Olympics: Why am I not wearing Gold Medals?

What can I take up at the ripe age of 27?

I think rowing or picking up seashells. I like beaches, weather is never too hot for me, I like oceans, I have no problem leaning down and becoming upright again, sand between my toes is cool and I can totally walk with my head down for long periods of time if needed.

Looks like I probably have to become an Olympic beachcomber.

I've already mastered walking in Earth shoes with Kalso Negative Heel Technology, which mimics walking in stand and thusly encourages the body into a more natural and healthy posture. I figure I can wear my Earth shoes to cross train in the winter. I will wear the Earth shoes in the snow and increase the effect. Then walking in sand will be like floating.

I can practice picking up seashells by picking up lost change on the street or sidewalk. This extra dough will finance my training program and help fund my beach combing uniform, unless the country pays for that. I'm not sure on all the logistics of being on an Olympic team just yet.

Yes, I am aware that Beachcombing is a difficult sport to break into, especially with all those island nations out there. I will use that to my advantage, I spend most of my year buried in snow with is just as difficult to walk in and has that annoying squeaking crunching sound, so when I show up all pasty white on the Olympic beach the other Olympians will under-estimate me, but I will find all the seashells! Take that other nations! The USA Beachcombing team of 2012 is going take home the gold!

2008: The Year I plus an Amazing Acting Tip

Fainted. For real. I fainted. 

I never figured myself as the type with 'the vapors' but proved myself wrong. I was in rehearsal, ready for my 'kill the baby' line and felt so very tired. I remember thinking 'I will just bend my knees a little' then a black curtain showed up and I was having a great dream about the show until I was woken up and pissed off that I was in a gymnasium not my bed. I thought, 'why are all these people in my bedroom?', then I thought, 'Oh, it's Saturday at 7:30, I am in rehearsal, how am I on the floor, my teeth hurt.' I guess everyone thought I was 'acting' when I face planted in to the floor but when I missed my line they realized I wasn't that good of an actor. Paramedics were called, fainting the diagnosis. Now I am hyper aware of myself. Any feeling of tiredness I am concerned my knees might go out again, which wouldn't be too bad since the dream was really nice. 

I understand why people faint for fake now or feel faint for fake. (Warning Amazing Acting Tip) What a great way to get attention, out of whatever you were doing and an excuse for almost anything! And for actors, fake feeling faint or fake fainting provides an excellent opportunity to test one's skill at acting physical distress without needing actual symptoms. During your exercise in fake fainting you can gauge your success at acting by how much attention you are receiving from those around you. The more concern=The better the acting!

Happy Acting!

Current Nostalgia: Reading Out Loud

Paragraph Reader!

Learning by reading paragraphs. I guess it works. Not for learning but for counting. IN elementary school to achieve the double whammy of practicing reading aloud and absorbing whatever new information we were learning at the time. The teachers would have us all open our books to the same pages and go around the room each reading a paragraph at a time. I don't know about anyone else but I would always count ahead to what paragraph I would be reading to see how long it was and if there were any words I didn't know in it. If there were words I didn't know the I would scan the previous paragraphs to see if the word appeared earlier and then wait for whoever was reading that paragraph to pronounce or mispronounce the word to save face when I had to read it. If the word appeared for the first time in my paragraph I would then fret and explore the ways to say it, sounding it out, guessing what it rhymed with or practicing my "I don't care if I say it wrong, you try to get it right inflection". The pre-counting of paragraphs didn't always work. Sometimes paragraphs are only one or two sentences long and then I didn't know if the reader would read the super short paragraph only or read the next one as well. Sometimes the teacher wanted the student to read more than the short paragraph. This always messed up the count. I then would have to prepare myself for reading any number of paragraphs, not knowing how the super short paragraphs would be treated. Another wrench in this plan is not knowing the direction the student to student reading will go, up and down rows, across tables, in a circle, I never knew so I had to determine the pattern of reading first, or guess it. I don't remember actually learning anything from the out loud reading other than how to strategize my potential paragraph.

Once I got to high school, I thought that panic was over.

And yet, this is how I am trained in my pretend job. If I am not being read to from a text heavy PowerPoint slide, I am reading aloud paragraph by paragraph in a group of adults. Doing the same things of course, counting ahead to see what paragraph will be for me to be able to prepare myself and impress everyone with my reading out loud skills.

Good thing I can pronounce more words now.

Honestly Vermont Ugly It Up

Vermont. Choked with pretty. Everywhere I look is a
perfect postcard. I want to lick a stamp the size of
Rhode Island and stick it on Vermont. It is just
Vermont too, sure new Hampshire is nice, but when you
cross the state line it to New Hampshire is there a
speckled doe standing on the edge of the forest at
4:00 in the afternoon? I don't think so. I am sure
that deer is paid to be there because what deer in
their right mind stands next to a highway during the
day, not looking to dart in front of a car? But still,
it was there. And the hippies! Crocheted stocking hats
on adults and children, flowing skirts, sandals,
vegetarian options and wheelchairs with giant
hand-woven baskets attached. They were even teaching
the children dowsing on the State Capital lawn.
Dowsing! Public education and the government endorsing
such a hippie activity!
But the pretty. I can't even imagine the pretty in the
fall with the colors and the leaves. I would explode
and my glistening inners hanging from the majestic
gold, amber and bronze leaves would only make the
pretty even more inspiring and beautiful. My scarlet
blood only enhancing the warm tones of the burr oak
leaves.

But spring in the Vermont is stunning enough, light
green budding trees laced through gray-brown bare
branches with deep green evergreens punctuating the
display. Talk about composition! It is like a freaking
design school project. Foreground, background, rule of
thirds, depth, landscape, focal points, in Vermont any
moron with a camera is Ansel Adams.

Vermont is where all movies should be filmed and where
foreign visitors can only go. The pretty will improve
the world's view of America, the hippies will dispel
the notion of fat stupid Americans and the pretty will
make everyone want to be nice to us, like how people
are nice to pretty girls, even if they are stupid.

Vermont. Who knew they had the entire pretty?

Paper Bag Monster!

So unassuming brown paper bag, beneath your crinkly,
dry, flammable form stews a commanding evil force.
Beware the wrath of the monster of paper bag! Or at
least carry your lunch inside!

Inbox Delight: Unsolicited Pork Shoulder

Bigger Copulation Organ in Two Weeks.

That is what spammer Georgette Kerns is offering me. I will have to turn down her offer but I am impressed with the use of a book of synonyms, often including related and contrasting words and antonyms to entice consumers. I guess she's trying to reach a higher, less crude class of under-representative copulation organs. 

Two weeks, huh? Sounds like a deal.