shoes. Wedding shoes, solider shoes, baby shoes, horseshoes, cement shoes.

Shoes on vacation!

7. Put a fancy something next to a ugly dirty something. Goes better together than chocolate and peanut butter and hay.

8. Have someone jump. Even if they are a mermaid. Especailly if they are a mermaid. People love photos of jumping. Because people never jump in real life.

9. Find a pregnant lady. Make her show you her belly. Put her in any situation (climbing a tree, smelling a brand new car). Take a picture of that.

10. Cats. There never are too many cat photos.

Putting 2011 Fringe to Rest or My show kicked ass

There I am selling Evening Foam.

Official fringe wrap-up and moving on.

I saw 18 shows. That is one more than last year. Good work for me.

By the numbers:

Saw 18 shows

Usher for 6 shows

Performed 6 times

Those are the biggest numbers for my fringing yet. Good work me. Next year, I will try to see twenty shows.

Your Responsibility for Sex Failure also won an encore slot! What's the encore slot, you ask? Well, an encore slot is awarded to the top-selling show of each venue. So We were the top selling show of the Theatre Garage so we got a bonus sixth performance! That was awesome. I am so thankful for everyone who came and helped make that happen.

What else? Metro Magazine wrote a wonderful review of the show! FringeFamous reviewed us too. Sure, they didn’t care too much for the show but it’s a step up from last year when they landed my "On the bottom on the waitlist with no chance of getting the fringe" show as number 2 on the worst titles of the 2010 Fringe.

Looks like I am moving up in the world.


We also go 38 audience reviews! That is 38 people who thought about my show enough later to log on to the internet to share their thoughts about it! That is amazing! Rockstars! 

So what do I do now, after fringe the world keeps asking me? I think I want to buy a Crock Pot. 

Fringe Friday #9: More Uniforms-ity

Plastic children wigs.

Your Responsibility for Sex Failure

Aug 4-14

MN Fringe Festival 2011

Minneapolis Theatre Garage

Uniform News!

What's sexier than a bunch of actors in a sexy show? 

A bunch of actors and a North Star Roller Girl in a show! Actor Daisy Donohue has just be selected as the newest member of the league. So you can see her kick ass onstage and on the track. Daisy plays the lovely, but distant wife, Carla Baldwin in Your Responsibility for Sex Failure.

Men in uniform news!

Also incredibly sexy are men in uniforms.

So get your fix every Friday night at HUGE Improv Theatre seeing Police Cop Detective PI featuring John Haynes who plays the dashing Doctor Baldwin in Your Responsibility for Sex Failure.

More Uniforms!

What's more better than one sexy nurse?

Three sexy nurses.

Yes, on Thursday night the Sex Failure's sexy nurse quotient tripled. Which means more sexy nurse outfits. Nurse uniforms are important, because without a uniform, a sexy nurse is just a sexy naked lady. 


AND THAT IS NOT THE SHOW WE ARE DOING.     At least not yet.

Today, I went to purchase the last of the uniforms at the good old uniform store. After finding the dress and asking about a return policy (since I needed my newest nurse, Mary, [in her debut theatrical role!] to try it on) the clerk asked if I was a professional. In my incredible honesty, I admitted this was for a play which made the clerk freaked out and explain that they had a very generous return policy for professionals. But theatres can suck her dick.  She's convinced that all theatres take photos of uniforms then return them with make-up on. Which I am sure has happened. But if she can tell me what 'real' 'professionals' are wearing nurse dresses not for any form of entertainment (wink, wink) and I'll show you a hospital full of fully insured horny perverts. After I used my incredible sweet talking skills, I managed to eek out a small 48hr return window should the dress not fit. Then I tried to pay for the dress and she needed to see my photo ID (clearly all theatre folk are also ID thefts) to which she replied "this can't possibly be you." She didn't believe it was me in my ID.

In her defense, my driver's license photo looks like this:

And I showed up at the uniform store looking like this:

But I was up all night fighting the indoor rainstorm coming from my ceiling and had a eyebrow wax that left my face with zits where my eyebrows used to be. This is why I usually let my eyebrows roam free, stupid vanity.

I have to admit, initially when she was in disbelief of my photo I thought is was because I looked so good today and so awful in my photo. I explained my ID photo was taken two years ago and I had lost a lot of weight and was wearing different clothes. When really it was because I look really put together in my photo and like a train-wrecked hobo zit-wraith in today's humidity (and usually). 

Whatever, she still let me give her money for a uniform she was certain I was going to try to return later. 

Boing!

I'm so pretty I should be on a podcast

I've declared this summer The Summer of Being Famous.

So of course, I am on a podcast. (I totally misspelled that podcats, which would also be awesome).

I didn't have to do anything especially famousy to be on this podcast, in fact all I had to do was submit my name and phone number to a stranger.

And the result.....

The Better Strangers Podcast hosted by Aric McKeown.



The premise of the podcast is "Socially awkward podcast host Aric McKeown explores his very elementary grasp on the art of conversation with complete strangers." 


The combination of this premise and my own spaz-tastic awkwardness makes for one one-of-a-kind conversation. 


Aric and I had never met, and still have never met but we talked and talked about almost everything, and by everything we mean goats, assumptions and other stuff. 


If you can make it to the 30 minute mark, I think that is where the goat fighting story is.




And you find out how much I hate Tyler. What a jerk. 

Re: Can i trust you with this funds?

I am America

Am I a jerk for not helping this woman out?

She sent me two emails today asking for help. Two emails. One minute apart from each other. She must really need help, especially since the emails were exactly the same. 

Though, I was pretty swayed for a moment when she called me Beloved. And she has a cancerous ailment.

Re: Can i trust you with this funds?

MRS. GHAYTH FAIZA.

23, Hawley Crescent,
Camden Town, London,
NW1 8NP, England.

Dear Beloved,

Here writes Mrs. Ghayth Faiza, suffering from cancerous ailment. I am
married to Watson Ghayth an Arabian who is dead. My husband was into
private practice all his life before his death. Our life together as man
and wife lasted for three decades without a child. My husband died after a
protracted illness. My husband and I made a vow to uplift the down-trodden
and the less-privileged individuals as he had passion for persons who can
not help themselves due to physical disability or financial predicament. I
can adduce this to the fact that he needed a Child from this relationship,
which never came.

When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of Two Million Great
Britain Pound Sterling which were derived from his vast estates and
investment in capital market with his bank here in UK. Presently, this
money is still with the Bank. Recently, my Doctor told me that I have
limited days to live due to the cancerous problems I am suffering from.

Though what bothers me most is the stroke that I have in addition to the
cancer. With this hard reality that has befallen my family and I, I have
decided to donate this fund to you and want you to use this gift which
comes from my husbands effort to fund the upkeep of widows, widowers,
orphans, destitute, the down-trodden, physically challenged children,
barren-women and persons who prove to be genuinely handicapped
financially.

It is often said that blessed is the hand that giveth. I took this
decision because I do not have any child that will inherit this money and
my husband's relatives are bourgeois and very wealthy persons and I do not
want my husband's hard earned money to be misused or invested into ill
perceived ventures. I do not want a situation where this money will be
used in an ungodly manner, hence the reason for taking this bold decision.
I am not afraid of death hence I know where I am going. I know that I am
going to be with the Almighty when I eventually pass on.

The Almighty will fight my case and I shall hold my peace. I do not need
any telephone communication in this regard due to my deteriorating health
and because of the presence of my husband's relatives around me, I do not
want them to know about this development. With God all things are
possible. As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the contact of
the Bank in UK. I will also issue you a Letter of Authority that will
empower you as the original beneficiary of this fund. My happiness is that
I lived a life worthy of emulation. Please always be prayerful all through
your life.

Please assure me that you will act just as I have stated herein. Hope to
hear from you soon and God bless you and members of your family.

Reply to my mail through my email address: mrs-ghaythwatson044@w.cn

Yours Faithfully,

Mrs. Ghayth Faiza
mrs-ghaythwatson044@w.cn

I didn't help her, but I am toying with the idea of using her email address to sign up for email newsletters and coupons. Or I can use it at places that want me to give them my email address for whatever reason. 

I want to sell the spammers to other spammers. Through cannibalism. Spamiblism. 

Yves Klein Blue or Heather Meyer Gold Leaf

Feb 2011: Yves Klein Art Exhibit

Quick review: The art was great. Especially the sponges on sticks. Everything was blue. There were quotes on the wall. I took picture of the quotes. Then a young helpful, underemployed ‘guard’ put the smack down on my photo taking. I pointed out I was taking photos of the vinyl quotes on the wall, not trying to steal the art's soul. I know those are not the art. And it’s not like I am going to steal the quotes and claim them as my own. The quotes have the sayer of the quote right on them. That is what makes them a quote.

Here's the first quote.

The stern sixth grader didn’t by my story, nor thought I was the least bit amusing. I bet if I had farted he would have laughed. Who wouldn’t? So I stopped taking photos. I wanted to take some secret photos just to be brave, but I am too much of a square.

(Some galleries at the photography is allowed, just not at the Yves Klein exhibit, this information is useless since the exhibit closed on Feb 14, unless you have a time machine. If you did have a time machine you probably would screw up and go to a time without camera phones so it wouldn’t matter anyway.)

But I did get a photo of something other than non-art vinyl wall quotes.

Is this Yves Klein's toolbox?

Yves Klein also liked gold leaf. I have a special kinship with gold leaf. 

Another quote!

“Gold lame, just like basic black” I coined that phrase in college.

Let me tell you about gold leaf. I know about gold leaf. I used to be a really important scenic painter. One of my gigs was at Big Fancy Theatre in St. Louis. It was awesome. I was one of four scenic painters. We had a whole warehouse across the pond from the carpentry shop for our painting needs. The whole production side was a theatrical compound with gardens and snakes and bridges! We did three shows that summer, 1776, Big: the Musical and La Cage Aux Folles. 1776 was grey and brown, Big was BLUE (Yves Klein!) and La Cage was purple and GOLD LEAF (Yves Klein!).

I was assigned to gold leaf a beautiful antique sofa that had been reupholstered by Brooke in the prop shop (across the stream). Brooke had ushered the adorable sofa proudly over the bridge to our warehouse in the back. She showed off her upholstering job and skill at making sure the very limited amount of fabric work perfectly the cover the chair. They had used every bit of that fabric they could find! And it was perfect. She was pleased that they had just enough fabric to upholstery this sofa and the matching chairs, because there was not an ounce of that fabric left on the planet.

I had never gold leafed before, but as a smart woman who knows how to read directions, I knew I could handle it. (And Brooke gave me a tutorial).

I was rocking and rolling the gold leaf. Gold leafing is awesome and glamorous! From drab to fab with a little adhesive and gold foil sheets! I filled every little nook and cranny in the intricately carved frame. I was a master! I shall gold leaf the world. And then I dropped a glob of adhesive on the newly upholstered chair.

Again that is:

I dropped a glob of adhesive on the newly upholstered chair that had been upholstered in the last remnants of that particular fabric on earth.

Yikes!

I tried to wipe the glob of adhesive off that was now drying the fabric to a darkened splotch.

Wiping it off, however, just rubbed it in and collected the dirt from my grimy hands in to the sticky adhesive. Now it was worse. 

What the hell was I going to do? This couch was a big deal. A BIG deal. There isn’t a bigger deal than this couch. This production of La Cage Aux Folles was "pull out all the stops" important. And I had just pooped all over it. Permanent, immovable poop.

Double Yikes!

I didn’t want to tell any of my fellow painters. They didn’t need to know, they couldn't fix it.  And if  id did tell them it would just fuel the “Reasons Why Heather Sucks” list compiled by one member of the team.

Reasons Why Heather Sucks List

1: Heather is a broad strokes kind of girl

2. Heather didn’t like to listen to talk radio all day long

3. Heather thought a paint shop was a paint shop

4. Heather was AMAZING at mixing colors

5. Heather usually had a wet paint spot on her clothes at all times

6. Heather made a lot of jokes.

7. Heather spilled paint on the concrete and then cleaned it up.

8. Heather is a happy positive person

9. Heather didn’t use bamboo (as is the industry standard) to paint drops, she just bent over

So to avoid adding to that list and as an honest person, I had to tell someone.

I had to tell Props, it was their prop that I had ruined.

I had to tell Brooke. She was my friend, roommate and the props master. She always has a solution.

Right?

So I put my brave balls on and called a meeting with Brooke. Brooke was understanding and the only thing she could tell me was to avoid doing it again. She said it was pretty unnoticeable. Which is was. And it was onstage, in a proscenium, in a huge theatre. And in a production this afire, a quarter-sized slightly darkened spot was the least distracting thing on stage. 

Right?

Wrong. So so so so so so so so so wrong. Rumor has it the dark stain was the worst thing to ever happen to theatre. Ever. Theatre was dead, and I had killed it. There was no solution, no throw blanket or pillow could cover it, it was un-cover-up-able. The show was ruined.

Or was it? 

Nah. Nothing can stop a musical. It was an awesome show, with amazing performances and blah, blah, blah achievements all the way around.

Here's the couch in action!

That poor actor had to hold his knee up over the couch the whole show.

So Walker Art Center, let me take photos of the quotes on your walls or I might drip gold leaf adhesive all over you and ruin make you think I ruined your life but in fact improved everything in the world.

Disclaimer: I think I am allowed to public tell this story now because the statute of limitations on scenic painting crimes has expired. And because everything turned out OK.

Newest hobby

I've recently taken up hooping. And by "recently", I mean Jan 1, 2011. And by 'taken up" I mean sometimes I do it. And by "hooping" I mean hula-hoops.

Hooping is a thing. In five years, it will be like sparkle vampires are now. A little tired but totally accepted. (Please forgive me for the totally tired but accepted joke about sparkle vampires).

There is a documentary either in the making, soon to be released or already in Netflix queues call The Hooping Life. I haven't seen it, obviously, or I would know if it was in production/in theatres/or in queues. I've only gone so far as to "Like" it on Facebook.

Hooping is non-competitive. Which is why I only do it sometimes. I have two hoops. My first hoop is green and orange (my most favorite colors) actually; they are more like GREEN and ORANGE! It is super bright and it is collapsible. It was HUGE because I am new but I cut it down with a tool because I am a DIY-er like that.

My friend Laura introduced me to hooping. Here is her blog www.adventuresinhooping.com. She writes another blog I love so much at www.theyogachicken.com . Yesterday I gave her another chicken. From North Dakota. It was really flat (both the chicken and the state).

Remember when I said I was a DIY-er? Hooping is all about DIY. You don't buy a hoop; you make one (or have one made and buy it from them). That is what real hoopers do. Well, my friend Naomi and I have a plan to make hoops. We are armed with YouTube tutorials and enthusiasm. And a bunch of colored gaff tape.

My other hoop! I didn't tell you about it. It is my Ab blaster it is bigger and weighted. I love it the most because I feel like it is doing work while I am having fun. (As opposed to just having fun, sometimes I am too efficient).

Hooping. The other hip thing to do (That is a good pun because of hip like cool, and hip like hippie and hip as in the part of your body).

Your Responsibility for Sex Failure in the MN Fringe Festival!

I am creating a fringe show. Mark your calendars now for Aug 4-14. It is going to be amazing. Seriously, I am so excited for this show that I can't control it. I get sweaty excited about it. Which is better than sweaty nervous. Maybe it is a little sweaty nervous. But mainly excited nervous because look:

Yeah, that is real. That is so real. That is so real that I get sweaty excited about it. This magazine is the show. Or a part of the show, we have like 30 of the magazines. So much raw material that we are going to melt faces so off that they will reform and look like regular faces again, only awesome-er. Your Responsibility for Sex Failure (playing at the Minneapolis Theatre Garage Aug 4-14), is a hilarious romp through the melodramatic articles of a 1960's women's magazine, including the print ad and letters to the editor. It is going to be so great. Stay tuned in the next few weeks for more news! But I will leave you with this:

More Roots with Eyes

I think they might be planning something

Carrots with Eyes!

I got invited to the Monster Ball and had not a thing to wear

I have been to only a few concerts. What I consider concerts are events with people/groups/bands/dancelines that I have heard of before said concert, because I know nothing about musics. I'm sure I've seen other stuff too, right? I don't know, but I am talking about stand-in-a-big-line-with-a-printed-ticket-stuff.

Concerts I have been to:

1999 Goo-Goo Dolls-I was in college and we wore black vynl jackets because that was cool. However, since everyone was hyper vigilante about people in matching jackets since the Columbine Shooting, you can figure it out.

2000 Weird Al Yankovic-Met a boyfriend there. Al wore a lot of costumes.

2007 Rob Zombie and Ozzy Osborne-It was on Halloween and I went dressed as Daphne from Scooby Doo, accompanied by a friend dressed as Velma. We were not threatening enough to be at that concert. At least we got to eat bacon wrapped things in a private box thing. Rob Zombie had a lot of fire. Ozzie had a foam shooting gun and almost fell down and a crew member ran out to catch him.

2008 They Might be Giants-That was at First Avenue, that means I am hip in Minneapolis

2010 Lady Gaga-That was a show. Naomi and I were so fashiony, read more by clicking this link! I went dressed like this:

Yeah, does that eyeball necklace look familiar? You're right!  Go here! And that is shiny duck tape, good eye! Who is that guy back there?

There's Naomi! Where are her pants!!!!

I don't know.

Dinosaur eyes!

Obligatory concert shots from the inside!!!!!!!!!!

There's the opening band Semi Precious Weapons. Which I want to call Fully Precious Puss-n-Boots Frankenstein.

Best Quotes from Naomi of the night:

"I feel like I need more shit in my hair."

and "Shut up! This is the plot!" as Gaga and her dancers were acting out the story line.

Pretty awesome.

Free flavored things I was given this week.

The week of flavored things.

Flavor thing #1.

Butter flavored lip balm from the Star Tribune booth at the MN State Fair.

Flavor thing #2.

Mint flavored condom from Courtney McClean and The Dirty Curls' Grand Ole Orgy at the Bryant Lake Bowl.

Flirt!!!!!!!

The internet let me do it again!

This time I tell you how to translate fishing strategies into flirting strategies!

GO here!

M. Night Shamalyan of the Living dead or Heather has a film screening

Last night,  my first film Zombie Sweater had its public premeier as one of the top ten finalist in the Women's Stand Up and Shoot comedic film competition.

I was pretty excited.

When I got the program and began reading all the bios of the other finalists I began to think, "Wow, Minnesota is filled with a lot of established female filmmakers, I don't recgonize anyone's name." There are Sundance awards winners listed there, Script comepetiion winners and all sorts of awesome and me, who in my bio wrote "This is Heather's first film."

Then I saw the films. They were all amazing. I was so impressed, I wished anyone of them were mine.
I thought again, "Wow, I didn't realize that there is so much great female filmmaking talent in MInnesota, where did she find a palm tree and a beach?"

Then I learned that this was not a Minnesota only film contest, it was a national film contest. NATIONAL. As in other states and places where there are filmmakers entered. And my silly film about sweaters is in the top ten!

For real?

Yes!!!!

My first film was fun enough to be in the top ten? That make me feel awesome! I tell people when they see it that it is obvious it is my first film but I say, if it was a school project you know it would have gotten me an A+ right?

Right!

So even though I didn't take home any Oscars (gold or flesh, sorry Oscar.) I feel really great about being in the top ten, hey it's my first film! I was so pleased to be included in the amazingly talent group of women of last night. Again, the films were so good.

So good in fact, you will be able to see them all on rooftopcomedy.com. I don't know if the films are up there yet, but they will be.


Meanwhile.........watch Zombie Sweater! Right now!!!!!!

Now I know you knew I knew something.

Now I can give all of you advice.

The most important advice in the world.


Flirting advice. Go here, read, learn.

Not Everything I Make is a Mess

I have a secret skill.

Wrapping wedding gifts!

Tiny disco balls! I know, right?

But really my skill is in recognizing that I am terrible at using actual wrapping paper so much that anything I wrap in paper looks like a bloated diaper on an old shuffling man. (Yes, he must be shuffling. He has to be shuffling because his diaper has been wrapped around him incorrectly and is three 'uses' past changing."

I have poor fine motor skills. My physical therapist mother says that I am low-toned. I don't know what that means, but I think it means I am good with the big crayons, not with fine pens.

And wedding presents are all about looking nice because they aren't opening them at the party. The presents  have to look good through the whole party. This isn't Christmas or a birthday party, there is no tearing into gifts.

And I have this thing that weddings are all about me trying to get as much attention for myself on someone else's big day. 

So what do I do?  Buy pretty boxes and glue stuff on them.

This creation was one of my best and easiest so far, except I forgot to take it to the reception so it is sitting in the trunk of my car. The trunk of my car is not a good location for something to try to maintain its stunning luster. Now it will turn out like a blind dolphin's craft project (Yes, a blind dolphin. A blind dolphin still has all the intelligence of a real dolphin but it can't see so it isn't good at crafts. And it has flippers. Flippers are not good for crafts.)

Stupid dolphin box.

Top of Queue: Adam Richman

I have a crush on Adam Richman, which is slightly more sane than the crush that lead to the great Fake Date with a Semi-Married Man of 2009.

But back to Adam Richman, the host of Travel Channel's Man v. Food show. Adam is enthusiastic, friendly, social and a culinary adventurer. I am also those things. He's appealing in a man-who-can-eat-giant-cheeseburgers kind of way. But he's not a bow(e)lful of jelly, even though his job is to eat massive amounts of saturated fats. Does that make sense? Probably not, Google him, you'll see.

http://www.travelchannel.com/TV_Shows/Man_V_Food/About_The_Show/Meet_Adam_Richman

And he has a Master's degree from the Yale School of Drama. I tried to get a Master's degree from the Yale School of Drama and they gave me a fancy letter saying 'there were many qualified applicants this year...' instead. I'll frame that and put that on my wall; Resumebuilder!

But I think I might be mainly attracted to his job. The premise of his show is to eat all the crazy challenges that restaurants invent like 'eat this giant burger made of a live goat in two minutes' or "eat these wings covered in battery acid for a t-shirt." He takes on those challenges. He doesn't always win.

Secretly, now publicly, I want to have that show. I would lose a lot, but I would win more than expected.

Case in point:

I recently went to New Orleans and had two goals; to eat a muffaletta sandwich and drink a sazerac. A sazerac is made like this:

• 3 oz rye whiskey
• 3/4 oz simple syrup
• Peychaud bitters to taste
• absinthe or absinthe substitute
• lemon twist for garnish

http://cocktails.about.com/od/s/r/szrc_cktl.htm

And a muffaletta:

1 10" round loaf Italian bread with Sesame seeds
1 Recipe Olive Salad
1/4 lb Genoa Salami
1/4 lb Ham
1/4 lb Mortadella
1/4 lb Mozzarella
1/4 lb Provolone
http://neworleanscuisine.blogspot.com/2005/03/muffuletta-recipe.html


In the resturant, I was given a look when I ordered the sazerac, a look that said, "you are going to need to be carried out of here, little lady.' And then when I ordered a whole not half muffeletta sandwich, I got another look that said, "Out of towner, you know nothing and now I have to carry a sandwich out here that is heavy and you will not finish."

I noticed those looks. And knew what the unspoken challenge/doubt was. I had to eat that entire sandwich and drink my drink of demons.

The sandwich was huge, think about a football size loaf of bread and stuff it full of rich meats, cheeses and olives. Very filling.

And the sazerac made me do the head shake everytime I drank it.

I cut the sandwich in quarters and began eating, I could tell each time the waiter came out to check on us he was checking on my progress on my mountain range of sandwich. Soon I was down to one last quarter of sandwich, and I was full. So I downed the rest of my sazerac and put the last bit of sandwich in my purse. I didn't need to eat until I was uncomfortable, but I did hide the sandwich so the server would think I had eaten it all. And he did, he was so excited that he told me, 'Rarely does anyone order a whole let alone finish the  whole muffaletta, I (the server) can't even make it through half."

I knew I was sightly fraudulent, but I know my abilities and I made his day. And he wasn't ugly.

Back to my eating challenges. When I went to Jimmy Buffet's Margaritaville in Cozumel.

Here is me and my mom! We are pirates!

(I know it is upside down, turn your laptop over, dummy)

After the pre-dinner chips and watery ketchup salsa were brought out, I asked for the spicer salsa that was offered but not brought out (because my mom is afraid of spices, but she did tell me she uses oregano.). The server looked at me as if I was a wet kitten and said, "We use jalapenos in that ma'am.'

My pale skin shone brightly and my northern prairie woman features tightened: this was another, underestimating challenge.

"Bring it out." I said, knowing now I would not only have to eat the salsa, but eat all of the salsa and wear the bowl as a dental dam. (too much?)

The salsa did show up and it was very spicy. And I ate all of it.

Here I am before the salsa and in the middle of a festive drink

Not because I was that hungry, but because I was that proud.




Naomi thought this blog should just be a photo of Adam Richman with kissy lips all over it. Obviously, I am way deeper than that and I don't know how to use Photoshop.