The Culture of Doing Things

Face for Radio: Part 2

2012-01-22T22:06:00.000-06:00

So I am a little famous again.

They let me be on the radio!!!!

Yep, I was an Art Hound for Minnesota Public Radio this week. I talked about the show Dirty Girls Come Clean: The Return produced by Freshwater Theatre and playing at Nimbus Theatre this weekend and next. I am pretty excited about this show because it sounds awesome and it is stuffed full of amazing performers. Like a turkey but you won't fall asleep.

And yes, I totally say that I am a woman in general. Which is now the name of my unwritten one-woman show. Heather Meyer: Generally a Woman. Buy your tickets now. Maybe I should start a Kickstarter about it. Hmmm...

Gluten-Free Day Two.

2012-01-22T06:00:00.000-06:00

I am doing the gluten-free thing for 30 days to see how that helps my gut party. I assume it will. But I have been nervous about taking this step and keep finding myriad of ways to postpone it. Then, in an after school special fashion, I decided to get real, and Jan 20th was the start of my 30 days of gluten-free. I am doing fine, obviously I am in the freak out beginning stages where EVERYTHING IS A BIG DEAL and I am sweaty in the pits about asking for gluten-free menu items. Yesterday I had a lunch date at Ruby Tuesdays, where my date asked for the gluten-free menu for me! And they had one. It was awesome. I celebrated that evening by ordering a gluten-free pizza from Pizza Luce! (I actually ordered two so I would have leftovers to help myself when I was hungry and weak at home to have a gluten-free snack/meal). So that was exciting. It is weird that I keep looking for restaurants to satisfy my food needs. Especially, when I get a bi-weekly CSA delivery of fresh veggies and normally make my own meals. I think it is the excitement of gluten-free has got me riled up.

So you know, it really isn't a big deal. I am finding that being GF does require a constant vigilance that both President Bush and Mad-Eye Moody would approve of. Gluten is in everything! I know, right? What a great agent gluten has, I mean, how does gluten even have the time to be in all of these foods, doesn't it have a life to lead or a family to hang out with? The answer is no, gluten is just gluten it doesn't have anything else to do but show up in sauces and seasonings and stuff.

That's all I got so far. I have armed myself with Larabars and GF recipes to keep myself on track. Godspeed gut.

Time capsule! June 28th, 2009

2012-01-03T22:11:00.001-06:00

Me as the best Maid of Honor ever.

It is awesome when I find essays buried deep in my computer. Here you go!

June 28, 2009

TheInternet just informed me that my epic High School/Grade school/Beyond Crushwas married in January. He is married. This really affects me. Why? I don’tknow. I guess I always thought of him as a safe fantasy. But now he is married.I felt this way when Miss Eternal-Bags-Under-Her-Eyes took him to the prom. Whydoes the Internet know everything? Not that I ever really talked to this guyother than stammering self-consciously in 11th grade English class during anassignment about what would one need on a desert island. I said a swimmingpool. I also remember having the fly on my black corduroy pants be down next tohim during a movie in 10th grade and trying to figure out a subtle way to zipmy fly back up, realizing now he wasn't ever looking at me and I could havejust zipped it up and no one would have ever know but now I am telling theinternet. I feel like I just missed some sort of deadline, like had I Googledhim earlier, he would never have gotten married and could stay forever in myhead as the guy I totally could have been with if I really wanted to. But he ismarried. I never would have guessed it. But I should have figured it out I haveexcellent taste. But I am a little bit vulnerable since I am coming off thebest friend’s wedding thing where I was the most attractive and least marriedof all the bridesmaids and the only person that wanted to dance with me was thegay friend of the groom. I just wanted some Internet comfort food, some gazingat my untouchable crush and then he goes and gets married. Who am I to pine fornow?

This isworse than my apartment manager thinking I have morning sickness when really Iam doubled over from the lactose in the Caribou Coffee chai tea.

Oh, 2009. I am so glad you are gone.

New favorite things and places to find me on the internet and real life

2011-12-03T22:55:00.001-06:00

I have a lot of new favorite things right now. The least of which has been blogging. Don't you find it weird that when a neglected blog is updated that the blogger feels obligated to acknowledge or even apologize for their absence? Like I am doing right now.

Clearly, I have be so busy doing all of my new favorite things that I couldn't possible be expected to remember to blog all my delicate important observance into internet form. I mean I can't even muster up the energy (or confidence) to make a Facebook status update. (though Twitter that is another story, I am convinced I am pretty anonymous on Twitter so it takes less energy. And people talk less about food on there. So it is mildly more entertaining.)

Back on track here, new favorite things. Here they are:

sadplaywright.com

This is the premiere collection of sad playwrights in the world. If you need a play written, you need a sad playwright. Go there. Find a sad one. Create art. I even have a profile, even though the only sad I really ever am is occasionally a Seasonal Affective Disorder sufferer, but I can still be brooding.

Off-Book at HUGE Improv Theater produced by Emily Schmidt

This show is so much fun and I see a lot of shows. It is the perfect combination of scripted and improv combining an improviser with an actor who has memorized one half of a script. And then they perform the scene. It is like the short form improv game "blind line" but one step further. Get your tickets early, it has been selling out and Huge sells beers too! The show runs Saturdays at 8pm until January 7 and clear your life for December 17th because that is when I perform.

Collections of comedic memoir essay books that make a passing reference to Alan Rickman

I read two books these week. Free Fire Zone by Teresa Rebeck and Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? by Mindy Kaling and both of these awesome books make a super tiny reference to Alan Rickman!
Note to self: When I write my book of comedic memoir essay make a tiny reference to Alan Rickman.
Note to everyone else: Don't be intimidated, I know by writing that I read two books this week makes me sound like a powerhouse of literature, but really I finished one book this week and then immediately started the other, I am not a machine I have improv shows to spaz out in.

Pretending I am a doctor

Imagine a paper cut, then replace the paper with a 1/4 inch think plane of straight glass and that is what is one my thumb. I cut it on Thursday. There was a lot of blood. I covered it with three bandages and ate some figs hoping that would fix everything. It is pretty deep, maybe it needed stitches but maybe not. So now I am doing a lot of doctoring with butterfly bandages, iodine and thumb immobilization. It looks like it is working. It is pretty fun taking care of my wounded thumb, this must be what it's like to have a child. I hope my thumb gets into a good college.

Delayed Winter

As I write this the first 'real' snowfall is happening in Minneapolis. By 'real' I mean a snowfall that will possibly hang around until March. We had a brief ice storm a few weeks ago but it melted away. But up until today, it was like summer all the time. I don't even know where my snow pants are yet! It has been really, really wonderful. And has put everyone in a great mood. This snow still could melt, I think it might. I also believe winter is over on March 1st because of physics.

There you go, my new favorite things!

Summer of Being Famous: I think I might be nearing fall

2011-09-05T09:13:00.000-05:00

Have you ever been reading through my blog and thought to yourself, "Hey, I wish I could learn even more about Heather but on a different blog?"

You know it.

Click here.

There you will learn all about me and my relationship with art. There is also a photo of my cat there.

Michele Campell has created a series of interviews with all types of artists about their life of art. (I am one of the artists!) It's pretty cool. And Michele is pretty cool too, she speaks French. And she is funny. Really funny.

Summer of bring Famous: Famous People I know

2011-08-28T14:30:00.000-05:00

2011 is the summer of being famous. And who is more famous than my friends? No one!

Here is Brian and Brooke on their home makeover show!

http://twincitieslive.com/article/stories/s2250433.shtml?cat=10698

Here is more of Brooke on the same show:

http://twincitieslive.com/article/stories/S2250498.shtml?cat=10744

Famous. I know them.

How to take good pictures: A satire

2011-08-27T11:30:00.000-05:00

Don't worry aspiring photographers. There are ten easy rules to taking great pictures.

I also found a bunch of photos I took, please be impressed with my skills.

Look!

Rules to taking good photos:

1. Take a photo of something really close up. Make sure it is in focus. If it is not in focus then...

Ooh! A close-up of a cut red pepper!

Doesn't it look like lady parts?

2. Make it black and white. Black and white can turn any crappy photo into a magical metaphor image things.

3. Take a photo of shoes. This is especially important if you want to be a wedding photographer. Shoes equal love and togetherness and family.

4. Take a photo with some type of reflection in a mirror. The mirror can be anything a silver goblet, car mirror, gold tooth.

5. Hands. Any photo of hands is going to win you a Noble Peace Prize for Science. They are that good.

6. Don't forget to take a picture of shoes. Wedding shoes, solider shoes, baby shoes, horseshoes, cement shoes.

Shoes on vacation!

7. Put a fancy something next to a ugly dirty something. Goes better together than chocolate and peanut butter and hay.

8. Have someone jump. Even if they are a mermaid. Especailly if they are a mermaid. People love photos of jumping. Because people never jump in real life.

9. Find a pregnant lady. Make her show you her belly. Put her in any situation (climbing a tree, smelling a brand new car). Take a picture of that.

10. Cats. There never are too many cat photos.

Putting 2011 Fringe to Rest or My show kicked ass

2011-08-22T21:58:00.000-05:00

There I am selling Evening Foam.

Official fringe wrap-up and moving on.

I saw 18 shows. That is one more than last year. Good work for me.

By the numbers:

Saw 18 shows

Usher for 6 shows

Performed 6 times

Those are the biggest numbers for my fringing yet. Good work me. Next year, I will try to see twenty shows.

Your Responsibility for Sex Failure also won an encore slot! What's the encore slot, you ask? Well, an encore slot is awarded to the top-selling show of each venue. So We were the top selling show of the Theatre Garage so we got a bonus sixth performance! That was awesome. I am so thankful for everyone who came and helped make that happen.

What else? Metro Magazine wrote a wonderful review of the show! FringeFamous reviewed us too. Sure, they didn’t care too much for the show but it’s a step up from last year when they landed my "On the bottom on the waitlist with no chance of getting the fringe" show as number 2 on the worst titles of the 2010 Fringe.

Looks like I am moving up in the world.

We also go 38 audience reviews! That is 38 people who thought about my show enough later to log on to the internet to share their thoughts about it! That is amazing! Rockstars!

So what do I do now, after fringe the world keeps asking me? I think I want to buy a Crock Pot.

Fringe for real: A simple listing

2011-08-08T16:14:00.000-05:00

Fringe is happening. All over my face.

I have seen 11 shows so far and Sex Failure has had two performances. I am really proud of the cast and crew of Your Responsibility for Sex Failure and I am so proud of the audience too. They are handsome. It seems like everyone is having fun, and that is our whole deal. Come hang out with us and have fun times. Three more perfromances. Click here. to buy tickets. The press has been very generous to us. Thank you Metro Mag, MSP/ST. Paul Mag and all the audience reviews and Tweets! I am blown away by the encouragement.

These are the shows I saw in the order I saw them:

Comedy=Tragedy+Someone Else
I'm Totally President
Once Upon a Time in the Suburbs
Tempests
Brainfighters
Our Freaking Kids Show
Losing My Religion: Confessions of a New Age Refugee
Hamluke
Death Perception
Hauser Dance Unraveled
Anglina is a Zionist Whore or Plan 9 from Baghdad

If you want to know my opinion of these shows, you shall buy me a drink or a sandwich. Because I liked talking to people in person. You should talk to me in a person way. However, I will tell you that none of these shows sucked. So go check them out.

Fringe Friday #11: It's totally Fringe

2011-08-04T12:53:00.000-05:00

Friday Friday #11: It totally fringe.

I missed posting last Friday because I was in a wedding in North Dakota. A different kind of madness.

But today is the first day of fringe. It is happening. There is no stopping it. We at Your Responsibility for Sex Failure wish every one a Merry Christmas. I mean, Jolly Good Fringe Times.

Your Responsibility for Sex Failure opens tomorrow at 7pm at the Minneapolis Theatre Garage. On Lyndale and Franklin. Across the street from Rudoph's, in Uptown, where moto-i as Fringe Central is. You have no excuse not to go.

Look at this: Show Trailer!

Your Responsibility for Sex Failure (Trailer) from Amber Johnson on Vimeo.

Did you already see this:

Our Fringe-for-All Preview!

See you later!

Fringe Friday #10: A day early with video embeds!

2011-07-21T01:05:00.001-05:00

Your Responsibility for Sex Failure

created by Heather Meyer and Mary Certain

Minnesota Fringe Festival 2011

Minneapolis Theatre Garage

Aug 4-14

Fringe-for-all number #1 happened on Monday! 30 companies had 3 minutes each to preview their upcoming fringe shows. In the audience, we had programs listing the performers and space to write notes.

I totally took notes. But I can't read them now, since I wrote them in the dark. Actually, I can't read them because I can't read my own handwriting.

But if you weren't there, here are some videos of the previews.

The Rambler Family Ramblers Final Christmas Reunion Spectacular!

And Uptown: The Musical

I saw this show during it's run this spring, if you like bikes you'll love it. If you don't like bikes, get the hell out of Uptown.

I am too lazy to post any more videos. You can see them all at http://www.youtube.com/mnfringehttp://www.youtube.com/mnfringe

or just come to Fringe-for-All #2 on July 25th at Mixed Blood Theatre, we'll be there. Maybe the doctor can give you a check-up.

Fringe Friday #9: More Uniforms-ity

2011-07-17T00:36:00.003-05:00

Plastic children wigs.

Your Responsibility for Sex Failure

Aug 4-14

MN Fringe Festival 2011

Minneapolis Theatre Garage

Uniform News!

What's sexier than a bunch of actors in a sexy show?

A bunch of actors and a North Star Roller Girl in a show! Actor Daisy Donohue has just be selected as the newest member of the league. So you can see her kick ass onstage and on the track. Daisy plays the lovely, but distant wife, Carla Baldwin in Your Responsibility for Sex Failure.

Men in uniform news!

Also incredibly sexy are men in uniforms.

So get your fix every Friday night at HUGE Improv Theatre seeing Police Cop Detective PI featuring John Haynes who plays the dashing Doctor Baldwin in Your Responsibility for Sex Failure.

More Uniforms!

What's more better than one sexy nurse?

Three sexy nurses.

Yes, on Thursday night the Sex Failure's sexy nurse quotient tripled. Which means more sexy nurse outfits. Nurse uniforms are important, because without a uniform, a sexy nurse is just a sexy naked lady.

AND THAT IS NOT THE SHOW WE ARE DOING. At least not yet.

Today, I went to purchase the last of the uniforms at the good old uniform store. After finding the dress and asking about a return policy (since I needed my newest nurse, Mary, [in her debut theatrical role!] to try it on) the clerk asked if I was a professional. In my incredible honesty, I admitted this was for a play which made the clerk freaked out and explain that they had a very generous return policy for professionals. But theatres can suck her dick. She's convinced that all theatres take photos of uniforms then return them with make-up on. Which I am sure has happened. But if she can tell me what 'real' 'professionals' are wearing nurse dresses not for any form of entertainment (wink, wink) and I'll show you a hospital full of fully insured horny perverts. After I used my incredible sweet talking skills, I managed to eek out a small 48hr return window should the dress not fit. Then I tried to pay for the dress and she needed to see my photo ID (clearly all theatre folk are also ID thefts) to which she replied "this can't possibly be you." She didn't believe it was me in my ID.

In her defense, my driver's license photo looks like this:

And I showed up at the uniform store looking like this:

But I was up all night fighting the indoor rainstorm coming from my ceiling and had a eyebrow wax that left my face with zits where my eyebrows used to be. This is why I usually let my eyebrows roam free, stupid vanity.

I have to admit, initially when she was in disbelief of my photo I thought is was because I looked so good today and so awful in my photo. I explained my ID photo was taken two years ago and I had lost a lot of weight and was wearing different clothes. When really it was because I look really put together in my photo and like a train-wrecked hobo zit-wraith in today's humidity (and usually).

Whatever, she still let me give her money for a uniform she was certain I was going to try to return later.

Boing!

Fringe Friday #8: Quiz: Are you the perfect wife?

2011-07-11T23:21:00.002-05:00

Your Responsibility for Sex Failure

Presented by Vintage Remix

MN Fringe 2011

Minneapolis Theatre Garage

Aug 4-14

As part of this very special belated Fringe Friday blog, I am sharing with you a quiz from Home Chat magazine circa 1961

Are you the Perfect Wife?

I also provide my scores and commentary in blue, so prospective suiters know what kind of wife I have the potential to be.

The answers will be in red, so keep a tally of your score as you go!

Let's get started!

Quizzes are fun, and they tell us a lot about ourselves that we might not otherwise own up to. This one sets out to show you how you line up as a marriage partner.

Lock yourself away quietly somewhere, and answer each question honestly, putting the answers down on paper.

When you score (we'll tell you how to do that at the end of the quiz) you'll know just how successful you are as your husband's 'better half"

1. Which of these age groups do you consider the ideal time for a woman to get married?

a) below 22

b) between 22 and 27

c) over twenty-seven Heather's Answer C.

If you chose b, give yourself 1 point!

2. When there's and outing in view, are you of the opinion that a wife should...

a) Choose the play, film or whatever it is?

b) be asked her opinion before the outing is planned? I chose this one.

c) be ready to like whatever her husband chooses?

Get one point for answer b!

3. Sleep is a time when the sub-conscious runs free and behavior at that time tells many a story of the emotions.

a) do you dream a lot?

b) do you consistently over-sleep, though you're aware that it's time to get up? Me =b

c) do you wake up and lie for a while, planning the day?

1 point for answer c!

4. On the subject of marriage, do you consider that...

a) the advantages are mutual? They better be. A.

b) The primary purpose of marriage is the legal protection of women?

c) marriage is a social and religious necessity?

Give yourself a point for answer a.

5. There is a woman behind every successful man,’ assuming this to be true, would you say that the ideal wife should…

a) concentrate on looking after the creature comforts of her husband?

b) assist him in his work by learning all she can about it?

c) remain in the background because of the danger of nagging at the one extreme and rivalry of talent at the other?

I had no answer for this one.

Score 1 point if you answered a!

6. Like most men, you husband had a number of girl-friends before he met you; some were serious affairs; others mere flirtations. If you both met one of these old flames, still unmarried, would you...

a) demand to know how serious the affair was?

b) laugh at the possibility of such a woman ever being a rival to you? Yup, I am conceited. b.

c) arrange things to that you never meet again?

Score 1 point for answer a!

7. At the annual dance of your husband’s firm, with whom do you consider your husband should dance first?

a) the boss’s wife—because it would probably enhance his position in the firm?

b) his secretary, as the girl obviously hopes he will

c) you? Duh? c.

Score 1 point for answer b!

Seriously?

8. If you ever sit back and compare your husband with other men you know (especially your brother or father), do you tell yourself that ...

a) He's got one or two faults like every man, but they really don't matter. This. A.

b) he would be just perfect if only he would stop that little mannersim. ...of punching me....

c) he's just perfect.

1 point for answer a!

9. Do you believe that the greatest power of love which human beings can show (excluding the unassailable love of a mother for her child) are between..
a) A man and woman before marriage
b) man and man, like David and Jonathan
c) members of the same family
d) Huey Lewis and The News

1 point for answer a!

I wonder why it says before marriage?

10. When your husband comes home with stories of troubles at work do you...
a) listen quietly
b) offer advice I would do this and he would hate me for it, then again, he's the one complaining
c) tell him about your own problems of the day

Give yourself 1 point for answer b!

I am surprised I got a point for this.

11. A divoreced man is unlikely to make a good husband. Do you consider this to be generally true?
Probably not.

Deduct 1 point if you answered yes!

12. Your husband manages to get a few days extra holiday, quite apart from the family fortnight by the sea. He suggests that the children be packed off to a relative while you both go away. Would your reaction be...
a) this was a thoughtful romantic scheme Yes. Yes. Yes.
b) he was being selfish
c) it would be a perfectly miserable time for you

1 point for answer a!

Duh.

13. Maybe your husband's tastes in clothes are a little out-of-date, but they are certainly definite. When he gives you some money to buy a new dress, do you...
a) Buy something fashionable because you know that eventually he will frow to like it.
b) make certain to get his favorite color
c) take the advice of a woman-friend or the saleswoman

Wait, my husband is giving me money? Is it my allowance? Did I have to mow the lawn first? I would buy a tattoo and a bucket of ice cream.

1 point for answer a!

14. Who gets the early morning tea in your house?
a) Your husband
b) You
c) sometimes one, sometimes the other I chose c, and I am delighted we are fancy tea people.

1 point for answer c!

15. Most of us have to face the fact the bereavement is a possible future tragedy. In your thoughts about it is your first reaction

a) how you will manage financially?

b) how you will manage to go on living?

c) you hope you will die before your husband?

My answer, who do I sell all his porn to? Apparently, my pretend husband has quite a collection.

1 point for answer b!

How will I go on living? Good thing I have those cyanide capsules.

16 If you husband fell seriously ill, would you prefer to

a) have a skilled nurse to help you:

b) get him to a good hospital right away? Yes. b.

c) nurse him yourself

1 point for answer a!

Really? Well, I hope he doesn' t want to get better.

17. Do you consider that perfect love could only be perfect if it consisted solely of the marriage of two minds and the physical side did not enter into it?
I don't understand this question.

If you said "yes" deduct 1 point.

18. Have you ever gone to the doctor about a pain which you are assured has no physical basis?
No. Going to the doctor is too expensive to pretend at.

If you said "yes" deduct 1 point.

19. Do you think that in a well-run home housework should be paid for like any other job by a stated proportion of the gross income?
If I am doing it, yes.

If you said "yes" deduct 1 point.

20. Would you like to be back in your childhood days again?
Sure, but I am pretty sure I didn't leave.

If you said "yes" deduct 1 point.

Results

In this examination paper, sixteen marks are the best possible score you can obtain. Any woman who can boast such a score has proved as so many wives always have, that the strange mixture of idealistic woman, helpmate, lover and foster-mother which all men hope to find combined in one woman, can be obtained

If your score is between 12 and 15, your husband can count himself as fortunate among men, as and far luckier than most as he probably realizes.

Between 8 and 11 is fairly good, though an examination of the questions where you made no score will show where you are failing in this difficult job of being a wife. Maybe you lost some marks on those ‘minus’ questions they are psychological ones which are really danger signals of hidden faults. Recognize their existence and you can put them right, adding marking to put yourself in a happier grouping.

Less than 8 would indicate that you have answered the questions without sufficient thought, for very few wives who are happy in their marriage will get such a low score.

I got a 5. My life is over.

Source: Home Chat, December 30^th 1961

Boom.

Fringe Friday #7: It's alive!

2011-07-01T13:06:00.000-05:00

The fringe website is alive!!!!!!

Check it out!

You're still here?

Ok!

Then check out Your Responsibility for Sex Failure's Facebook page! Like it! You should like it, then it will tell you when the show is happening in the privacy of your very own Facebook.

Internet, you are helpful.

Are you still here? I just gave you two awesome links to get yourself distracted within. Thank you for your dedication! As a prize, look at this stainless steel kidney shaped bowl!

Doctory, right?

Love it? Like us on Facebook!

Where did the rest of the "like" button go?

Happy 4th of July weekend!

Fringe Friday #6: Dick Happens

2011-06-24T20:00:00.001-05:00

Not even in real rehearsals yet and Your Responsibility for Sex Failure has drama! Offstage drama that is. we have mama drama.

Remember last week, when I gushed about our super sweet postcards designed by Mary Certain who is also the other have of Vintage Remix, producers of this show?

Those postcards are awesome, right?

Sexy, right?

Campy, right?

Doctory, right?

It's 1964, right?

Right.

We've been sharing our postcards with the world like the sexiest kind of disease. Everyone was happy to be infect with this itch until I got this text from Mary.

Mary: The postcards offended my mom.

Heather: Is that a good or bad thing?

Then Mary sent me this email with the whole story:

I talked to my mom today to wish her happy birthday. She was okay with
that. Then she said she had to "ask me questions" and said how offended
she was about the postcards. She didn't have a problem with them on Sunday
when I gave them to her or when I saw her again later in the day, but whatever.
Then she grilled me on how she hoped I wasn't working on them at work,
given that they were so offensive. I assured her that I had work to do at
work and wouldn't dream of abusing that. So I was confused but said,
"Well, you don't have to come to the show." She said she felt like she would
probably still come to the show, being my mom, but she hoped it wasn't
going to be very offensive. Then she said she "didn't notice at first, but
was very upset when she noticed later." I asked her whether she was
looking at the same postcards I was and what on earth she was talking about. She
explained that she noticed that the woman is pointing with a penis. "With
that crease, it's so graphic." Heather, my mom thinks Deb has a penis for a finger. I informed her that she was mistaken. Now I kind of can't wait to introduce them. And show her Deb's penis in real life. So apparently my mom is a pervert.
I'd say yes, it's good to offend her.

Mary

This is the best story in the whole world. Don't even try to top it. This story is the best. And now our postcards are like collector's items like the whole Dog/Penis/Leg Debacle of the 2007 IKEA catalog!

Here's the offensive postcard. See if you can find the penis finger!!

Get your finger wang postcard before it's too late!

*Vintage Remix is not responsible for offending people with actual penis fingers, sorry Edward Penishands.

Your Responsibility for Sex Failure

MN Fringe Festival

Minneapolis Theatre Garage

Aug 4-14, 2011

I'm so pretty I should be on a podcast

2011-06-20T23:04:00.000-05:00

I've declared this summer The Summer of Being Famous.

So of course, I am on a podcast. (I totally misspelled that podcats, which would also be awesome).

I didn't have to do anything especially famousy to be on this podcast, in fact all I had to do was submit my name and phone number to a stranger.

And the result.....

The Better Strangers Podcast hosted by Aric McKeown.

The premise of the podcast is "Socially awkward podcast host Aric McKeown explores his very elementary grasp on the art of conversation with complete strangers."

The combination of this premise and my own spaz-tastic awkwardness makes for one one-of-a-kind conversation.

Aric and I had never met, and still have never met but we talked and talked about almost everything, and by everything we mean goats, assumptions and other stuff.

If you can make it to the 30 minute mark, I think that is where the goat fighting story is.

And you find out how much I hate Tyler. What a jerk.

Fringe Friday #5: Promo Bonanza plus a little song

2011-06-17T19:29:00.000-05:00

You know the words, sing with me.

"Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred postcards, that's how you promote, promote your show. With press releases, Twitter feeds, and Facebook pages. That's how you promote, promote your show."

You know it, Your Responsibility for Sex Failure by Heather Meyer (me!) and Mary Certain has promotional postcards. Like a million of them.

Ok, not a million but more than 50.

Postcards! It's a real thing! They are so shiny. Like someone made them. For real.

Because someone did! Mary Certain designed the cards with her graphic design ninja skills. And that sexy photo? That was taken by the talented Joey Ford!

Look at all that important info! Save the date! Save it! You don't want to waste that date. Or let that date be killed because you didn't save it, just like the whales.

Look!

Now to avoid getting paper cuts.

Fringe Friday #4: The Beginning

2011-06-10T23:59:00.019-05:00

Heather and Mary are friends. Mary moved into a house. Heather did not. Mary found a stash of 30 1960's women's magazines in the closet of her new home. Heather did not. Mary shared her cultural archaeological find with with her friends. Everyone laughed and then Heather said, "That is a fringe show."

Then:

Lottery ball goes in. Lottery ball comes out.

Now, Mary and Heather made a fringe show.

The magazine that started it all:

And the article:

Sexy. Campy. Doctory. It's 1964.

Your Responsibility for Sex Failure

Created by Heather Meyer and Mary Certain

Coming to a Minnesota Fringe Festival near you

August 4-14, 2011

Minneapolis Theatre Garage

Fringe Friday #3: Blonde Bombshell

2011-06-02T23:55:00.002-05:00

Your Responsibility for Sex Failure
Produced by Vintage Remix as part of the Minnesota Fringe Festival. Performances at the Minneapolis Theatre Garage August 4-14, 2011. Be there.

Fringe Friday #3. A wig came in the mail today. A blonde wig. Of course, I immediately put it on. And then dressed up like Betty Draper. If you squint enough, the look works. Good thing as part of the show we are going to have the entire audience have their eyes dilated as part of the opening. It's art, who's going to argue with that?

I just lied there, we aren't going to dilated the audience's eyes. Not with chemicals. Though, I can't say that the audience won't get dilated from arousal from a such a sexy show (or such a sexy show about sex failure). eye dilation is a sign of arousal. I learned that in Junior High.

I don't even know what character or actor is wearing this wig in the show. I just know that this wig is in the show.

Anyway, here's what you are waiting for:

I can't show you the whole look because that would ruin the surprise.

I lied again.

I can't show you the whole look because my arms are only so long to take photos of myself.

But if you look really close you can see my attempts to lighten up the color of my eyebrows.

Sorry for all the lying, instead look at theses articles.

Yeah, this show is going to be something.

Flashback! Feb 2010

2011-06-01T19:21:00.001-05:00

I went on a cruise with my family over a year ago.

That is almost all that needs to be said, but I have pictures! They were taken by my mom with her digital camera and then she send the prints to me (so I have to scan them in, but one step at a time). And I am lazy.

But here's a teaser!

Port of Entry: New Orleans; Cafe Du Monde

Here is me and my brother (notice his Vince Vaughn/Norm MacDonald resemblance). I look like an angry city woman with my sugar mountain beignets.

While in the French Quarter, I realized I could use my Theatre degree to spray paint myself silver and pose near an also spray painted boombox for change (jingle change, not Obama change).

Yeah, you have to tilt your head.

Fringe Friday: Histories' Mysteries

2011-05-27T21:28:00.003-05:00

Fringe Friday #2. (Here's Fringe Friday #1) The second the the series of updates on the creation of the show Your Responsibility for Sex Failure for the 2011 Minnesota Fringe Festival.

If you don't know by now, you will, Your Responsibility for Sex Failure is based on advice and articles from early 1960's ladies magazines. Think Cosmo 50 years ago.

Most of the magazines' stories are elaborate dramas involving the glamorous world of doctors and nurses.

As part of my research, my mom lent me her college yearbooks from 1960 to 1964. She let me steal them on the condition that I don't show anyone her picture:

This is not my mom. This is the 1964 Montana State Harvest Queen.

Did you really think my mom was the Harvest Queen?

Do you really think I would embarrass my mom like that?

Only like this: Can you find her in this sorority photo?

Did you find her?

Let me help you:

Ta-da!

Fun and games aside, I need to research sexy nurses.

Like these ladies:

Hot.

Here's my interpretation of that:

Here's our show image! Come see our show! Aug 4-14th 2011
Minneapolis Theatre Garage.

Oh! Here's my mom again.

She's going to be so pretend angry.

To even things up here is a photo of me from 8th grade:

I don't know what is going on here.

Re: Can i trust you with this funds?

2011-05-25T17:47:00.003-05:00

I am America

Am I a jerk for not helping this woman out?

She sent me two emails today asking for help. Two emails. One minute apart from each other. She must really need help, especially since the emails were exactly the same.

Though, I was pretty swayed for a moment when she called me Beloved. And she has a cancerous ailment.

Re: Can i trust you with this funds?

MRS. GHAYTH FAIZA.

23, Hawley Crescent,
Camden Town, London,
NW1 8NP, England.

Dear Beloved,

Here writes Mrs. Ghayth Faiza, suffering from cancerous ailment. I am
married to Watson Ghayth an Arabian who is dead. My husband was into
private practice all his life before his death. Our life together as man
and wife lasted for three decades without a child. My husband died after a
protracted illness. My husband and I made a vow to uplift the down-trodden
and the less-privileged individuals as he had passion for persons who can
not help themselves due to physical disability or financial predicament. I
can adduce this to the fact that he needed a Child from this relationship,
which never came.

When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of Two Million Great
Britain Pound Sterling which were derived from his vast estates and
investment in capital market with his bank here in UK. Presently, this
money is still with the Bank. Recently, my Doctor told me that I have
limited days to live due to the cancerous problems I am suffering from.

Though what bothers me most is the stroke that I have in addition to the
cancer. With this hard reality that has befallen my family and I, I have
decided to donate this fund to you and want you to use this gift which
comes from my husbands effort to fund the upkeep of widows, widowers,
orphans, destitute, the down-trodden, physically challenged children,
barren-women and persons who prove to be genuinely handicapped
financially.

It is often said that blessed is the hand that giveth. I took this
decision because I do not have any child that will inherit this money and
my husband's relatives are bourgeois and very wealthy persons and I do not
want my husband's hard earned money to be misused or invested into ill
perceived ventures. I do not want a situation where this money will be
used in an ungodly manner, hence the reason for taking this bold decision.
I am not afraid of death hence I know where I am going. I know that I am
going to be with the Almighty when I eventually pass on.

The Almighty will fight my case and I shall hold my peace. I do not need
any telephone communication in this regard due to my deteriorating health
and because of the presence of my husband's relatives around me, I do not
want them to know about this development. With God all things are
possible. As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the contact of
the Bank in UK. I will also issue you a Letter of Authority that will
empower you as the original beneficiary of this fund. My happiness is that
I lived a life worthy of emulation. Please always be prayerful all through
your life.

Please assure me that you will act just as I have stated herein. Hope to
hear from you soon and God bless you and members of your family.

Reply to my mail through my email address: mrs-ghaythwatson044@w.cn

Yours Faithfully,

Mrs. Ghayth Faiza
mrs-ghaythwatson044@w.cn

I didn't help her, but I am toying with the idea of using her email address to sign up for email newsletters and coupons. Or I can use it at places that want me to give them my email address for whatever reason.

I want to sell the spammers to other spammers. Through cannibalism. Spamiblism.

Milestone

2011-05-22T21:57:00.001-05:00

Not my license plate, but my name.

My car is 9 years old. When I bought it, it had 42 miles on it. I bought it at a huge discount after a driver's ed program was finished using it. So it was a 'new' car but really not.

The dealership in my hometown has some sort of amazing deal with the high school that it will provide brand-new cars for the students to learn to drive on every summer. If you want to learn about my driver's ed experience, go here and read my diary from that adventure.

The dealership is banking that once the kids learn to drive on these fancy new cars, that their parents will then by them a similar fancy new car with the belief that it is a safe choice since this is the car the kid learned on.

Well, at the end of driver's ed, the dealership sells the cars at a pretty meaty discount because:

a) The new models have already come out.
b) No one wants to buy a car that idiots learned to drive on
c) all of the above.

The correct answer is C. So I bought my car the late summer of 2002. It's been everywhere with me. We are kind of married, my car and I. And this winter we celebrated a milestone. 100,000 miles. (Really I should have celebrated 100,042 miles) but who's counting.

I was lucky enough to capture the moment on film.

Good luck getting those two minutes of your life back.

Here's the Cliff's Note Version:

If you didn't watch the movie, you missed all the awesome banter between me and Mike. Of course, the word awesome is subjective.

Fringe Friday: Sneak Peak!

2011-05-20T18:31:00.000-05:00

From one of our show magazines.
Hello, 1964!

Friday Fringe Show Sneak Peak!

My MN fringe show, Your Responsibility for Sex Failure is close to having a show image!

Playing producer, I took photos of the photo shoot (how meta!).

That's the photographer Joey Ford behind the camera and Debra Berger as the sexy 1960's nurse in front of the lens. Joey was nice enough to let me hover around and take photos of the photo shoot.

Stay tuned for the final image to come! But don't hold you breath, it will be a few days!

And remember Your Responsibility for Sex Failure runs August 4-14, 2011 as part of the Minnesota Fringe Festival. All performances will be at the Minneapolis Theatre Garage.

Yves Klein Blue or Heather Meyer Gold Leaf

2011-05-19T23:14:00.003-05:00

Feb 2011: Yves Klein Art Exhibit

Quick review: The art was great. Especially the sponges on sticks. Everything was blue. There were quotes on the wall. I took picture of the quotes. Then a young helpful, underemployed ‘guard’ put the smack down on my photo taking. I pointed out I was taking photos of the vinyl quotes on the wall, not trying to steal the art's soul. I know those are not the art. And it’s not like I am going to steal the quotes and claim them as my own. The quotes have the sayer of the quote right on them. That is what makes them a quote.

Here's the first quote.

The stern sixth grader didn’t by my story, nor thought I was the least bit amusing. I bet if I had farted he would have laughed. Who wouldn’t? So I stopped taking photos. I wanted to take some secret photos just to be brave, but I am too much of a square.

(Some galleries at the photography is allowed, just not at the Yves Klein exhibit, this information is useless since the exhibit closed on Feb 14, unless you have a time machine. If you did have a time machine you probably would screw up and go to a time without camera phones so it wouldn’t matter anyway.)

But I did get a photo of something other than non-art vinyl wall quotes.

Is this Yves Klein's toolbox?

Yves Klein also liked gold leaf. I have a special kinship with gold leaf.

Another quote!

“Gold lame, just like basic black” I coined that phrase in college.

Let me tell you about gold leaf. I know about gold leaf. I used to be a really important scenic painter. One of my gigs was at Big Fancy Theatre in St. Louis. It was awesome. I was one of four scenic painters. We had a whole warehouse across the pond from the carpentry shop for our painting needs. The whole production side was a theatrical compound with gardens and snakes and bridges! We did three shows that summer, 1776, Big: the Musical and La Cage Aux Folles. 1776 was grey and brown, Big was BLUE (Yves Klein!) and La Cage was purple and GOLD LEAF (Yves Klein!).

I was assigned to gold leaf a beautiful antique sofa that had been reupholstered by Brooke in the prop shop (across the stream). Brooke had ushered the adorable sofa proudly over the bridge to our warehouse in the back. She showed off her upholstering job and skill at making sure the very limited amount of fabric work perfectly the cover the chair. They had used every bit of that fabric they could find! And it was perfect. She was pleased that they had just enough fabric to upholstery this sofa and the matching chairs, because there was not an ounce of that fabric left on the planet.

I had never gold leafed before, but as a smart woman who knows how to read directions, I knew I could handle it. (And Brooke gave me a tutorial).

I was rocking and rolling the gold leaf. Gold leafing is awesome and glamorous! From drab to fab with a little adhesive and gold foil sheets! I filled every little nook and cranny in the intricately carved frame. I was a master! I shall gold leaf the world. And then I dropped a glob of adhesive on the newly upholstered chair.

Again that is:

I dropped a glob of adhesive on the newly upholstered chair that had been upholstered in the last remnants of that particular fabric on earth.

Yikes!

I tried to wipe the glob of adhesive off that was now drying the fabric to a darkened splotch.

Wiping it off, however, just rubbed it in and collected the dirt from my grimy hands in to the sticky adhesive. Now it was worse.

What the hell was I going to do? This couch was a big deal. A BIG deal. There isn’t a bigger deal than this couch. This production of La Cage Aux Folles was "pull out all the stops" important. And I had just pooped all over it. Permanent, immovable poop.

Double Yikes!

I didn’t want to tell any of my fellow painters. They didn’t need to know, they couldn't fix it. And if id did tell them it would just fuel the “Reasons Why Heather Sucks” list compiled by one member of the team.

Reasons Why Heather Sucks List

1: Heather is a broad strokes kind of girl

2. Heather didn’t like to listen to talk radio all day long

3. Heather thought a paint shop was a paint shop

4. Heather was AMAZING at mixing colors

5. Heather usually had a wet paint spot on her clothes at all times

6. Heather made a lot of jokes.

7. Heather spilled paint on the concrete and then cleaned it up.

8. Heather is a happy positive person

9. Heather didn’t use bamboo (as is the industry standard) to paint drops, she just bent over

So to avoid adding to that list and as an honest person, I had to tell someone.

I had to tell Props, it was their prop that I had ruined.

I had to tell Brooke. She was my friend, roommate and the props master. She always has a solution.

Right?

So I put my brave balls on and called a meeting with Brooke. Brooke was understanding and the only thing she could tell me was to avoid doing it again. She said it was pretty unnoticeable. Which is was. And it was onstage, in a proscenium, in a huge theatre. And in a production this afire, a quarter-sized slightly darkened spot was the least distracting thing on stage.

Right?

Wrong. So so so so so so so so so wrong. Rumor has it the dark stain was the worst thing to ever happen to theatre. Ever. Theatre was dead, and I had killed it. There was no solution, no throw blanket or pillow could cover it, it was un-cover-up-able. The show was ruined.

Or was it?

Nah. Nothing can stop a musical. It was an awesome show, with amazing performances and blah, blah, blah achievements all the way around.

Here's the couch in action!

That poor actor had to hold his knee up over the couch the whole show.

So Walker Art Center, let me take photos of the quotes on your walls or I might drip gold leaf adhesive all over you and ruin make you think I ruined your life but in fact improved everything in the world.

Disclaimer: I think I am allowed to public tell this story now because the statute of limitations on scenic painting crimes has expired. And because everything turned out OK.

Legume show you brilliance.

2011-05-13T18:35:00.007-05:00

Snack Review with footnotes: Planter’s NUT-rition line of nut mixes.

Yesterday between work and a show, I was looking for a belly filler. Already at Target, I tried to pretend that I am a healthy eater, I searched for snacks in the nut aisle at Target. I made the world's best discovery ever: The Planter's NUT-rition mixes are awesome.

First:

Awesomely sized. Like Goldilocks sized. Not too big, not too small. Good old fashioned medium sized. No doubt that a can of nut mix will fill me.

Second:

Variety! Assorted nuts and seeds and dried fruits! Hooray, many choices for the peanut avoider like me. Most of the mixes didn’t even include the stupid legume*

Third:

There are sorted by health benefits! Like vitamins in the vitamin aisle. One of my favorite things ever! There was the Omega-3 Mix, Digestive Health Mix, Antioxidant Mix, South Beach Diet Mix (which has its own Facebook page ),Energy Mix, Heart Healthy and Bone Health Mix. So many choices! I was stumped. First I wanted the Omega-3 Mix because of the delicious-ness in side and for my recent hobby of thinking about wrinkles. And Bone Health was exciting, I am a woman after all and calcium is good! And it is Women's Health Week (shout-out to Naomi for telling me) And Energy Mix had chocolate covered things in them!

The labels on the NUT-rition mixes look like vitamin labels. Or at least they do to me. This is brilliant marketing. Selling what you already have: nuts, by giving people what they want: health. So simple. So genius.

I applaud the strategy and the product. Because, I am sure other nut mixes achieve some of these same goals, but the Planter’s mixes tell me upfront and I get to choose what type of nutrition. It gives me some power of choice but not too much. Since there are only seven mixes not a hundred from which to choose. Nice work Planter’s, someone should get a raise. And the mix is delicious.

I chose the Digestive Health Mix because fiber always wins me over. And there were pistachios (smishsmachios) in it.

From the Planter’s website:

Digestive Health Mix

This succulent blend of pistachios, almonds, tart cranberries, crunchy granola clusters and sweet cherries is an excellent source of dietary fiber, which helps promote digestive health.

150 calories
8g total fat (1g saturated fat, 0g trans fat, 2g polyunsaturated fat, 5g monounsaturated fat)
Low saturated fat
Low sodium (40mg per serving)

Excellent source of the following:

Dietary Fiber

Good source of the following:

Vitamin E
Copper
Magnesium
Manganese

Each serving (8 in each can) was 20% of my daily dietary fiber in take. 20%! That beats FiberOne bars (unless you eat them by the box like I do)! I was sold.

I ended up eating over half the can in the car. That is around 5 servings. Let’s do the math. 5 x 20 + 100% I achieve maximum fiber load by eating these awesome nuts. But the thing was I was eating in the car because I was on my way to an improv show in a far away superb. And there was no stopping. I hoped that the fiber would be slow going and I wouldn’t feel the full effects of the NUT-rition Digestive Health mix until after the show.

And hoping usually works, right? It did, there was no explosion other that the improvised ones.

I love the Planter’s NUT-rition mixes! I want to try them all, however, the Digestive Health Mix is so awesome that it will be hard to not just keep buying that one.****

*I love all legumes. They are my favorite food group and a staple of my yearly month-long celebration of Fiberuary. But regular old peanuts are so boring. Unless they are salted in shells. Then that is an activity snack** Put them in a butter or a spicy noodle dish, then we can talk.***

**Shelled peanuts and hard boiled eggs are an exception to the “too much work to eat” rule. Non-exceptions are crab legs, crawfish,

***My opinion only, you can go ahead and love up on peanuts all you want. Noting against peanuts, I know peanuts are a big part of Planter’s identity. I should know I was Liz in the Book of Liz by the Talent Family: Amy and David Sedaris and there’s a giant Mr. Peanut in that play. So don’t get all angry OK?

****Constructive Feedback: There are too many dried cranberries in the mix ratio.

Newest hobby

2011-05-11T15:06:00.004-05:00

I've recently taken up hooping. And by "recently", I mean Jan 1, 2011. And by 'taken up" I mean sometimes I do it. And by "hooping" I mean hula-hoops.

Hooping is a thing. In five years, it will be like sparkle vampires are now. A little tired but totally accepted. (Please forgive me for the totally tired but accepted joke about sparkle vampires).

There is a documentary either in the making, soon to be released or already in Netflix queues call The Hooping Life. I haven't seen it, obviously, or I would know if it was in production/in theatres/or in queues. I've only gone so far as to "Like" it on Facebook.

Hooping is non-competitive. Which is why I only do it sometimes. I have two hoops. My first hoop is green and orange (my most favorite colors) actually; they are more like GREEN and ORANGE! It is super bright and it is collapsible. It was HUGE because I am new but I cut it down with a tool because I am a DIY-er like that.

My friend Laura introduced me to hooping. Here is her blog www.adventuresinhooping.com. She writes another blog I love so much at www.theyogachicken.com . Yesterday I gave her another chicken. From North Dakota. It was really flat (both the chicken and the state).

Remember when I said I was a DIY-er? Hooping is all about DIY. You don't buy a hoop; you make one (or have one made and buy it from them). That is what real hoopers do. Well, my friend Naomi and I have a plan to make hoops. We are armed with YouTube tutorials and enthusiasm. And a bunch of colored gaff tape.

My other hoop! I didn't tell you about it. It is my Ab blaster it is bigger and weighted. I love it the most because I feel like it is doing work while I am having fun. (As opposed to just having fun, sometimes I am too efficient).

Hooping. The other hip thing to do (That is a good pun because of hip like cool, and hip like hippie and hip as in the part of your body).

Self photo montage. Heather-tage!

2011-05-07T18:40:00.000-05:00

Photographer Cadence Cornelius took these photos of me. I am impressed.

Your Responsibility for Sex Failure in the MN Fringe Festival!

2011-05-07T00:09:00.001-05:00

I am creating a fringe show. Mark your calendars now for Aug 4-14. It is going to be amazing. Seriously, I am so excited for this show that I can't control it. I get sweaty excited about it. Which is better than sweaty nervous. Maybe it is a little sweaty nervous. But mainly excited nervous because look:

Yeah, that is real. That is so real. That is so real that I get sweaty excited about it. This magazine is the show. Or a part of the show, we have like 30 of the magazines. So much raw material that we are going to melt faces so off that they will reform and look like regular faces again, only awesome-er. Your Responsibility for Sex Failure (playing at the Minneapolis Theatre Garage Aug 4-14), is a hilarious romp through the melodramatic articles of a 1960's women's magazine, including the print ad and letters to the editor. It is going to be so great. Stay tuned in the next few weeks for more news! But I will leave you with this:

Update.

2011-04-16T13:05:00.000-05:00

I updated my website this morning. I think it is OK. Good thing I am not trying to sell myself as a web-designer, but it doesn't totally suck (if I wasn't lazy I would insert a totally sucking website link in here).

I thought I should update my blog as well, since I directed traffic from my website to here on my "About Me" page.

Damn it, people are going to think I am about piano cats and internet memes.

But that piano cat is adorable, even the coldest hearts agree.

reminder

2011-04-04T18:39:00.003-05:00

This link is awesome. I know it is the *hot* Facebook embed of the moment (or more like of last week) but I wanted to link it on here so I could find it in the future. Because you are my organizer of piano cats and inspirational other blogs.

The best thing in the whole world

2011-03-30T22:50:00.000-05:00

I can't stop watching it. And Nora looks so much like my Cooper!

See:

Apparently, I am really into illustrating that my loved ones look like famous people/cats.

See this post

Quiz!!! Just like a women's magazine!

2011-03-28T20:00:00.003-05:00

I recently attended one of Lizz Winstead's Political Satire Writing workshops. Here's the magic that came out of it. I co-wrote it with three other women that I only remember one of. Her name was Jessica.

Find Out if You Were Raped? A Quiz.

Piece #2 MN writers workshop.

20

MAR 2011

PUBLISHED IN
Steaming News Pile

Under the “No Federal Taxpayer Dollars For Abortion Bill” House Republicans suggested narrowing the exception for federal subsidies for abortions to include only those instances where a woman was “forcibly” raped. If this became law, Women’s Magazines will have to help women figure out who's really at fault for the rape (because if it wasn't forcible rape, it's consensual rape, am I right ridiculous law-makers?)* with this quiz.

*Clearly I am a woman that should take her shoes off and get back in the kitchen.

I’VE BEEN RAPED! DID I CONSENT?
Take this quiz!

1. MY RAPIST WAS:

a. A stranger
b. A relative or authority figure or lesser known professional athlete
c. Someone I didn’t know was going to rape me

2. DURING YOUR ATTACK YOU SAW:

a. A visible weapon
b. A penis
c. A promise of Internet stardom

3. YOUR ATTACK OCCURRED:

a. In a dark alley in/or a war zone
b. At Home
c. Somewhere you didn’t want it to

4. THE EVENTS SURROUNDING YOUR ATTACK YOU WERE:

a. Walking down the street
b. Walking down the street alone
c. Walking down the street wearing something rapey

5. JUST PRIOR TO YOUR ATTACK YOU WERE:

a. Sober but thinking about a drink
b. Tipsy
c. I stopped counting after 12

6. YOUR SEXUAL HISTORY:

a. I was a virgin
b. I had only been with my husband
c. I stopped counting after 12

7. WHO DID YOU REPORT YOUR ATTACK TO?

a. No one
b. The police
c. I posted it on Facebook

8. WERE YOU ASKING FOR IT?

a. Never
b. I’m not sure
c. I have a vagina don’t I?

YOUR RESULTS:

Mostly A’s – You’re still a dirty whore

Mostly B’s- You liked it a little, didn’t you?

Mostly C’s- Good luck, Mommy!

I really like Norm MacDonald.

2011-03-28T19:37:00.003-05:00

I really like Norm MacDonald.

I know, most people don't even know what that means. Those people are stupid and younger than me.

He's my favorite Weekend Update Anchor. Frank Stallone.

My favorite Norm MacDonald movie moment is from Billy Madison, when Norm says, "I'll go put some beer in a bucket."

My brother, Brian has a super weird sense of humor. It's weird but funny. Norm is weird and funny. Brian and Norm have the same sense of humor and the exact same delivery of such so called funny verbalizations.

And you know what happened?

I think Norm MacDonald and my brother are the same person. Look.

Who is who? Let me try again.

Pretty good this time. If Brian smiled for pictures he'd look like Norm. I look like my brother.

See:

Cheekbones people, cheekbones.

Man, I should have adopted that stray cat, instead of picking in up rubbing it all over myself then going inside to eat pizza and watch YouTube videos with actors. Then I could have worn it on my head and looked even more like Norm MacDonald.

Maybe I think I am Norm MacDonald.

Frank Stallone.

Theatre Unbound 24hr Play Project

2011-03-23T20:41:00.001-05:00

In January, I was a playwright for Theatre Unbound's 24hr Play Project. It was my second year participating in the project and I always forget my brain shuts off at 10:30. I met my writing partner for the first time at 9pm that night and we had until 5am to write a ten minute play utilizing five secret ingredients chosen by the audience of the Internet.

The ingredients were:

A fanny pack
A murderess or a virgin
A character that speaks only in Casablanca quotes
the phrase "Why does everyone always hate me on Wednesdays?"

And something else that I can't remember.

And out of a hat we drew a cast of 1 man and 1 woman.

Here it is.

Flashback!

2011-03-12T16:51:00.001-06:00

This is me!! I think I am about 3 years old. I have a broken ankle!

ME!

2011-02-21T20:04:00.002-06:00

{state the obvious here}

{I haven't blogged in a while....at least on this blog...emoticon}

So yeah, I was doing some accidentaly cyberstalking and realized I never have filled out one of those email surveys that were forwarded around so much in the early "00's. So I am making up my own.

1. I used to drink sloe screws in college because I couldn't remember the name of any other drinks. And they were pink.

2. I am so over girls/women being obsessed with pink. There are other colors.

3. I hated baby dolls as a child.

4. I loved Barbie dolls.

5. I have had three cats in my life all large, friendly, male grey tabby cats.

6. I had a pony

7. I invented the holiday of Fiberuary which lasts the entire month of every February and increased your awareness and consumption of Fiber.

8. Yes, I know I capitalized Fiber in the last answer.

9. I have two hula-hoops and a large enough apartment to spin them in.

10. I hate pessimists

11. I think sewing is the same thing as hot gluing

12. I played an Irish Pirate for money one whole summer.

13. My arms do that thing. You know the one.

14. I think being a bridesmaid is a competition.

15. I hate water chestnuts.

16. Currently, there is dried ice cream on my cat's tail.

17. I don't know how it go there, I don't get along with dairy.

18. Who's eating ice cream in my apartment?

19. The Ghost of Joel Coen haunts my apartment.

20. Culprit pinpointed

21. I am producing a fringe show this year for the MN Fringe Festival.

22. So far I have written the Press Release.

23. Is this enough self-indulgence yet?

24. Not quite.

25. Fine.

26. Straight teeth

27. Grasp exceeds my reach?

28. Spaz.

29. My brother and I invented a game called Spasm Man. It was awesome.

30. So much.

Does this count as my Christmas Letter?

2010-12-11T10:04:00.001-06:00

Hello, Culture of Doing Things.

Many thing are being done.

On Monday Dec 13, the play I wrote Santa Claus-tatrophe is being performed by the nufan ensemble in Chicago, IL.

Sweet right?

And the monologue Being Reasonable is being performed in Madison, WI with Forward Theatre at teh Overture Center for the Arts. This is cool because Christopher Durang and Beth Henley also submitted to this and got it. They only choose 12 entries.

It's like I am a famous playwright too.

word.

More Roots with Eyes

2010-11-16T21:54:00.001-06:00

I think they might be planning something

2010-10-28T16:43:00.001-05:00

Accidents

2010-10-22T09:44:00.002-05:00

So yesterday I ended up naming a holiday Rollergirl team, here are their names:

Mrs. Claws

Holi-dazed

Silver Hells and her twin sister Jingle Hells

Missle Toe

Christmas Carol?

Carrots with Eyes!

2010-10-21T18:12:00.001-05:00

I got invited to the Monster Ball and had not a thing to wear

2010-09-04T10:31:00.001-05:00

I have been to only a few concerts. What I consider concerts are events with people/groups/bands/dancelines that I have heard of before said concert, because I know nothing about musics. I'm sure I've seen other stuff too, right? I don't know, but I am talking about stand-in-a-big-line-with-a-printed-ticket-stuff.

Concerts I have been to:

1999 Goo-Goo Dolls-I was in college and we wore black vynl jackets because that was cool. However, since everyone was hyper vigilante about people in matching jackets since the Columbine Shooting, you can figure it out.

2000 Weird Al Yankovic-Met a boyfriend there. Al wore a lot of costumes.

2007 Rob Zombie and Ozzy Osborne-It was on Halloween and I went dressed as Daphne from Scooby Doo, accompanied by a friend dressed as Velma. We were not threatening enough to be at that concert. At least we got to eat bacon wrapped things in a private box thing. Rob Zombie had a lot of fire. Ozzie had a foam shooting gun and almost fell down and a crew member ran out to catch him.

2008 They Might be Giants-That was at First Avenue, that means I am hip in Minneapolis

2010 Lady Gaga-That was a show. Naomi and I were so fashiony, read more by clicking this link! I went dressed like this:

Yeah, does that eyeball necklace look familiar? You're right! Go here! And that is shiny duck tape, good eye! Who is that guy back there?

There's Naomi! Where are her pants!!!!

I don't know.

Dinosaur eyes!

Obligatory concert shots from the inside!!!!!!!!!!

There's the opening band Semi Precious Weapons. Which I want to call Fully Precious Puss-n-Boots Frankenstein.

Best Quotes from Naomi of the night:

"I feel like I need more shit in my hair."

and "Shut up! This is the plot!" as Gaga and her dancers were acting out the story line.

Pretty awesome.

Once a spaz, always a spaz

2010-08-31T18:58:00.001-05:00

As a spaz, I never disappoint.

Check out me spazzing out at my mom's birthday. You can't see it but there is a plastic turkey on that cake because I insisted my Aunt put the turkey on the cake. Nothing says Happy Birthday Mom like a tiny plastic turkey.

The spazzing doesn't stop when the candles get blown out!!!

If you got here from my Tweet about Fellatio, you're going to be disappointed.

2010-08-29T11:48:00.001-05:00

The Infamous Turkey Sandwich Story

-Because not all of you are lucky enough to see it performed. And this is only entertaining when it is performed (like fellatio) not so much when it is read (also like fellatio). So sucks to be you (is that also a fellatio joke?)

In 3^rd grade the coolest thing to do was to hate school lunch. And in 3^rd grade almost all of my class ate school lunch. So our lunchtime was filled with complaints about the food and nibbling at the side dishes. One day lunch was turkey sandwiches. Just turkey, hanging out inside a hamburger bun: turkey sandwich. The sandwich also came with a personal size packet to mayo, for your mayonais-ing pleasure.

The turkey sandwich was the most evil of all the lunches. Everyone hated the turkey sandwiches. It was as if turkey sandwich was the reason the Challenger blew up [out dated reference]. Turkey sandwich was the oppressor of the 3^rd graders. My classmates hated turkey sandwich. Stupid turkey sandwich and its diabolical sidekick mayo. Mayo: don’t even get the 3^rd graders of Lincoln elementary school started on the dastardly deeds of mayonnaise. Turkey sandwich and evil sidekick mayo. Combined, those two were mastervillians in crime, terror and general awfulness. The turkey sandwich deserves so much hate, because it knows what it did.

I love turkey sandwiches. I love turkey sandwiches with mayo. Turkey sandwiches might be my reason for living. I love turkey sandwiches.

But I also love not being the target of my much cooler classmates’ rage.

But I couldn’t not eat turkey sandwich. Here was dilemma. I remember it was like having two Heathers on my shoulder Cool Heather who says, “Everyone hates this turkey sandwich, and I shall not eat it and be a part of everyone.” And then Turkey Sandwich Heather who says, “These are delicious turkey sandwiches and even more divine if you crack open that personal-sized packet of mayo, Heather you cannot let this sandwich go to waste.”

“Heather!” Cool Heather says to Turkey Sandwich Heather, “You cannot eat this sandwich, you will be outcast, and they will know you are different. And how dare you even entertain the thought of releasing mayo in to this equation. Mayo will seal the deal of your complete uncoolness.”

“I can’t not do it.” Turkey Sandwich Heather says back to Cool Heather. “I have to eat this sandwich; it is too good, to delicious, too fleeting. I must eat”

“Nooo!” wailed my cooler side as it was shoved aside by my lust for turkey sandwich.

I reached for the sandwich. I knew it was risky, but the danger made this turkey sandwich all the better. I ripped open the mayo dispensed its fatty, whiteness upon my already very pale turkey sandwich. And I ate.

And it was awesome.

I tired to hide from my classmates, the fact I was eating the turkey sandwich, by hunching over my lunch tray, but there was no hiding such lust and passion.

I knew they were watching me. I knew it was coming One of them said, “Gross, Heather is eating it!” I was ready for this. “Yeah, I know, it’s only because I am hungry it is really gross.” I said taking more bites of the sandwich in my mouth. “It is so gross, so gross” I emphasis, putting more mayo on my sandwich, “Yeah, if I wasn’t so hungry, I wouldn’t have to eat this gross thing.”

My classmates could see right through my lie. They swiftly inched as far away from me as possible on a crowed lunch table and continued their rants on the evils of turkey sandwich and the evil that now lived in me after I indulged in such a devilish nosh, my classmates abandoned me leaving me in my own personal leper colony of turkey sandwich lovers.

I do not regret my love of turkey sandwich. I only regret not taking the uneaten sandwiches off my classmates' plates, because I was most horrified that so many delicious turkey sandwiches would go uneaten. Like music unplayed or a prayer unprayed.

I love you turkey sandwich. And now you are all this 3^rd grader has. Turkey sandwich, will you play with me a recess?

It didn’t play with me at recess that day because it was a sandwich and I had eaten it.

Damn it.

Free flavored things I was given this week.

2010-08-29T11:15:00.001-05:00

The week of flavored things.

Flavor thing #1.

Butter flavored lip balm from the Star Tribune booth at the MN State Fair.

Flavor thing #2.

Mint flavored condom from Courtney McClean and The Dirty Curls' Grand Ole Orgy at the Bryant Lake Bowl.

She bangs!!!

2010-08-18T21:33:00.001-05:00

I am not going to blog about my haircut. But I totally am blogging about my haircut. I don't usually get haircuts. But I did today and I was pretty much given the haircut I have been trying my whole life to over come.

Hairdressers like to give my giant forehead bangs. I am sure they look fine but to me bangs just make me think of awkward growing-up-ness. I had the bangs that started on the center top of my head and came forward making a thick dense curtain just above my brow bone. It took me all of my seventh grade year to overcome those bangs until finally I got rid of them completely and have recovered from bangs vowed never to go back there again. I should have stopped her but I let Lushtastic cut away and away and ta-da, they are back.

Why is my arm doing that? Did I have an itch? That is my "I'd rather be riding Ginger" t-shirt. Look at those bangs!!!

And here is me 20 years ago with the same haircut:

And obviously the same sense of style. Bright colored t-shirts. And yes, my tongue still makes that weird shape.

Bangs.

What the hell is a yumberry?

2010-08-18T21:18:00.001-05:00

Life tip #1: adding berry on the end of anything instantly makes it delicious and awesome. Example yogurt flavors, fruit juices and sports drink colors.

Look I prove it:

Weatherberries and Celestialberries:
Rainberry, windberry, snowberry, sleetberry, hailberry, sunberry, moonberry, starberry, Marsberry, cometberry, planetberry, nebulaeberry, thunderberry, fogberry, hazeberry, dawnberry, eveberry, nightberry, noonberry, orbitberry, stormberry, drizzleberry, sprinkleberry, iceberry, partlycloudyberry

Eatberries:
Noodleberry, soupberry, breadberry, tonicwaterberry, tomatoberry, lettuceberry, burgerberry, pickleberry, potatoberry, stewberry, pieberry, cakeberry, brownieberry, cookieberry, eggberry, baconberry, toastberry, roastberry, porkberry, hamberry, spamberry, bolognaberry, pimentoloafberry, crackerberry, hummusberry

Numberberries:
oneberry, twoberry, threeberry, fourberry, fiveberry, sixberry, firstberry, secondberry, TRIPLEberry, fourthberry, unoberry, millionberry, negativesevenberry, piberry, 4982berry, xequalsberry, solveforsberry, proofberry, triangleberry, sphereberry, hypotenuseberry, rightangleberry

Envelopeberries:
murderberry, immigrationberry, rapeberry, gunfightberry, abortionberry, rustnailberry, brokenneedleinarmberry, nomoreherionberry, maritimelawberry, nuclearberry, arsonberry, suicideberry, posionberry, constipationberry, rabiddogberry, thekittenwasbornwithnofaceberry, barefootandpregnantinthekitchenberry.

Berry makes everything ok.

Hugs not Bugs.

2010-08-11T18:19:00.001-05:00

I saw a giant bug in my kitchen on Monday night. It might have been a roach. I am a clean person. cleanish.

It scurried out from underneath my fridge (no one cleans under there). I wasn't scared. I was startled. I am not scared of bugs. Snakes, very much so. The bug ran out and parked himself against the cabinet; it was trapped between me and the wall. Instead of killing the bug, I thought "this is why I have a cat!" I picked up my cat who was conveniently laying in the kitchen window sill and used my cat as a laser pointer and pointed at the bug. Cooper would not look at the bug. I aimed him more at the bug, "See it!" I told my cat. Cooper flopped his head to the other side, annoyed at my grip on his ribcage and the lack of floor beneath is hovering paws. "Get it!" I commanded. And the bug retreated beneath the fridge. So much for the cat. I rationalized that Cooper would be a better predator if it was a mammal, then he could smell the hot blood. Do insects have hot blood? Is my cat a vampire? He spends a lot of time in the sun. And really likes BBQ potato chips, do vampires like BBQ potato chips? I think so.

So there was a bug. So I cleaned my already(sort of) clean floor and Googled how to get rid of bugs (roaches). Borax will do it! I love Borax! Borax will also hurt my cat. I also love my cat. At least, I think it's love he moved in with me in May, so I guess we are still in the honeymoon period. He always greets me at the door, once in a while he doesn't greet me at the door. Is that the beginning of the end?

Baking soda mixed with powdered sugar will kill the bugs! I felt so diabolical as I mixed one white powder with another. Then I threw the white powder all around my fridge, like a salt circle to ward off witches, or an isolated Frigidaire snow shower. Eat the powder bug! It's not a trap.

I think I might rearrange the powder in straight lines on mirror. Just so the bug thinks its illegal to eat and therefore more desirable.

Totally Vanity Project Blog

2010-08-06T11:44:00.002-05:00

Excitedly distracted by the Minnesota Fringe right now. Last night I saw two shows. Speech! and Rachel Teagle Believes in Ghosts. Now I can't stop looking at the fringe sight, planning my next attacks.

I only have a ten card punch. Every year, I toy with the idea of an Ulta Pass but with a recent brand new fuel pump, the filming of a TV show, screenwriting class and other engagements, I just wouldn't make it work.

Mainly, because if an Ultra pass found its way into my hands I would see a show in every slot since I am results oriented. So to control myself, time and get other things done. I did not get an Ultra pass (but I so want one).

I know tonight I am going to St. Christopher of Financial Aid (after my appearance at Week-long Naughty-billy Hoe-down Smutty Open mic, or what ever the dirty open mic Courtney McClean and the Dirty Curls are hosting this week at Storefront-in-a-Box) and on Sat, seeing The Anton Kissbougel Technique as well as Do Not Kill Me, Killer Robots.

The Uptown Art fair is also going on in my backyard so a million people will be everywhere there too.

And I am a finalist for the TCLimerick contest which is on Sunday, but I am also performing Improv at Impro-A-Go-Go at the same time, so I just need to clone myself by Sunday.

There are more shows I am seeing. 33 and 1/3 dates, I know is one. But I can't remember the others.

This might be a really boring blogpost, but whatever you read it until the end.

Vanity!

Evil Stepmother: Because rewriting fairy tales is cliche and fun.

2010-07-14T22:08:00.001-05:00

Stop calling me evil stepmother. That’s not my name. My name is Dorothy and the reason I don’t like Cinderella is because she is the constant whiny reminder of my husband’s infidelity. She’s his lovechild, with my sister, who’s dead from a heroin overdose that she purchased with my college fund. Yeah, I can’t say she’s my favorite thing to look at. Since it’s looking at suck. My husband thought since it was with my sister that I would love her like one of my own since my sister and I share the same DNA. Well, thank you science, once again you’ve proven love is less smart than math.

Yes, I make her do work. She needs to learn discipline. She’s already milking the ‘half-orphan’ title she keeps calling herself. To me half orphan doesn’t seem too bad. If I were half lesbian people would just say I was drunk. Half orphan, well, I’d put her in a half-orphanage if that existed. I’m half Dutch and that’s ironic.

The Prince’s ball, the big fucking ball, No I didn’t want her to go. She’s a slut. No stepmother of a fake half-orphan is going to let her loose labia-ed daughter near an available prince. And Prince Charming? What kind of moniker is that? He is just looking for more bitches to dance behind him in a music video. Letting your slutty daughter near a man named Prince Charming is like telling her to be an intern during the Clinton Administration. (Old joke, I know but I am a frazzled mother of a half-orphan here and accurate is accurate. Fuck off.)

Oh, my daughters, yes, my husband’s other children. I love them. They were begot within the bonds of marriage and all was correct and moral and good. Until the lovechild showed up. How do you tell two little girls that they have a new sister because Aunt Mindy and Daddy shot up an eggshell full of crack and played cave waterfalls of milk. And how do you explain that yes, you are related to this girl and no not normally do families share daddies and no, I’m sorry my lesbian daughter it is not healthy to have a crush on someone that shares the same DNA as you, no matter how much science says you can’t make to four ovaries into one baby.

So Cinderella conjures up the soul of her limbo laden dead mother, puts her glass water pipes on her big toes and crashes the ball. Seduces the prince by fellating his thumb during the counter dance and then running away to meet her dealer and losing a shoe.

Next thing I know, Prince “Wanna writhe on top of my BMW while I rap about tits?” shows up at our door with her fucking glass pipe shoe. My daughters and I make a show about trying them on and making them not fit so he will leave and never come back to make our little half-orphan slut-bag a video vixen. Well, little grunge goddess herself stumbles out of her hangover nap to jam her big toe in the top of pipe and proclaim that it fits.

Prince Charming is so distracted by her open bathrobe and roughly shaven pussy that he agrees and marries her. Cinderella doesn’t move out of the house in to the castle because Prince Charming and Prince Charming’s Ex are still ‘figuring things out.”

If that makes me evil, then fuck it.

News

2010-07-12T07:38:00.003-05:00

Congress returns to a full plate in another attempt to going the clean plate club.

From A to Zebra: 30 days wrap-up

2010-07-05T22:06:00.000-05:00

30 Days of Creativity is done! And I did it all 30 days of June. I am just waiting for the parade to be thrown. I know it is being planned so secretly.

Here is the last few things I did:

Day 27:

The Short Story that makes people ask if it is real!

Day 28:

last minute Post-It art.

Day 29:

This was one of my favorite and most last minute creations.

Day 30:

Crazy, kaleidoscope zebra!

Popularity Index

2010-06-30T22:41:00.001-05:00

I periodically Google myself to see how my goal of becoming the top Heather Meyer search is going. Stilling finding myself in a room of other me s. I searched my name and Zombie Sweater.

I found my film on these websites:

http://www.frequency.com/video/zombie-sweater/96321

http://www.nailseacourt.com/index.php?key=heather+meyer

http://videos.wittysparks.com/id/1985673868

I have no idea what these websites are, but they seem to be something that happens to famous people.

I am well on my way.

I think this is the first short story I've written since high school.

2010-06-27T22:00:00.002-05:00

I think this is a short story. I don't remember, I haven't been in high school English class in a while.

Lather, Rinse, Umbrella Drinks.

Heather Meyer

He turns to me and asks,” Have you seen this one Family Guy…”

“I hate it when you start sentences like that.” I interrupt. No, I wasn’t supposed to fall for an improv actor. Especially not an improv actor on a cruise ship.

I had seen him perform. The show was fun because jokes about seasickness and buffets are always topical; at least they were topical on a cruise. Later, he was teaching an intro to improv class in the Stardream Lounge.

To the class, I deliberately wore a bright sundress to distract from the minefield of inflamed acne that had erupted on my back. He was friendly, funny and fleshy. He had an unparalleled smile, meaning his teeth were not parallel, that they were a bit askew. As the class finished and the ships’ elders dispersed, he said to me, “You look young and fun.” “And you are husky and observant,” I answer back baiting him with a smile. He returned the grin with his lips stretching around his two rows of linearly challenged teeth.

In lounge chairs on the Lido deck, we exchanged the predictable autobiographical details. Then we found ourselves, correction, found myself whipping out my ship card to purchase two rum concoctions in bright pink cups festooned with umbrellas and pineapples. My bacne was starting to itch from the sun, but I refused to scratch it to avoid an incident with pus and blood so soon in a date.

One fruit-lined rum drink lead to another and then to five, now that I was ambitious, I leaned forward to kiss him but ended up grazing his cheek in a drive-by snogging. “Follow me,” he said so clichéd-ly with a wink that almost distracted me from his rickety pirate teeth. He walked toward the elevators. “Not in the elevators!” I whisper in a sudden display of conservatism. “We’ll take the stairs,” he answered again with that wink that I was starting to think might be a facial tick.

In the movies, we would have slid laughingly down the banisters together. In reality, my fruity rum buzz and lust for mediocre comedy were waning with every series of endless stairs. So many staircases, I regretted my prudishness towards the elevators, at least then the zits on my back wouldn’t have been flaring up from the sweat. We finally reached the last stair, the last stair on the ship; there was no further down we could go. I felt like I was on the bottom of the ocean, and yet I was still somehow on a cruise ship. We had reached his cabin. Yes, cabins on cruise ships are small, but this was a water closet. There were four beds, two on the floor, two lofted and eight inches separating them.

“Are we at camp?” I ask.

“If by camp you mean Poseidon’s sex dungeon,” He improvises so wittily. Then, his distorted dentals were at me. Soon my lips grew tired of dodging Stonehenge and since I was already on the bed and my sundress was on floor we move toward deeper waters. He explored my coastline and I discovered his mast was just as crooked as his smile.

Afterwards and after-glowing he rubs his hand on my back as if to read the Braille that was my bacne asked what my sign was. It was such a retro question, I wondered if the tidal pool betwixt my legs had become a time warp. I looked over at him and he just smiled his imprecise, boulder toothed smile and replied, “Have you seen this one Family Guy…?”

Who's on the table? The Cast of Condiments.

2010-06-25T15:20:00.003-05:00

Salt and Pepper: Super gay

Sugar: Girl next door

Sweet and Lo: Slut!

Equal: Lesbian

Ketchup: It's not a party with out Ketchup!

Splenda: Porn Star hot, created in a lab or on an operating table. Incredibly attractive. Hates

A-1: Super man (not like the hero, just really manly)

Tabasco: depressed, like that blue mule from Winne-the-Pooh

Mustard: Who invited Mustard? He never showers.

Coffee Creamers: That annoying clique of unattractive yet really made-up girls

Even more validation Day 23 and Day 24

2010-06-24T22:14:00.001-05:00

Yes! My pic from yesterday is a highlight. Looks like I am on the awesomeness radar now!

I took this photo yesterday while waiting for a table at Carson's in Chicago. I was tired and lazy from huge airport delay at MPS that morning then a sprint from back of cab to instant onstage comedy.

It's a cool ceiling light. I wanted to see if each of the light arms bent any which way but I was on the floor and it was on the ceiling.

This is the creativity for today:

Art.

VALIDATION!!!!!

2010-06-22T22:29:00.001-05:00

After faithfully creating something everyday and writing yesterday's long photo/blog post detailing my highlight reel ambitions....today on the 22nd day, I have become a highlight!!! Dreams really do come true.

My creation from yesterday made it on the highlights for June 21st!

I was here. Uptown Cafeteria and Support Group and it is as cool as it seems but there is a patio and $5 martinis (that are more like lemonade in a triangle glass). I ordered a Monte Cristo, to which the waitress said, "That's a bold choice," forcing me to up the ante (reminiscent of this not the crush part, the underestimation of me by waitstaff) and order fries along with it. Bring on the fried-ness. My heart attack will be worth it.

I am taking full credit for this creation even through other people were there. (And I spent much of my time eavesdropping on the blind date behind me) Steph tried to put a ray gun (fried bit of Monte Cristo) on one of the guys but it fell off. Alex helped too somehow but I don't remember how. Mary moved one of the guys into place, so I guess she was like a choreographer. Michaela did stuff too but I mainly remember myself bossing her around to move the silverware out of the photo.

Here is what I made today.

(It's sideways, just move your computer, dummy)

Really pushing at the highlight reel again. Once is never enough, obviously (Naomi's been up there at least three times!)

There were a lot of links in this blog post. Good work at stating the obvious, Heather.

And a lot of name-dropping happened here, that is if my friends were famous.
(But Sven Sundgaard was there wearing a bright orange workout jersey and being all short and pseudo-famous.)

Days 21-11 of 30 Days of Creativity! And my obsession about the highlight reel.

2010-06-21T17:10:00.000-05:00

Here's what's been up: This was yesterday's (day 20) creation.

I was in Chicago and this looks all types of artsy/photography-y. But my real creativity was un-photographable ability to eat a fig in a blanket. Yes, fig not pig.

Moving along backwards: Day 19

We tried to put the cat in a tu-tu but he was much to masculine

Day 18: Silly Putty

I was lazy but thought Silly Putty would appeal to the geeks and get my stuff of the 30 Days of Creativity Highlight Slideshow

Day 17:

Easy way out.

Day 16:

Origami Jumping Frog! Out of someone's business card, sorry Metro Sound and Lighting

Day 15:

I saved a pigeon. Don't worry there will be a blog about it later. Took it to rehab.

Day 14:

TV sitcom pitch: Short Attention Dan and Manta Ray O'Conner. He's little and affectionate, she's a supreme court fish.

Day 13:

Beans and plastic fish (Why was this not on the highlight reel? Combining foods and non-foods is always spectacular!)

Day 12:

Totally lazy and sick of not being on the highlight reel, I take the easy and pretentious route.

It is the shadow of a bowl on my table.

Day 11:

Again, really lazy and busy, I tried to make something smart enough to be on the highlight reel.

Purity Rings, Class Rings, Engagement Rings, Wedding Rings...now Single Rings?

2010-06-13T21:41:00.003-05:00

Here's I what I have to say about that.

Geisha Dates at the Airport

2010-06-13T19:27:00.002-05:00

I am not a geisha but I am pretty sure men at the airport think so.

First example:

Me sitting by myself trying to figure out my smart phone. A man in uniform enters, I think, "I am annoyed at you for wearing your uniform." I glance down the sparsely populated gate area at people on laptops and the instant I have the thought, "I wonder if people ever meet in airports anymore since we all have screens to keep us company," uniform man sits right next to me, with only my carry on separated us (since is was on the seat next to me and I was on the aisle.). Then he starts talking to me. He says something about my bag and keeps talking. And talking to me. He is 32, a doctor in the army and Jewish. He also has poor teeth, a slight beer belly and has missed his flight because of being drunk by himself in New Orleans at a bar called the Dungeon.

I realize he is using me for my conversation. I am not geisha.

He talks to me for hours. I know everything about him. Except his name but on his uniform is said 'Ritch". He raw away from home, blah, blah, blah. I my Larry King on and I just keep asking questions about his life. He does not inquire about me at all even after he mentions that he loves aquariums and I insert how I used to work at an aquarium. I would think that would be a great opening to learn about the pretty girl that you are using to conversationally entertain you while you wait for your standby opening on the New Mexico flight. But no, more about him. That is when I have realized I am entertainment. Free attention of an attractive young woman at the airport is what it was. I was not impressed with his doctoring because he was not attractive nor funny. But yet he kept talking to me.

I could have stopped talking and pretended I had important things to do but I am not a liar and I also have a four hour wait at the airport. And I had the secret audience of my brother sitting in the gate row in front of me, eavesdropping but not saving me from the conversation.

So he kept talking, finally, he left after I was witness three hours of a oral autobiography's.

I am not a geisha. They get paid to entertain like that.

Then there was another time, but we were seatmates on the plane and that was a lot more fun and attractive. It was fine being the geisha for that (because he was more attractive and funny) (and we kept in touch.)

Lesson learned: Geisha Heather accepts money or in lieu of cash will accept hours of attractiveness and humor.

And I am flying to Chicago twice next week, so hopefully I'll get more attractive funny patrons.

Day 10: 30 days of, you know, so here's the truth.

2010-06-10T20:10:00.005-05:00

Today I did this:

Like a overweight football fan I painted my eye. Not to support a team with my fleshy brightly hued body, but to be creative for 30 Days of Creativity.

No, that's a lie. I did it not just for the innocent soul of creativity but to try to get listed as a highlight on 30 Days of Creativity. Everyday the website lists about 15-20 'highlights' of the previous day. Everyday I look for mine and so far, nothing. I want to be a highlight. I want the attention and recognition that the weird stuff I make is something too. (Look, insecurity, the mask slips, I am a honest person! Awards all around!!!). I like being noticed (see this self-centered blog post.

I like attention. I know it. I have a Twitter account and a blog.

So I painted myself. For attention.

The photo above is sort of artsy, I thought people might think I took a photo of a dancer before an emotional emoting movement piece.

But it's my eye

and below my eye was a dinosaur.

Sad, weird clown am I.

ROAR!!!

The 'est' in the room.

2010-06-09T18:10:00.002-05:00

I hate the 'est' in the room. The smartest, the shortest, the tallest, the whitest, the blackest, the clumsiest, the fattest, the thinnest, the youngest, the oldest, the dumbest, the girliest, the manliest, the meanest,the most average-est, the richest, the poorest, the honest(est), the funniest, the serious-est and forever.

Why? Why do I hate them?

Well, look.

Welcome to the Party

A short play.

By Heather Meyer

The Most Average-est:
Hi Bingo, how are you? This birthday party smells weird.

The Shortest:
Oh, I know I can barely see over everyone's crotch so imagine the smell I am smelling. I wish I could blow my nose but I can't reach the tissues.

Smartest Person:
The reason the smell is so thick in this room is because the cake has been baked with feces folded in to the frosting, I can tell because I had a book published about my hometown once.

Girliest Person:
It smells like sparkles. I like sparkles. Oh pink. I am such a girl.

Fattest Person:
Hey, here I am, tons of fun is here!

The Honest(est):
You're obese and you are making the smell worse. I am just being honest.

(The Fattest punches the Honest(est))

The Manliest:
Oh! Right cross, nice do you work out? What about the MMA fight last night? I kept thinking about it as I was parking my monster truck on top of some pussies(men not cats or lady bits) outside the fighting cage this morning.

The Fattest:
I would but I am too fat to ride horses so I can't work out.

The Most Average-est:
(to The Honest(est) who is still on the floor bleeding)
Are you alright?

(The Clumsiest trips over the fallen The Honest(est))

The Honest(est):
Ouch! I am already bleeding and I don't have health insurance.

The Smartest:
According to the new health care reform you will get fined for that, I know because I had a paperback book about my hometown published ten years ago.

The Clumsiest:
Oops! My bad! I am so clumsy! That is why I can't have nice things.

The Honest(est):
Or nice friends.

The Meanest:
(Pointing at The Honest(est))
Bitch!
(Pointing at The Clumsiest)
Stumpy whore leg!

The End.

Sometimes I email myself notes and find them a year later

2010-06-09T13:24:00.002-05:00

That Movie with the blue guy, Watchmen.

So what is with Dr. Manhattan's underpants? Why does he where them when he is quite
comfortable naked or when wanting to appear decent he wears the suit. Why the
underpants? Fleeting modesty? Or does he crave support sometimes? Just sometimes
though.

I'm glad I didn't have to see his parts when he was huge. That is like Clifford the
Big Blue Dong. Not nearly has helpful but as comical as the orginal Clifford.

Day 8: Ninosaur

2010-06-08T22:41:00.002-05:00

Beware the Ninosaur!

Blogging about a blog

2010-06-07T20:31:00.000-05:00

This blog, New Dress a Day is brilliant. The author, Marisa, inspired by the movie Julie & Julia (which inspires me to hope that this blog will also be a movie filled with a Oscar winner and nominnee), challenged herself to not buy any new clothes the entire year. Instead she gave herself a budget of $365 to spend on only thrift store duds that she then rehashes and slashes in to brand new awesomeness!

These are the type of things I want to pretend to be able to make. I am so excited someone is realizing my dream for me!!!

Look at her go!

Day 7:Creativity: Things in Wigs

2010-06-07T20:05:00.000-05:00

A wig on stuff.

Day 6: Stuff that I have had for years

2010-06-06T20:05:00.000-05:00

I had a silk scarf painting kit that I purchased at a thrift store in 2006. One of my secret motives with the 30 Days of Creativity is to do the projects that I have been storing the supplies for for years. This kit was one of them. My goal wasn't to be awesome at silk painting but to just do it.

This kit came with everything I needed. I did need to by new resist (to draw designs and not let the colors run together, thus resist blending), but that was only $3 at Dick Blick and 45 minutes of wonder and awe in the store.

I hated the design that you were 'supposed' to do with the kit, so I ignored the pattern and drew one of my own. Citrus fruits, that is what I sort of drew. Then I just painted away, ignoring spills and order.

Here is a section of it, before I made the colors 'inedible' and hung it up in the shower to dry, that is where it still is. It's not going to be all over the runways this fall, but it is done.

Millions for me!

Day 5 of creativity

2010-06-05T19:46:00.004-05:00

For a Saturday, I thought my outfit counted as my creative thing. It was a good outfit for going to an art thing. The dress was magical find from the sale rack at Cliche and the belt is a scarf that someone (!) gave me from Ecuador. And there are birds on my necklace. I match the art. Oh yeah, it's really all about wearing royal blue shoes.

And look at all that art! That art is by Brian Bruce

Magnets are technology!

2010-06-04T23:44:00.001-05:00

Suck on these baked potato nipples magnetic poetry!

Day 3 of 30 days of creativity

2010-06-03T22:05:00.001-05:00

I didn't know what to make and couldn't believe that I was stuck already on day 3 so I grabbed some scrap fabric, stickers and nonsense and made this:

It's a puppet. I am afraid of it too.

In other news I offended someone today and then won them back with my charm and I proposed marriage to the NorthrupKing Building.

out!

Two Funny things and Day 2 of 30 Days of Creativity.

2010-06-02T22:01:00.002-05:00

Funny thing number one that happened today:

(Heather staples canvas to a wall.)
Heather: Is this crooked?

Nate: Yes.

Heather: Do I have to fix it?

Nate: Only if you won't remember it is crooked.

Heather: I will repair it.
(Heather turns to back to canvas and starts to take it down.)
Heather (subconsciously): Reparo.

Nate: Did you just cast a "reparo' spell on that?

Heather: Yes?

Funny Thing Number Two:

This!!!

And this!

Obviously, my Day 2 of #30DaysofCreativity was making an eyeball necklace, but due to my none-gothiness, the look wasn't me. But it was Cooper's he is so goth. He is so goth, he didn't really care for wearing it, which made me laugh and laugh at his discomfort.

So angry. So funny.

I am not the most awesome at making stuff. But so far I have painted on the cover of a magazine and made eyeballs. I do think I have a particular aesthetic. I think the eyeball necklace fits right in with my film-making art direction in the now famous Zombie Sweater!!!

Here's the Internet version, but I can tell you or Donny Dirk's Zombie Den can tell you the DVD is even better, if you can believe it!

30 Days of Creativity or As I like to call 1 month of reasons to procrastinate!

2010-06-01T21:35:00.002-05:00

I pledge my Twitter soul to 30 Days of Creativity. I pledged my Twitter soul that I would make stuff everyday in June.

Today I made this:

Zoey Deschanel looks so pretty! And so sideways!

Yeah, you can pay me money for it.

Your future

2010-05-24T23:08:00.001-05:00

The time:
Tomorrow May 25th 2010 8:00pm.

The where:
Donny Dirk's Zombie Den

The what:
Zombie Sweater Screening.

Go see the film that is even better on the biggish screen.

And it is better than the version on the internet. Because Avenue Q had it right "everyone is a little bit racist". (you thought I was going to do the internet for porn joke, didn't you? Yeah, you thought that and I tricked you, suckers)

A photo to tease you (because it is too short for a trailer)

Amazing, I know and there is life outside your apartment (more Avenue Q insight, still not internet for porn though).

Now read aloud in a friendly generic Southern accent:

"Come on down to Donny Dirk's Zombie Den, we'll be have a grand ole time and sure would love to see your pretty little sunshine face. Especially since if you didn't have come you would be sitting at home worshipping the AC and looking at internet porn. Actually I'm surprised that you even took the time away from your surfing to glance at this porn-free blog. Hell, I don't even know what we have a blog since we all 'round her know the internet is for porn"(there's your Avenue Q porn quote, geeks)

Stop watching porn for an hour and come an talk to really people. Real people who talk. And watch a ridiculous little zombie film and then later you can watch a bunch of porn.

Cease and Desist Letter from United States Bread Council

2010-05-24T12:29:00.002-05:00

May 24th, 2010
Re: The Culture of Doing Things Blog
Confession: Double Down Sandwich

Dear Ms. Meyer:

Pursuant to my rights under federal culinary identification laws, I am requesting that you cease and desist referring to the chicken/bacon/sauce/cheese/chicken entree as a sandwich. A sandwich is defined as the marriage between bread surrounding a filling. Bread must be included in any description of a sandwich and the Double Down Entree at KFC does not include any bread, therefore it is illegal to be referred to as a sandwich as you so carelessly did in your recent blog entitled Confession: Double Down Sandwich.

You are hereby notified that if you do not comply with this request, I will immediately file a complaint with the Federal Culinary Commission and the Minnesota Attorney General’s office. Civil and criminal claims will be pursued.

Sincerely,

M. Rye Bread
Commissioner of United States Bread Council

Confession: Double Down Sandwich

2010-05-23T20:25:00.003-05:00

The most grown-up thing in the world in choosing a health care plan. Since I have changed employers, I have had a 'qualifying life event,' that provides me the opportunity to choose a new health care plan, and because at the end of the month my former employer's plan is over.

So I guess I need to choose a plan this week.

I found it interesting that after checking boxes both that said I was A) non-smoker B)Declining chemical dependency care C)Healthy as a horse; that all I really wanted to do was go eat that Double Down Sandwich from KFC.

I couldn't control the thoughts. I really wanted to eat that sandwich. As a culinary adventurer, I felt it was my duty to eat that sandwich.

You know that sandwich, the one with bacon, cheese and sauce sandwiched between two fried chicken breasts.

I don't like bacon.

But I must eat that sandwich.

No, I must pick a health care plan.

Sandwich.

So I went for the sandwich. One of the advantages of the new job is my mighty fine location a breath away from my favorite food location in all of the Twin Cities, the Midtown Global Market.

That is not where that sandwich lives. The sandwich lives at KFC across the street from the Midtown Global Market.

I went there. It was empty except for the grey-haired couple in front of me. I see so many signs for the sandwich everywhere. Did you know that you can order the Double Down Sandwich grilled? The elderly couple in front of me was taking a long time to decided what to order. I was having seconds thoughts. I haven't eaten at a fast food restaurant in almost a year, what was I doing standing in a KFC? I eat meat for entertainment (make sex jokes now) and have been thoroughly entertained without the meat (the food) in that past few weeks. Why am I here?

I am here for the sandwich.

The old woman in front of me asks the cashier, "What's that sandwich that everyone is taking about?"

I want to scream, "THE DOUBLE DOWN SANDWICH!" The sandwich's headshots are plastered all over the restaurant. It was like going in to Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. and kept asking what movie did Tom Hanks, ride a lawn mower, grew a bread and meat fifteen presidents while playing ping pong in a storm of slow floating feathers.

The old woman orders the sandwich, I fear for her life. I fear for my life before that sandwich and I can at least read the menu.

Finally, its my turn. I order that sandwich, original (code for FRIED) not grilled. I am going all out on this one. And I order a side of baked beans for strategy (I thought they would be a good escort to usher the Double Down out before I was doubled over.)

The sandwich arrived (all over my face).

It was much smaller that expected (more sex jokes now). Even with its small stature, it was inviting (sex jokes). It was a surprising mouthful (sex jokes). The chicken breasts are much more dense than bread and then with the added bacon sauce and cheese party it was a little difficult to eat. What I noticed most was the salt. It was a salt bomb on the remote un-warring island of my taste buds. The cheese was OK and the sauce was exciting!! Sauce and cheese, but the sandwich didn't thrill me.

Because I forgot one thing.

I hate chicken.

Really, chicken is to food as platinum blond is to a life-changing makeover. Easy and boring.

I wanted to like the sandwich. I wanted it to be made of ground chicken patties, not chicken breasts. Chicken patties would be more like bread, easier to bite into and not as boring. I really wanted to like the sandwich, I wanted it to become a secret vice of mine (I haven't had a secret vice since the beginning of my first semester of college when I would drive around the streets of Dubuque alone eating dinner from fast food restaurants in my car, yeah, freshman fifteen hello, you're the first person I've told this to, so Internet, I obviously love you.)

Simple bean shot!

I ate the beans, I wasn't hungry, I ate the beans to help push the salt, chicken boob attack in to new territory. They were kind of boring too. The container the beans came in said reusable on the top. I thought that was weird.

So I had eaten the sandwich. I don't regret it, not do I rush to repeat it. Stupid sandwich, dashed hopes.

I hate you sandwich.

But I still wanted to love you...

Zombie Sweater at Cinema Lounge at Bryant Lake Bowl

2010-05-19T12:01:00.003-05:00

ZOMBIE SWEATER returns to the big screen!

7:00Pm Wednesday May 19, 2010, my film Zombie Sweater will screen at the Cinema Lounge presented by IFP Minnesota at Bryant Lake Bowl.

There will be a Q & A after the film in which I will answer questions from the host and you(!) the audience! So come prepared with questions.

I am really excited that Zombie Sweater was selected for the Cinema Lounge, I didn't realize the film qualified for the screening but the great people at Women Stand Up and Shoot and IFP Minnesota made this happen!

So come on down to the BLB and see some great films and ask me hard questions about Zombie Sweater: Because Fashion isn't the only dangerous trend.

And don't worry if you can't make it to the BLB, Donny Dirk's Zombie Den is screening the film May 25th at 8:00pm!!

The Culture of Doing Things

Face for Radio: Part 2

Gluten-Free Day Two.

Time capsule! June 28th, 2009

New favorite things and places to find me on the internet and real life

Summer of Being Famous: I think I might be nearing fall

Summer of bring Famous: Famous People I know

How to take good pictures: A satire

Putting 2011 Fringe to Rest or My show kicked ass

Fringe for real: A simple listing

Fringe Friday #11: It's totally Fringe

Fringe Friday #10: A day early with video embeds!

Fringe Friday #9: More Uniforms-ity

Fringe Friday #8: Quiz: Are you the perfect wife?

Fringe Friday #7: It's alive!

Fringe Friday #6: Dick Happens

I'm so pretty I should be on a podcast

Fringe Friday #5: Promo Bonanza plus a little song

Fringe Friday #4: The Beginning

Fringe Friday #3: Blonde Bombshell

Flashback! Feb 2010

Fringe Friday: Histories' Mysteries

Re: Can i trust you with this funds?

Milestone

Fringe Friday: Sneak Peak!

Yves Klein Blue or Heather Meyer Gold Leaf

Legume show you brilliance.

Excellent source of the following:

Good source of the following:

Newest hobby

Self photo montage. Heather-tage!

Your Responsibility for Sex Failure in the MN Fringe Festival!

Update.

reminder

The best thing in the whole world

Quiz!!! Just like a women's magazine!

I recently attended one of Lizz Winstead's Political Satire Writing workshops. Here's the magic that came out of it. I co-wrote it with three other women that I only remember one of. Her name was Jessica.

Find Out if You Were Raped? A Quiz.

Piece #2 MN writers workshop.

PUBLISHED IN Steaming News Pile

I really like Norm MacDonald.

Theatre Unbound 24hr Play Project

Flashback!

ME!

Does this count as my Christmas Letter?

More Roots with Eyes

I think they might be planning something

Accidents

Carrots with Eyes!

I got invited to the Monster Ball and had not a thing to wear

Once a spaz, always a spaz

If you got here from my Tweet about Fellatio, you're going to be disappointed.

Free flavored things I was given this week.

She bangs!!!

What the hell is a yumberry?

Hugs not Bugs.

Totally Vanity Project Blog

Evil Stepmother: Because rewriting fairy tales is cliche and fun.

News

From A to Zebra: 30 days wrap-up

Popularity Index

I think this is the first short story I've written since high school.

Who's on the table? The Cast of Condiments.

Even more validation Day 23 and Day 24

VALIDATION!!!!!

Days 21-11 of 30 Days of Creativity! And my obsession about the highlight reel.

Purity Rings, Class Rings, Engagement Rings, Wedding Rings...now Single Rings?

Geisha Dates at the Airport

Day 10: 30 days of, you know, so here's the truth.

The 'est' in the room.

Sometimes I email myself notes and find them a year later

Day 8: Ninosaur

Blogging about a blog

Day 7:Creativity: Things in Wigs

Day 6: Stuff that I have had for years

Day 5 of creativity

Magnets are technology!

Day 3 of 30 days of creativity

Two Funny things and Day 2 of 30 Days of Creativity.

30 Days of Creativity or As I like to call 1 month of reasons to procrastinate!

PUBLISHED IN
Steaming News Pile